Funnies

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,

"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!

You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,

"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said,

"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

It's always wise to get a second opinion!

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc".

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease".

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!"

Next............

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite laughed so hard

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ...
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next................

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Next..........

A customer asked, " In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage ?"

The assistant asks, " Are you Irish ?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, " Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish ?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican ?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish ?"

The assistant says, " No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, " Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish ?"

The assistant replied, " Because you're in Halfords."

Next.............

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE:WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDEā€¦

THE END

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Funnies was last modified: November 4th, 2014 by welshchrisie
Published in Jokes & Humour

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