The Tale of Sir Alan and his sojourn into the Land of Towie
My Lady Jessica, I made good my departure to acquire the knowledge and the skill to free you one last time…to remove that damned chastity belt for one last time and to make sweet madrigals with my lady in her bedchamber. In my absence Jim the oastler boy promised to try and find out as much detail of the labyrinth chambers and the species of dragons that are lurking there and to try and keep you updated on my progress.
Upon reaching the county of Essex it was noticeable that the travel on the footpaths and bridlepaths became seriously congested and I could not but wonder what caused such a blockage. Soon I learned the reason why…checkpoints on every route! Not having anything to fear I boldly gave my name to the guards only to be immediately seized upon by the ruffians masquerading as upholders of the law. From my path by the river Chelmer I was unceremoniously brought to Castle Indulgence…the home of your ‘good’ friend Lady Roseanne. I was taken into the great hall where Lady Roseanne awaited me resplendent in her courtly attire. She apologised for the method of my arrival but assured me that she had nothing but good intentions towards our cause and that she had only had to adopt such methods due to the fear of an antipodean attack on my virtuous being. Not fully believing such matters I decided to give Lady Roseanne the benefit of the doubt…
I was shown to my quarters…adjoining the bedchamber of Lady Roseanne as I latter discovered…and allowed time to freshen up before the banquet held in my honour. My Lady Lessica whilst I was bathing in a tub of rose petal rosewater I could not help but feel eyes were upon me. But casting my eyes about my chamber I could discern not a living soul although my eyes did rest upon a portrait that seemed to have very life like eyes and kept drawing my attention. Indeed at one point I could have sworn the eye winked but put this down to the fatigue of the journey.
Dressing I made my way to the banquet hall to find that it was the most only a banquet for two which was somewhat unusual. The food was pleasant indeed and much of our time was spent in talking of you my Lady Jessica and I have to say that this caused my growing tumescence to rear its head again…unfortunately as we were parted I did not think to bring a codpiece with me and so my problem just grew and grew…However I was somewhat distracted by some unusual behaviour by my host who whilst she talked to me seemed to absent mindedly stroke the back of my leg with her instep. Coupled to this she seemed to have forgotten the type of dress she was wearing as it was rather low cut across the bosom and so when she leaned forward to talk to me..which she frequently did…I was nearly blinded by the sight that caught my eye! Being an honourable knight I thought to look away but found that when I did my Lady Roseanne’s foot rose higher to sharply catch my attention! Drawing my chair back was out of the question as it would only reveal my swelling problem and so I was forced to endure this attack upon my sight and my person.
Trying to move the topic away from thoughts of you my Lady and your tender caresses as we lay together I happened to mention the strange colour of many of the wenches in Essex and I was informed that this was due to the craze of tanning whereby wenches paint fake tan on themselves…verily they reminded me of the pygmy tribe of Oompah-Loompahs I have encountered in the Crusades! At this point the Lady Roseanne decided to tell me of another strange Essex custom and requested her serving wench to lift her skirts before me to display how they sought to enhance their most intimate parts! My Lady Lady Jessica they place jewels there and perform some weird topiary to give shape and design to their natural foliage! Well sadly all this did was make me cast my mind to my Lady Jessica’s natural beauty and of the true jewel that lay in her crown and my tumescence grew so vigorous at the thought that there was a resounding thumping on the underside of the banquet table. This was so loud that both Lady Roseanne and her wench thought that there was a knocking at the door!
In time I managed to somehow gain control over my thoughts and made my leave of Lady Roseanne to retire to bed. Just as I was about to get ready for my nightattire there was a knocking at the door beside my bed and who should enter but my Lady Roseanne bearing a final nightcap drink for both of us. I was somewhat surprised to see the Lady Roseanne in her nightgown, but she explained that she was in the next chamber ready to attend to any need that ‘arose’ in the night and that she was most eager to help make my stay as memorable as possible! I sure she did not realise but as she stood next to the candlelight it became very apparent that the material of her nightgown was diaphanous and translucent…in short her nightgown became totally see-through! I near spluttered the contents of my nightcap across the room but upon a few sips I found myself becoming very sleepy, very quickly. My Lady Jessica, the last thing I recall was hands helping me to bed…and then the next thing I knew I awoke and it was morning. I am assuming Lady Roseanne had called for male attendants as I was divested of my clothes and rather foolishly they had failed to place my nightgown on but had at least covered me with the bedsheet.
