Moving On

Where to start or end this story.

My good mates on here will forgive the repetition. For the past 4 years Ive been living the dream, on our little sail boat with my husband Ray & Springer Spaniel Wilson, exploring the Mediterranean. I left them in Tunisia in March to visit my 94 year old Mum in the Uk. She was so unwell I could not leave. Its been the hardest period of my life. Supporting my incredible Mum struggle through her last chapter. Without my soul mates. Ray has struggled to get our boat back home in several legs with crew. He did fly back for a couple of weeks to shore me up. But Ive not had my hands on Wilson, Im in definite withdrawal.

I wont dwell on the past few months. It was good to stop trying to be in 2 places at once. I wasn’t ready to give up the sun. But it was probably time. We would have always wanted one more summer. Sailing is quite demanding as you age. We will return to a narrow boat on the Uk inland waterways. We had 5 years doing this before we sailed off.

So I was there with Mum, for both of us. It was exactly where I needed to be. It was both heartbreaking & heart warming. We had some very special times. She was home at the end. Surrounded by family. For the worst experience of my life it was the best it could be. Mum passed away last Sunday morning.

From the last chapter to the epilogue. Ive had a busy few days. Home alone. The sunshine has helped. Ive had every door and window open. Blowing away the hothouse atmosphere of illness. Clearing from room to room. A bin bag and charity bag everywhere. A brazier constantly burning in the garden. A garage full of crap & a cottage full of memories. Its both cathartic and so wrong. I can chat away to Mum at full volume. She would be so pissed at some of the stuff Im getting rid of. But not; because we had all those conversations about stuff not mattering.

Im finding it hard to grieve because all I can hear is her constantly repeated words “Im just so tired’. She was done! I carried on fighting much harder and longer than her. I just feel a void Im filling by keeping busy. Drinking too much. Eating crap. Indulging in this very selfish week away from the real world.

Ray may get home tomorrow or Sunday. Im not really ready to move on yet. I guess I need to, but its going to be a wrench. Mum and I have been in her final chapter, our own personal bubble for months, may be even years at some level.

I like the book references Im definitely in the epilogue now and dont want to close the book.

Ray and Wilson will arrive back like a whirlwind. Lots of plans. Going to visit my daughter in her new house on Thursday. Got 3 narrow boats to view. Next Chapter. Will be the name. Its all too fast for me. But probably necessary on so many levels. If the house sells fast we will be homeless. Gotta go through probate so we have a few months.

So my last 2 days to wallow, Do what I like.

Might be another bottle of brandy and open some of her writing. Ive just filled a bag for life. Old diaries, journals, poems. She scribbled words of wisdom on notepads everywhere. Ive not been there yet. Thought Id keep them and just dip in every now and then. The thing I will miss most is our rambling conversations. From cabbages to kings, the search for just the right word. We carried on these conversations until the last few days. She stayed sharp for which Im so grateful. That and everything else.

Enough for now. I think I have planned the next two days. Then maybe I’ll be ready to move on.

Get back to chatting on the site as normal