Squashing of unseemly Rumours

To those of you who have recently read postings of the rumours circulating about Star and my squire John I wish to put the record straight and reveal what is the more likely scenario to have happened. Firstly let me just state that my squire was with me throughout my recent sojourn away and it would have proved impossible for such slanderous affairs to have taken place. I know my Lady’s wench Esmeralda speaks long and lustily about the merits of his long-staff and its use but even my squire has his limits! Anyway I digress from the matter in hand and must take you back to the eve of my departure for foreign parts, and a correspondence that passed between my Lady and myself…

My Lady Jessica I trust you have slept well and are your usual radiant self this morning. As for myself I spent a wretched night tossing and turning, due to recent events that passed between your wench Esmeralda and myself. The other morn whilst at my dressing, there was a knocking at my chamber door and thinking that it was my squire John come to assist I bid him enter. Imagine my surprise when your buxom wench boldly stepped into my chambers. My surprise quickly turned to consternation as she had no sooner said, “Why let me assist you good sir!” than I found her hand thrust among the confines of my hoe and grabbing hold of my recumbent weapon. Deftly running her hand along my weapon-to get the measure of my blade she boldly stated-she soon had my trusty sword fully unsheathed and held it rampant aloft! Whilst undertaking all of this the saucy wench declared that she was only carrying out her mistress’ bidding to ascertain the potency of my weapon! My Lady trust me I did not believe this for one moment. Whilst in this state of disarray the jezebel does no more than cup the base of my weapon and state that her mistress will be most pleased with balanced weight of my weapon and smiles at me in a most leering fashion and displays her more than ample bosom towards my eyes. Well my Lady just when I thought things could not get any worse the lewd minx with her one free hand does no more than hoist her skirts and tell me to take aim at her target if I will as she would also like to report back on how I handle my weapon at close quarters and how assured and accomplished I am in its eventual discharge!

Well my Lady that was a step too far and I showed the harlot the door with a boot to her rear end declaring that I would never sully myself -or you-with such an action. I am also still mentally scarred from our discovering Esmeralda and my squire John coupling in the stables when we had hoped to embark on a stimulating ride of our own-as I sure you will recall. After her departure I did find it necessary to wear my cod-piece for some time until the swelling she had induced had subsided.

My Lady Jessica, I would have far rather conducted this matter in private with you but as you know I must away to foreign lands and could not in all conscience depart with this weighing so heavy on my conscience. I put no store by what your wench Esmeralda told me but fear that I may have been duped by her-and my squire-and that she may embellish her report when discussing this matter with you.

I remain your loyal and trust knight Lady Jessica but at present am in a state of disarray until I hear from you that all is well between us.

Your distressed knight Sir Alan

Sir Alan, first let me reassure you I will trust nothing that my harlot of a wench Esmeralda relates to me in this matter. Her track record speaks for itself where the men of my castle are concerned! I am sorely saddened to learn of her manhandling of your weapon, as we both know that is an office I look forward to performing my myself most diligently and enthusiastically! I do indeed recall our discovering your squire and Esmeralda together in the stables-how could we forget! I must apologise for my own behaviour at that moment of discovery when I reached out to you and grabbed hold of your weapon-seeking protection of course. To be fair I did gain comfort from its strength as it sprang to my defence and it was kind of you to notice my trouble in breathing at that moment and to undo my stays to allow me to breath more freely. Also it was good of you to not only explain but show to me that the positions my wench and your squire were undertaking were both anatomically and physically possible! But happiest discovery of all was the cure for your swelling which seems to occur whenever we are in each others company. Who would have thought that by burying your weapon to the hilt in my mound of venus a restorative balming fluid would eventually be released that would help to reduce the swelling-I have to say that this is a most pleasurable cure to provide. I realise that the groans that escaped from you at this moment were groans of despair as you looked on the disgraceful actions of your squire and as for what appeared to be lewd encouragement from me was merely a mimicking of my wench’s language.

Talk of the stables reminds me, Sir Alan upon your return from foreign parts you must put me through my paces once again where my riding is concerned. It is a duty that has been neglected for far too long I feel. Whilst we are both more than pleased with my side saddle technique I do feel that with you in the saddle Sir Alan our rides together may become all the more invigorating!

So rest assured my knight all is well between us and I will have words with my wench Esmeralda about this.

I remain your devoted and excitable Lady Jessica