Over breakfast Lady Roseanne seemed rather pleased with herself and I could not imagine why but just felt rather uneasy about some underhand trick having been played upon my good self. Not wishing to linger longer than was necessary I bid my Lady Roseanne farewell and thanked her for her hospitality. To which the Lady Roseanne replied that the pleasure had been all hers and grinned from ear to ear! I swiftly made my departure and after conference with the warlock Potter have returned to the land of dragons ready to take the next step in my quest to free my Lady Jessica!
My Lady Jessica my enforced parting from you has only made me all the more determined to free you and to enflame my passions for you even more. I remain your loyal knight and your paramour Sir Alan xxx
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Ermmmmmm my Sir Alan, you appear to be meeting lots of buxom females !!……be they ladies or wenches, seems they all manage to have their wicked way with you………and of course you can never understand how this occurs..lol lol xxx
Nice tale Babe hehehe
I am somewhat distressed by the gallant Knights interpretation of my courtliness and greetings. I am a Lady of the Mighty Kingdom of Essex and have always shown the utmost hospitality to gallant Knights on their way to deeds of manliness and splendour. Sir Alan the nightwear was made of Chantilly Lace, purely to show you what your Lady Jessica is expecting! I am shocked you assumed you could see through it….. I would suggest you remove those special spectacles (a Knight indeed you are but not Superman 😉 ) lol. I wish you success on your venture to rescue the Lady Jessica but would strongly suggest that your ‘tumescence’ should be controlled, my dining table has been damaged beyond repair! Lady Jessica I remain innocent of all wicked ways! The Knight mistakes me for Esmerelda….. I am fainting in distress and need a new Knight to apply smelling salts to revive me…. lol xxxxx
Roseanne I will send you a new round table..courtesy of Sir IKEA..he has many outlets throughout the realm lol Apologies for the damage but where Lady Jessica is concerned I just lose all self control …Contrite Sir Alan xx
Noooooo …Roseanne, your story isn’t washing ………Esmeralda is in the tower with me brushing my long flaxen hair………..your memory is letting you down my dear……..better try again. lol xx
Damn!!! That story took me a while to compile star!!! Ok Ok I admit it…. the gallant Sir Alan engaged in converse unknown to me, he gave me the Lace outfit to try on as he had doubts it was your size, I did as requested. Tis my fault I know, (hanging head in shame…. or grinning from ear to ear….chose your own version)…. I took pity upon a poor Knight and showed him welcome…………… xxxx
Methinks your welcome was a bit too hospitable………….but I will choose to believe Sir Alans version because he is a man and always truthful…………and I am a women and always gullible. .
lol Star nice role reversal of gender stereotypes lol As for me having no recollection of the night’s events I can only suggest that I fear my posset was drugged by the Lady Roseanne and then took unfair advantage of me! lol
my dear sir Alan and lady jessica, I fear my lady Roseanne placed the fear of god into you by telling you that h there was to0 be an antipodean invasion upon your presence before you avalied yourself of her presence sir Alan , My lady Alexia is travelling incognoto from the antipodes to aske lady jessica to hide her from her wicked aunt and uncle who had her sent to the Antipodes as a young child, and we have assisted her in fleeing to Essex county for her saftey , she is really the princess of watcha ma call it and her wicked aunt and uncle had her inprisoned in the antipodes until the tender age of 16, of which she now has attained, so we are trundelling in the Cobb and co. coach trying to reach Lady Jessicas castle without a knight for her protection , methinks as lady alexias chaperone and lady in waiting, that the lady roseanne has done my lady a disfavour by delaying your travels to Sir incests place of abode. we are in distress and await a kind knight to assist us in our rndeavours ., please we implore your knitlinesss to send us a knight to accompany us if you can do so before we are set upon in this strange land.
My sympathies to you indeed mistress Lani…the role of chaperone is an important one in this time of debauchery throughout the land. I would have gladly assisted you in you travels to ensure safe passage to my Lady Jessica, however Lady Roseanne seemed to have other ideas! Pray let me see if amends can be made to bring you and the Lady Alexia safely to my Lady Jessica!
Sir Alan
I am now getting a tad suspicious of the goings on since I have been imprisoned in this darned tower……….Sir Alan you are making amends to.bring Lady Alexia to me………now why would I want that………she is looking for a gallant knight……..and I have a sneaky feeling that the knight she has in mind is you……….I am also informed that her bosom rises more than mine …….although I doubt this to be true, as you can well confirm……….I think she should be left on the streets of Essex, attired in her black stockings and white stilettoes to await her fate ..
My lady Jessica you have no need to fear. You know as well as I that when a knight is called upon by a Lady to defend her or protect her then he is honour bound to do so. You also know the strength and potency of my allegiance to you and with you. It is unshakeable my lady…unlike your old bed which rattled constantly to our jousting …and it is also unbreakable. The lady Alexia is a young charge in my Mistress Lani’s safekeeping and I will only deliver them safely to you as it is obviously important they reach you for whatever reason…I remain your one true knight Sir Alan!
