The Price of Peace

What am I willing to give up?  Apparently after 29 years of marriage and more than a decade and a half of living like roommates, a lot.  I walked away from my home and my security five months ago.  Fear kept me paralyzed for over 15 years.  What made me finally decide enough was enough?  The toll it was taking.  The price of staying was too steep.  My son coming home from college and reverting to being a two year old.  Tired of being the only one trying to hold him accountable.  Tired of cleaning up the living room which turned again into a dorm room.  Tired of the kitchen in constant chaos with grease, dishes, food everywhere.  Tired of my soon to be ex living in denial and never facing the hard stuff.  Tired of being tired.

I spent almost two years scrambling to regain my sanity after almost checking out from this world.  I worked hard.  Found an awesome therapist and did some deep soul excavating.  I found my self worth.  I finally decided I was deserving of better.  These former deficits are another blog altogether.  And then my therapist once again encouraged me to see an attorney for some information gathering.  I did.  And then I filed.  Armed with some facts it gave me what I needed to take that step.  September 1, 2016.

I have been living with a girlfriend.  We get along great.  The tension and stress from being at home is gone.  It has been replaced temporarily with uncertainty.  Uncertain of where I’m going to live.  What can I afford?  What will my financial situation be?  Being in limbo these five months has been difficult.  The lawyers…. another blog about this altogether….well, I’ve decided I don’t like them.  Period.  It’s been dragging out despite we are not fighting over anything.  It’s straight forward but the attorneys are finding things to dispute.  Last week I got mad.  Get on with it.

Have I been tempted to pull the plug and say the heck with it?  Once or twice for a minute and a half.  What has been my life saver has been friends.  My “real life” friends and my online friends.  I treasure every one of them.  When I need to cry, someone is there.  When I need advice, oh boy….I’ll get lots of that.  Conflicting at times which is where I have to trust myself and my gut.

On Saturday I will be starting kind of a new adventure.  I will be house sitting for two months for some friends.  I will have some space of my own for awhile, something I am craving.  I am putting my order in to the Universe that during these two months the pieces will fall together.  The divorce should be final in February.  A place to call home will present itself.  I have done more than enough looking and research in this area.  My hands have been tied to follow through with anything right now.

So Dear Universe – February and March will be resolution months.  Everything will become clear.  The things that have not worked out will become evident to me as to why not.  Everything happens for a reason.  And that reason will materialize and make sense soon.

The Price of Peace?  Priceless.

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Published in Home & Family

Comments

  1. Sansoar

    Thank for sharing this blog! I appreciate your honesty in describing your journey thus far and your hope in the future. As you noted … lots of blog topics embedded in this one!! Looking forward to contributing in the future.

    I have had a similar journey in many ways and can identify with lots of your frustrations and concerns. My decision to leave was just over 10 years ago now. After months of struggling, the final decision was very clear. Sure, there were difficult times- dealing with loss, and loneliness, scary times for sure but as in the title… it is the price of peace. With each passing year, I am so glad that I was brave enough to face the hard reality of what I needed to do.

    For me, the most difficult barrier was the financial aspect which resulted in me losing our home and almost all of our possessions. Since I was the wage earner- working full time with an additional part-time position – and my husband did not work, I had to compensate (e.g. I say this out of trying to be open; I am not bitter about this reality). I didn’t want to give up my pension for retirement since I struggled so hard for that pension so the trade off was that I had to walk away from our beautiful home (i.e. he wanted to continue living in it), take out a mortgage on a condo and begin again. I guess that is why I am so happy to be retired…finally able to enjoy the reward of 33 years of working full steam!

    I really believe in reading your post that you are a very resilient woman! I have come to realize that in my opinion, resiliency is the key… One definition: Resiliency is the ability to overcome challenges of all kinds–trauma, tragedy, personal crises, plain ‘ole’ life problems–and bounce back stronger, wiser, and more personally powerful.

    I am anticipating great insights from you in the next couple of months, my friend!

  2. idigdirt Post author

    Thank you Dear for your reply. You made it and so will I!

    I’m nothing if not resilient. I’m a survivor also. I guess we all are. I have had more than my fair share to overcome. And I almost succumbed…a few times.

    There are days I’m so overwhelmed I cannot function well. The biggest thing for me is where I will live. I have been considering buying a mobile home. There are two over 55 parks here. My daughter being a deputy sheriff hates that idea. She deals with the other side and has a bad taste in her mouth about them. However, she does admit that an over 55 community would be better.

