Thoughts sparked by a post from Grandmaj
Not wishing to spark or enter into long debates, but ignoring your post and comments @grandmaj feels like it would just be copping out. So here I my thoughts. I grew up with two loving parents (Mum & Dad) both of whom had fairly old fashioned values. Dad couldn’t cook a thing (except boil a kettle) until Mum died a few years ago and Mum relied on him totally for all the manly household tasks. What was the effect of that? I turned out to be a DIY disaster, although I have a go at most things but the outcome is often questionable, my brother went of the the RAF for a few years then got out early and bummed around for a few years before being a telephone engineer and deciding never to have kids. I ended up with five kids through two marriages neither of which lasted. My best mate also had a Mum & Dad, he’s 61 and he’s never said a good word about his upbringing. He’s also been divorced twice. Another of my old friends has become a recluse, as has his sister. Their parents stayed together until the two kids were over eighteen with regular family rows about things, and then all of them disappeared to all four corners of the UK never to speak to one another ever again. Now by comparison, my partner / girlfriend brought up her kids on her own after her husband left when they were very young, and he had very little contact with them. The bond she has with her two – now adult – kids is like nothing I’ve experienced. They call her without fail several times a week, for all sorts of reasons, and confide about pretty much everything. Her son (the eldest) has moved away a little further for work reasons but comes back and visits whenever he can. He has two children with his girlfriend (they are the ones invading us for Christmas) and he visibly took on a ‘male’ role as if it was required because of the lack of a Dad living in the house. Her daughter is gay, has very strong family values and is now married and planning to start a family. I’ve been constantly amazed at how much strength and mutual support is in my girlfriend’s family despite the old single parent handicap, especially compared with the other ‘normal 2.4 children’ households that I’m closely associated with. I suppose I’m saying that I don’t know if there really is evidence that having both parents is the guarantee of a successful family unit. This has been a long comment for which I apologise now, but having written it and felt the words, maybe I’m not feeling quite as hostile about being descended upon by our ‘uninvited guests’ this Christmas – her Son, his Girlfriend and their two noisy infants – after all. So maybe there’s some actual real world benefit and good for me personally from the post and all the comments, and adding my two penneth worth over a morning coffee. In fact as this comment has turned out so long, I’ll try to cut & paste it from @grandmaj’s post and put it in a Blog instead. Wish me luck!
Recommend0 recommendationsPublished in Senior Chatters
@dj great blog
I started off not wanting to ignore the family based comments on your stand up comic post and wound up having even more profound thoughts than I was writing about. Having done that, I suppose I’m no longer feeling negative about the Christmas guests. So that’s a good thing. Thanks.
@dj I am glad my stand up comedy post gave you a new outlook on Xmas. Make the most of it and enjoy
Will do.
@dj A very interesting read. I grew up with 2 parents but had no children of my own. My parents passed away when I was in my 20s. My sister and I are estranged. My partner’s family are also all gone. So it’s just my partner and I at Christmas. Sometimes that’s a nice cosy thing. But there are times I see families gathering at Christmas on TV and it looks very jolly.
I haven’t seen the blog that prompted this response, and maybe I would rather not see it. I became a single parent when my youngest of 3 children was a toddler. Although we didn’t have an easy life, we muddled through with lots of love. Today, they know that I always fix Sunday dinner, and usually all 3, along with grown grandkids show up. Even though I have “should I, could I, would I” moments, I think as a family, we did ok.
Just making the point about single parent families turning out the same or as well as or better than the old norm of Mum & Dad, from what I’ve experienced. There’s always pros and cons, of course, and no one gets married thinking they’ll also split up but are they disadvantaged as a result? Aside from the aforementioned ‘cons’ I think overall that kids from families that have split have equal chances of a strong family bond as those who had both parents together.
@dj I agree. My point was. Just because one comes from the so called “normal” family, doesnt make it the perfect or right family. Two parents that love and treat their children how they deserve to be treated is the perfect family. Or one parent is just as capable of raising well loved, and intelligent children. How the family is made up doesnt make it the “right” way. Doesn’t have to be Mum & Dad. It just has to be a parent figure.
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Yes, having 2 loving parents in the home is ideal. A home full of love is the most important part. 🙂
That @dj was a very evocative blog and I read it twice. I’ve only just logged on and I’m scrolling downwards so I’ve not yet reached or read the post by @grandmaj I don’t want to make any controversial comments that might hurt or offend you but I will say that I see exactly where you’re coming from. I may have misread it but you don’t, I think, mention any biological children of your own. Families are the lifeblood of communities but sometimes things can go irreparably wrong. I have one offspring, a son to whom I have not spoken to or seen for welll over 30 years but this is not about me it’s about you and your blog. Reading between all the lines, I think you have a wonderful relationship with your lady and, although you may be slightly envious of her loving relationship with her children, you’re most definitely in it for the long haul. 😊
Hi @scorpio and thanks. It didn’t start as a blog, just a comment added to a comedic clip posted my Grandmaj and commented on by your good self, about families and children and the family unit. My fingers ran away with my thoughts as I typed so I cut it from the comments and posted it here instead because it became so long. Yes I do have five children (all grown up) from two different marriages, both of which ended a long time ago. I actually mentioned it…ha ha…but there was a lot of detail by the time I got to the end.
Sorry, I misread it. I’m sure you’ll have a brilliant Christmas but DO make sure you have plenty of batteries for anything that might need them. Please god nobody’s bought a drumkit fir any of the grandkids !
No drum kits but somebody has bought a kitchen that will require assembling so that the three year old granddaughter can play with it. No problem with that, it’ll keep me nicely occupied for a while.
Fantastic blog. And it really does the make the point. I think it takes me back to a never ending discussion with my Mum. Nature versus nurture. We are all different personalities regardless of our upbringing. But how life and our important people treat us is bound to have a huge effect on us. One thing I know for sure is life is difficult and being a ‘perfect’ parent is impossible. I do think if we are loved and valued and cared for we stand a good chance. I have nothing but respect and awe for good parents who do it alone. It is a huge task for 2 people and it takes alot of love all round to make it work. We wont all spend xmas with our loved ones. But sometimes thats ok. Im back now to good enough is sometimes the best you can do, and hopefully its good enough.
Yes and that’s what it will be, good enough 👍