Phewww, what a relief that you pledge your allegiance to me…….yet again you have reassured me of your loyalty to me………you seem to be doing a lot of this lately……….and yet again I am totally in awe of you Sir Alan……….you have a way with words that wins me over every time ermmmm. Yours ( just a little bit gullible ) Lady Jessica x
My Dear lady Jessica, My lady alexia is indeed in great need of your kind hospitality and graciousness, she is escaping from wicked relatives from her home in the antipodes, who had her imprisoned there as a child, we have come thus far hoping to find succor in your home with you as a chaperone and mentor to teach our lady alexia your fruitfull and experienced ways, she is but a mre child and needs your valuable assistance , As her lady in waiting I implore you to take her under your wing and protect her from the evil ones,Lady alexia or to give you her correct title the Princess of Watcha ma call it, , she has many opals and jewels hidden in her buxom blouse for you ,for your protection.I have implored a knight that is well respected to accompany our lady alexia to your castle, awaiting his response. HrH lady in waiting Sarah, ooops forgot the lady in waitings name lol.
I welcome your approach sir knight , and thank you for the offer of an escort through the dark forests of essex, to our lady jessicas castle, my lady alexia will be most grateful, I am sure you are aware our lady Alexia is really the princess of watcha ma call it. and those back in watcha ma call it will reward you when the present varmits are overthrown and her royal highness can be returned to her rightful place where she belongs, after her teachings from our good and kindly lady jessica.
Hey you lady Sarah…….whatcha think I am…..a hooker………teach lady Alexia what may I ask…………..any tricks I know are reserved for Sir Alan……….but he seems to be spreading himself a little thinly of late……….just might have to give squire John a bell.
methinks the lady jessica is misunderstanding the situation , my lady alexia needs polishing , her manners , her tresses and her dresses and her makeup needs a little transpositioning lol i,m sure you will treat kindly lady alexia because your father is going to allow you out of your castle tower to assist our lady alexia and then you can sneak I mean go out of the castle walls and meet sir alan . at night and lady alexia can be your alibi see !! kill two birds with one stone ha ha .x.
Noooo Lani, my father is not allowing me out of the castle…….my only escape will be when Sir Alan rescues me ( and i wish he would get a move on ) no alibi will be needed with my trysts with Sir Alan, all dangers will have been removed, Sir Alan and Lady Jessica will be free to romp and cavort at will………can you not understand, i am not here to help with Lady Alexias polishing routine,,,,,,,,,,the only polishing i will be undertaking is polishing my Kights Sir Alans armour…….for this he will be very grateful………and my reward will be…….well lets just say……One Good Turn Deserves Another …lol xx
my lady alexia is well pleased with the good fortunes of yourself and sir Alan and will not delay his journey one wit, to your side, we are still trundeling through theses dark forests of Essex, . in our Cobb and co. coach and four which is a standout in this strange land and methinks robbers are after LADY alexias treasure,, these she brings to you as a reward for your kindness and shelter, they are securely hidden in her boosem,where no man goes. black opals from the antipodes, diamonds from the west, and pearls from the southern ocean, the most beautiful pearls in all the world, all for your treasure chest when we arive we do beg your indulgence this one time to assist the lady alexia, in her quest for freedom so she can very soon take up her post as the princess and queen of watch a ma call it. lady sarah, lady in waiting to princess alexia.xxx.
Nope Lady Sarah, this Alexia women can keep her black opals in her own treasure chest…..the one where Sir Alan will not me.rummaging……..just aint gonna happen. x
woe is my lady alexia your hard heart will not go unnoticed by the kindness of knights in shining armour my good lady, you have nothing to fear form lady alexia a mere child .we will just have to impose on the goodly nature of sir alan to lead us out of this dark forest of essex into an enlightened castle somewhere in england where the courtiers are more respectful of a princess in waiting .I thank you for your advice . we must travel further and my good lady alexia is quite faint at the prospect of continuos travel in this old cobb and co coach and four .to find a place of temporary shelter., I am sure sir Alan will know of somewhere we can find succor for lady alexia the princess of watch a ma call it , i bid you adieu/ sarah lady in waiting for the princess alexia
A mere child !! with a bosom big enough to hide a treasure chest of gems in…….do me a favour…….Sir Alan does my bidding Lady Sarah……..he is not for the use of any other lady only my own fair self………get it.
Well it looks like my knight in shining armour has let me down big time……..oh well just a man…..should have expected it. lol