    Yesterday I toured some condos in development. They are taking an old school (where my kids went to kindergarten) and making some awesome units. I fell in love. However they are beyond my pocketbook. I was hoping to not have a mortgage. I could possibly buy a mobile home outright. Still unknown until after the divorce is final. Rents are incredibly high here. I have to continue to have faith like I said in my blog that something will materialize.

    Right now I am looking forward to tomorrow when I will move into an awesome house for two months. I will have my own space with time to gather my thoughts, get this finalized, see more clearly what my options are. AND….spring will be right around the corner!

    Have a blessed day Sansour!

  3. roseinbloom

    Idigdirt. I don’t know where you live but I you should be able to find something that meets your needs and affordable. I wish you luck.
    I hope you and your son and hubby can come to terms to allow a family of some sort in the future.
    You are still fairly young and you need to pursue a new life, don’t expect it to materialize though it is possible. Find a dating site, make friends, join groups of your interests. Build a life of YOUR choosing.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      My daughter is also at home with her dad and brother. She’s 26 and long overdue to be on her own. I just found out she put an offer on a house. The ex has enabled her as well. Although her career is stable and she loves it. My son? Oh boy….I won’t get into it about him. Another blog perhaps?

      I’m taking steps each day towards my future. It’s not going fast enough for me, but I believe it’s all for a reason.

      Thank you for responding.

  4. Cloudless13

    Fantastic young lady, you are making such wonderful strides forward. This is a good blog and one we can understand just how well you have managed to keep going.

    That is the secret, you have to put one step forwards at a time, emotional steps as well as practical ones. What you have been through over the last few years must have been horrible, depressing to deal with, yes you have had a few challenging thoughts to struggle with, however you have seen some light to help you climb out that deep dark pit..

    Maybe time now to reflect, yet also a time to reinvent your new life to come. A new beginning a new you without all that baggage trailing behind you. In a way…. freedom.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      You are correct, a step at a time. However small they may seem. The last two years have been finally coming to grips with my past childhood traumas, finding my self worth, getting strong to be able to make this major change.

      Reflect….yes. I am in a space now house sitting where I will have the time and place to do so. I have settled in today. A friend is coming over. Maybe out to dinner. First day of the rest of my life.

      1. Cloudless13

        First day of the rest of my life…. what a lovely statement to post. It will all come together, why? because you are working to make it happen…

        You know many of us have had somewhat traumatic child hoods, time to put those to bed as well. If we don’t then those involved with those traumas who hurt us continue to win… we cant change the past, yet we can accept what happened no matter how terrible it was and move it on… I know I did.

        1. idigdirt Post author

          I wasn’t able to finally come to terms with my mother until she died. I was the black sheep who she threw under the bus countless times. Who was there holding her hand when she took her last breath? You got it. I never shed a tear. I shed all my tears for her when she was alive. My sisters and I slowly started building relationships. I’ve even forgiven her. Something I tried to do all my life.

          Yes, Cloudless, I have moved on from that. And now I’m moving on at 62 years old. As I sit here in this awesome house, as lovely as it is, I’m looking forward to finding my forever home as well. Only looking forward now.

  5. goldengirl1224

    Such a sad story, and how brave you are taking the ‘bull by the horns’ so to speak and deciding you have had enough of being ‘dumped’ on.
    We all only have one life – and you now need to focus on you and your needs. It is good that you have a supportive friend who can provide you with a ‘safe haven’ until such time as the financial aspects are resolved. Draw on all your friends – and family if they are available – and ‘put YOURSELF FIRST’ now as you start a new chapter in your life. When you feel confident enough look for opportunities to build new friends and contacts -doesnt really need to be ‘heavy relationships’ at this stage, but just to get yourself out and involved – perhaps even volunteering might be an an initial and unthreatening option.

    I wish you all the best and a brighter and happier future,

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Putting myself first is top on my agenda. I’ve been in limbo for 5 months now, but I know it is temporary. I have mentioned here somewhere that I am house sitting for 2 months as of yesterday. I’m settling in and going to use this time to regroup. Have some much needed alone time now all while enjoying this lovely home.

      I did some volunteering several years ago until my son got sick. Then I quit to help him. I may get back into that. I’d like something fun to do like that.

      Thank you for your well wishes.

