What am I willing to give up? Apparently after 29 years of marriage and more than a decade and a half of living like roommates, a lot. I walked away from my home and my security five months ago. Fear kept me paralyzed for over 15 years. What made me finally decide enough was enough? The toll it was taking. The price of staying was too steep. My son coming home from college and reverting to being a two year old. Tired of being the only one trying to hold him accountable. Tired of cleaning up the living room which turned again into a dorm room. Tired of the kitchen in constant chaos with grease, dishes, food everywhere. Tired of my soon to be ex living in denial and never facing the hard stuff. Tired of being tired.
I spent almost two years scrambling to regain my sanity after almost checking out from this world. I worked hard. Found an awesome therapist and did some deep soul excavating. I found my self worth. I finally decided I was deserving of better. These former deficits are another blog altogether. And then my therapist once again encouraged me to see an attorney for some information gathering. I did. And then I filed. Armed with some facts it gave me what I needed to take that step. September 1, 2016.
I have been living with a girlfriend. We get along great. The tension and stress from being at home is gone. It has been replaced temporarily with uncertainty. Uncertain of where I’m going to live. What can I afford? What will my financial situation be? Being in limbo these five months has been difficult. The lawyers…. another blog about this altogether….well, I’ve decided I don’t like them. Period. It’s been dragging out despite we are not fighting over anything. It’s straight forward but the attorneys are finding things to dispute. Last week I got mad. Get on with it.
Have I been tempted to pull the plug and say the heck with it? Once or twice for a minute and a half. What has been my life saver has been friends. My “real life” friends and my online friends. I treasure every one of them. When I need to cry, someone is there. When I need advice, oh boy….I’ll get lots of that. Conflicting at times which is where I have to trust myself and my gut.
On Saturday I will be starting kind of a new adventure. I will be house sitting for two months for some friends. I will have some space of my own for awhile, something I am craving. I am putting my order in to the Universe that during these two months the pieces will fall together. The divorce should be final in February. A place to call home will present itself. I have done more than enough looking and research in this area. My hands have been tied to follow through with anything right now.
So Dear Universe – February and March will be resolution months. Everything will become clear. The things that have not worked out will become evident to me as to why not. Everything happens for a reason. And that reason will materialize and make sense soon.
The Price of Peace? Priceless.