I grew up in the Church of England. Christened and confirmed. I wore a white dress and a veil.

I was married in the Presbyterian Church. It took me 14 minutes to get married and 14 years to get out of.

My upbringing was full of abuse and pain. I was told by the church that what was happening to me was my fault. I was to young to understand adults had choices. And that some of those choices they made reflected directly on my life.

Sitting in a church I would look around at all the families with children, looking for the tell tale bruises like the ones I had. I never saw any.

By the time I was a teenager I had picked my own path in life. I fell off it more times than I can count, but I always got back up, brushed myself off, (sometimes literally), and kept walking.

I was told I needed to forgive and forget, but that is not possible, because to forgive is to take away the way they justified what they did. I understand why they did what they did, but forgiveness is not on my agenda.

Forgiveness does not take the memories or pain away. Healing comes with time.

I met a lot of people, and some of the most nonjudgmental people were the ones who I slept in doorways with. There was no asking what you were doing there, it was just understood that we were all in the same boat.

 Life is full of lessons and the one I learnt early was not to rely on anyone or anything.

If it makes it easier for you to have someone to blame for what happens to you then so be it. For me, I have my own ways of coping.

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Published in Senior Chatters


  1. 5mintbreak

    Well done kiwigirl, you are a survivor, we each face many a challenge in our lives, as you say the memories stay, and if you can forgive it still doesn’t lesson the hurt suffered.

  2. fitlyspoken2u

    Really touched by your post & am so sorry you went thru such. And, you are a strong survivor thru it all & have proven to yourself that no one can control your life but you! Yes, each of us do have a ‘story’ … like is heard so often. God bless you.

  3. deaks

    forgiveness is not meant to be a selfish act to ease ones own pain
    to forgive is to accept that we are all capable to cause pain to another seen or unseen
    forgiveness should be an inspirational act to go forth and help your fellow man
    to be the one who can be relyed on not asking reliance in return
    to help another to love another can be the only way to stop the spread of pain
    uve been hurt to the point of not being human I feel sorry for u
    and I forgive u

  4. starlette

    Hello Kiwi…….I am with you on the forgive and forget bit…….how could you ……and why should you……I read all the clichés about carrying bad memories around with you cos it will make you bitter……I don’t know the ins and outs of your story, but I would find it hard to understand why the abusers did abuse…… it the people in life guilty of abuse, and trying to cleanse their souls who up come up with these little gems of advice to help ease your mind……all for your benefit of course…….Nah that doesn’t wash with me…….they have to live with their crimes and may their minds become troubled with the guilt….

  5. deaks

    let them without sin cast the first stone
    everyone hurts and everyone gets hurt
    I don’t understand ur sins starlette
    but I forgive them
    as I would hope my sins are forgiven

    1. starlette

      I know my sins Deaks and they have never involved hurt and abuse…..I have never know ling hurt anyone…..indeed I have always been there for others……so thanks for your forgiveness but my conscious is clear, and I am quite happy to live in my own skin and mind …so on this occasion I will have to refuse your offer of forgiveness……but I will be sure to give you a shout if ever I feel in need of it…….Go In Peace my Brother….

  6. deaks

    a friend of mine grew up abused by perents bullyed at school tormented by girls
    he grew up hating girls bulling his workmates abusing his children
    he got caught and punished but whos realy guilty
    him or his education in life
    and the circle continuses
    break the circle forgive and love

  7. deaks

    does not knowing mean it hurts less or does less damage
    does it excuse ur actions
    maybe you are the only one on this planet that is pure
    I knee before u for u are god

  8. deaks

    what is sarcasm to one is the truth to another
    what is truth but perception by one
    oh and your faint attempt at sarcasm well all I can say is try harder