  6. Drummer

    Hello idigdirt
    I have been through this situation myself, and can confirm that all the advice given above is sound – the only thing I feel to be missing is to say that not all men are the same – don’t give up on them, rather I would suggest that when you are settled into the house sitting could well be a good time to look around – read the personal columns – There are many people in exactly the same position as yourself – as Roseinbloom suggests meet as many people as you can and start to enjoy life again.
    For the record I can say that I went through a similar situation to your own – and decided to seek new friends and hopefully a new partner – indeed I did, for we met 25 years ago and have been married for 22 years and going strong – for the record, my wife was in a similar position to you – but we would never have met without the aid of the personal columns. I wish you luck and happiness and as you will see there is lots of moral support from we Chatters.
    Best wishes Drummer

  7. Scorpio

    I feel I’ve walked in your shoes dig. I plucked up the courage to walk away from a relationship that was slowly distroying me. It took a while to put my life back together but I did and found a wonderful new partner 20 odd years later we’re still together. I guess what I’m trying to say is dig there is always light at the end of the tunnel you have started that journey and you will make it through. All the very best to you and good luck.

  8. ladyIsabelle

    I can identify so much with your story. I had an abusive mother and married the first man who asked me, just to get away from her. Big mistake! I found myself worse off. At least my mother’s abuse was only verbal. Looking back, I see I should have stood up to her. I just don’t like rows, and do my best to avoid them.
    I put up with an abusive marriage for 50 years. I could feel the tension building up between us. I was afraid of what might happen so turned to Womens Aid. Now I’m alone and free! I can now see what a fool I was. It’s difficult to see things clearly when you’re in a trapped situation.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      I sure is Isabelle. My first marriage was pretty much the same thing. I was kicked out of the house though. My mom was abusive emotionally and physically and verbally. And I was so intimidated by her….never occurred to me to stand up to her. Kids just didn’t do that. Or so I thought….

      Please don’t be hard on yourself. We all do what we think we must do to survive. I stayed 15+ years too long. I cannot think about that now. I can only go forward.

  9. Suzan1957

    Why is everyone trying to get you into another relationship. I say, girl enjoy your freedom, to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want and you don’t have to worry or think about anybody else’s schedule. I’m betting things are now going to start just falling into place for you. Welcome to your new life. How wonderful.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Thank you suzan. I’m not pushing anything. First and foremost I want my own place to live. Having a partner will be icing on the cake. But for now, plain cake is perfect!

  10. foreveryoung2

    idigdirt I wish you all the best. I can empathise with you and it is a shock to the system to have to start all over again, but you will get there. Enjoy your freedom – I enjoyed mine for a little while, but, as usual, it all changed again for me. My life has been very different to all my friends, whom I wouldn’t have survived this long without them. Good friends understand, don’t judge you, and put up with your bouts of depression. That is one instance in my life that I have been lucky with, I have the best of friends. So enjoy your freedom and enjoy your friends. Life, I am sure, will get better for you. Take care xoxo

  11. Ras

    Listen — do you hear that?? It’s ME applauding you!! My favorite quote from “Winnie the Pooh,” by A. A. Milne is this: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Don’t ever forget that, dear lady.

    1. MizFrog

      Dig,
      It is now March and I hope that you have found a home and are settling in. I agree with Suzan. Please don’t rush out and get into another relationship. The best thing you can do now is enjoy the freedom that you have earned and deserve.
      I was married for 36 years, was ready to leave after 10, but with three little boys that wasn’t an option. So I finally realized that I was wasting my life and put myself on “the five year plan” to figure out where I was going and what I was going to do. A friend made it easy for me. Her uncle died and left her a home in Arizona, so I cam here, looked around, decided that would work for me and I was fine with living in a trailer if necessary. I was able to buy a house, I’ve been here for almost 20 years now, did not remarry, love my alone life. Galfriends are great. They don’t criticize, they are fun to be with and I couldn’t be happier. My sons are far away, but I’m fine with that. I got away from my ex’s hometown which I had despised and being 1,500 miles away from it and him was the best thing I ever did.
      Best wishes in arranging your new life! The quiet in your mind will be a reward.

      1. idigdirt Post author

        Thank you so much for your reply frog. I am coming to an end of my house sitting gig. Next week my friends will be heading back from Arizona. At this point I am probably going to rent. There is a new complex that is being built. The next phase will be ready mid April, then the last phase in June. I am hoping I am able to move in next month. The divorce still isn’t final. Lots of games thanks to the lawyers. Still many unanswered questions, mostly financial.

        My biggest need/want is what I’ve longed for for years now, my own place/space. I felt a prisoner when I was married mostly staying in my room. Since September I’ve lived with a friend and the past two months house sitting. I am very grateful for my “tribe” that I’ve not been living in my car but I’m so looking forward to having my own home.

        And yes, the quiet in my mind will absolutely be my reward!