Isn’t it about time that the Bank of Mum and Dad closed down?
My story is similar to a million others. Benefiting, if you could call it that, from the Thatcher revolution in the housing market ( if you can call selling off all of the country’s council housing stock, a revolution ). A few decades later, with subsequent political parties, using the same housing market ( by now, inflated out of all proportion ) to bolster the country’s wealth, my son is unable, as I was , to purchase a house and is at the whim of the rental market. My problem is, that having divorced, which obviously resulted in the sale of the house and with it, my last chance of home ownership, I am now a pensioner, on a very limited income, who finds himself supplementing his sons income. I sometimes wonder if it is love, or misplaced guilt, for a situation that was not of my making.
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Hello ustroll……..its kind of hard to comment without knowing the full circumstances….its very hard in this day and age for the young to be able to afford to leave home, let alone be able to obtain and afford a mortgage, …….misplaced guilt over what ?…..what we do for our kids is usually done out of love…..maybe in the future he will be able to buy property, circumstances change, nothing stays the same for ever, and hopefully he will be able to give you a dig out eventually…return the favour for the help you are giving him now….
ustrol, Many of us relate to what you say and I certainly do. We also need to be more careful with our giving. I would suggest that before you contribute that you have a look at the son’s budget. If he does not have one, he needs to make one.
You are right to question why you do what you do. Guilt may play a part. You give and then it becomes a habit. I am changing myself and reining in giving to grands.
We need to help or show the young ones how to be responsible with money.
Well to be honest im with star here its done out of love……what true parent can see their children without? We all know the let them learn quotes but we all do it myself included……and hopefully they will to their children. Just my view but I think most parents will agree yes we grumble when dishing out but still dish out haha.
Personally I have a different view. I let my daughters live their own lives and solve their own problems. That’s what I did when I was on my own.
My sister, my 2 brothers and I take care of our mother. She took care of her parents when they asked for her help. And I’m pretty sure that I could depend on any of my 2 daughters for help if I would need it.
I wonder if the behavior is dependent on what your parents did to their parents? Did they help them, or did they ask to be helped? You show by example, even if you’re not aware of it.
My parents let me be independent when I left home, thats what I have also done with my daughter.
My son is also independent even thought he lives with me.
Yes I would do anything for my children if I had the money.
Like most things in life it revolves round money when you haven’t got it you can’t share it.
My daughter always knows where I am
I may sound harsh ustroll but why are you supplimenting your son’s income ? You are a pensioner he is working. It surely now should be the other way round. If money is tight for him maybe he should get a second job. That’s what I did many years ago.
Ustroll, I don’t think the Bank of Mum and Dad is a new thing it has ever been so. Parents want their children to do well and this is a natural oder I think. Children are an extension of us and we have responsibility for them, that never ends. However…….I think being a parent is a long story of letting go, I can only speak as a mother as it is the only experience I have and it is all about letting go. The child is initiated by two and is a mixture of those two people that generated this life. Mothers harbour that germ of life in their bodies and it is very much a part of them, then there is the birth the first letting go followed by many others, first day at school, the teenage years as the child develops into an adult, the child leaving home, the child getting married, the child having a child! Because the the whole object of parenthood is is to produce an independent adult.The ideal parent teaches the child all life’s rules and gives them the tools to make their own lives. If a child needs help and you are able to support financially , want to…OK. But always make the terms of the help clear, is it totally a gift or is it a loan, in which case you need the details written down by you and your child or have this done professionally.
If there are other children, they must be made fully aware of the arrangements even though the choice is yours if you help or not. If you the parent are being pressured or feel you are being manipulated by your child, you need an out the of family view of the whole situation.
Having said all that one hopes that the the child has been brought up with good loving values and takes responsibility of their own affairs. If a parent sees a need, wants to help and can do so without jeopardizing their own welfare, do it with love the child is lucky.
Remember living is not easy LOL. True when I was young my husband and I bought a dilapidated old farmhouse in Cambridgeshire for just under eight thousand pounds. It was a ruin pretty much and we camped out in it but we had scraped hard to save that money and way back then you also needed a good deposit for house purchase. . We repaired it our selves over a number of years doing all the work ourselves. As my husband got his phd and I had my children and raised pigs and ducks to supplement income . British people will know you could not buy a shed of that amount of money now but at the time we had very little income and scrimped along, it was not easy then and it is not easy now to get started., it never has been easy unless you live a gilded life. We had nothing, no fancy, clothes, car, furniture, eating out, holidays etc. We did have health, energy,fun and laughs…we knew our parents would have helped if they could have but we also knew they did not have the resources to do so…..we never asked. They helped as they could. but giving us gifts or financial help was not possible. I know nothing about your family or your children but I do meet many young people and while many of those are great, hard working etc others do have a sense of entitlement that I don’t think my generation ever had.
That’s Rock is an excellent point of view! Michael
Another thought, if helping the young ones enable them in a big way like education or a first home for example most parents or grandparents may be happy and wise to give money or a loan. If the children or grandchildren are just having luxuries that they cannot afford, giving money or loans is not helping the young ones in any significant way. In my life, my siblings and I have helped each other at critical times or to get a home loan. I believe in people helping each other, but you cannot help anyone who is not helping themselves or ones who are unwilling to live on the money that the earn. In the US a small sum of money for costs and fees and a person can buy a home which can be cheaper than rent. So, giving small sums can make a huge difference. I know major cities, this is not possible so many young people need to seek their future in a new place. I moved to a large city from a county place with no opportunities. Help may be sharing some options that are not being considered by the young ones.
I had to put a stop to babysitting my grans so frequently. For one thing, I’m exhausted by the end of a 10 hr. day. For another, I don’t get my own work done. Since I’m beginning a new writing career, I have to be disciplined enough to write every day. Kids can figure out their expenses and be creative in caring for their families, if they put their minds to it -and sometimes, if we step back and allow them.
I mean, we did, didn’t we?
MsK. I agree. We did take care of our own children and here in the US there is more outside help available. I have a niece that are going to preschool at two. She may be low income. Two parents can juggle their schedule. I had a niece that worked weekends and her husband worked weekdays. Grandparents may be thrilled or glad to babysit when a crisis or something unexpected happens but 10 hours days is too much for most.
It is your time and you have the right to live it and you have goals for yourself which is good. Good luck with your writing.
You may want to write some blogs here for practice.
Cut that grown MAN off. He will quickly realize you are no longer his “daddy”. Guilt is ridiculous. If you have chosen to own the guilt, you Damn yourself and deserve it. Not mean, simply truthful. It’s amazing how humans manage in seemingly impossible situations, he will eventually do so without you. If you died today, he would make his own way.