The Tale of Lady Jessica, her father Sir Incensed and Sir Alan

My Lady Jessica I have ridden hard to reach your seat, Castle Pleasure, this very day to have some discourse with your father, Sir Incense, on recent matters reported by your treacherous wench Esmeralda. I am unsure of this news reaching you by any other means than subterfuge and so have found a willing go between in Jim the oastler boy who is loyal and true to you my Lady. I have not used my squire John for the very obvious reason that I do think he is in cahoots with Esmeralda and can see no further than her cavernous cleavage and her willingness to polish the head of his long-staff at the drop of a wimple.

Lady Jessica please know that I have tried to reason with your father but he truly lives up to his name Incensed! Verily steam was coming out of both ears and at times I thought he may well have an apoplexy. I cannot think why as my words were well chosen and sought to assuage his doubts about our recent actions. Firstly I did inform him that matters between us had started out most innocently and that you were simply applying a cure to my untimely rising which you appeared more than happy to do. I let him know that repeatedly during the performing of this altruistic act you gave your consent for me to continue with your repeated “Yes, yes, yes!” which seemed to grow in enthusiasm and vigour as we neared the conclusion of our intimate intercourse together. (I thought it best to leave out the occasional more lewd adjective used by my Lady to encourage me as I simply thought this was you mimicking Esmeralda.)

I was also at great pains to state that we both thought that the first application of your balming fluid was the cure to my swelling in your presence…how were we to know that in fact it appeared to make the occurrence all the more regular and needful of repeated applications of your balming fluid during the night! However it was a good thing that this did happen as I pointed out that this led to our discovery of some similar afflictions for you my Lady Jessica. I pointed out to your father that we noticed your breathing became shallower when my swelling started and that your bosom seemed to rise and fall more energetically and upon closer inspection the tips of your bosom seemed to swell and harden and the surrounding skin grow slightly darker. Happily we discovered a cure in the gentle application of my tongue to the swelling which seemed to help increase the flow of your balming fluid which in turn reduced my swelling which in turn reduced your tips to their normal size and dimension -so a happy result for all of us! Well not so as you could tell looking at your father’s face, it was then I thought he might have his first attack of apoplexy!

Sensing that he may still be labouring under some misinformation provided by the troublesome Esmeralda I made enquiry if there was anything he wished to address to me. Well firstly there was the damage to the stable door. Here I did admit to being at fault and promised to make amends for the door hanging off its hinges. (You will recall Lady Jessica this was when we were taken unawares by a sudden need to cure our mutual discomforting swellings. True I should have bolted the stable door, but my stallion was already in full flight and as you know it is pointless to bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted!) Next he raged about how you had been laid by me on the banquet table in the great hall! I told him that this was a monstrous lie spread by Esmeralda as she had walked in when I had simply been showing you the reverse thrust that a knight has occasion to employ. Once again to try and assuage your father I informed him that I would procure a new table for the great hall…not the usual long rectangular one which would do nothing to dislodge the image in your father’s head, but a more revolutionary shape…a Round Table. Who knows it may catch on.

Thinking that I may as well clear the air totally I also suggested to your father that I would arrange to have a new bed sent to your bedchamber as the repeated nightly joustings between us have taken their toll on the four posts…indeed I do not think my hanging my armour on the bedpost has helped matters. (And then between you and I Lady Jessica I have also taken the liberty of speaking with your seamstress to arrange for you to have some new undergarments. Your seamstress will shortly be in receipt of some of the finest Chantilly lace from France and I think you will find this much gentler on your fair and gentle skin than the sackcloth and hessian garments your father insists you wear at present. Also this should stop my need to rend your undergarments when needs arise as a simple slipping over your lithesome limbs will have them falling gently to the floor.)

My Lady you mentioned that you hoped to be taught the way of tongues in your last posting to me and I must take the opportunity to explain your finding my head lodging between your thighs
during our last night together. For some time now I have noticed an intoxicating musky aroma that surrounds you whenever we are coupled together and have longed determined to find the source of this heady aroma. Following my nose to its source I found it at its most intense at the entrance to your mound of venus! Spending some minutes just drinking in its most delicious scent I could not but wonder if this miracle cure had any other sensory qualities …such as taste. Imagine my delight when I found it had a most delightful bitter/sweet tangy taste to it and that my tasting of it seemed to increase its flow! Indeed it was most kind of you to gently guide my head by your hands to its most liberal source. This did in time lead to a most prodigious release from my weapon and to your imprinting your nails upon my back. (I would request that this happens only on my back as the one time you did carry out this office on my buttocks it did cause some chaffing when my strides were on and made sitting down a trifle awkward)

After all this my Lady I have to report that your father still seems unsure of my intentions towards you and vows to keep you locked up until I am defeated in the lists by another more worthy candidate for your affections, as he sees it. My reply to him was that I would not cease until I had liberated you from your false imprisonment and you were freely by my side once again. Pointing out to him that I had been the one knight to successfully break the enchanted spell that lay over the castle, rid it of its infernal serpent in the moat and to remove the magical chastity belt that had been placed upon you seemed to carry no weight at all. However my Lady I have given your father till tomorrow to come to his senses and release you so that an honourable solution may be found. Should this deadline pass then I shall no recourse but to mount my steed, storm the citadel and release my Lady Jessica. Fear not my Lady Jessica one way or another Sir Alan, your knight, is coming …to get you!

Your one true knight Sir Alan