Starting Over – Chapter Twelve

Chapter 12

Jack told me Tony was going to take a month’s leave of absence from work. My shoulders dropped when I heard the news. Now I wouldn’t get to see him at work, maybe try to talk to him.

This weekend had really been tough. As I came in my door Monday, I threw my sweater on the chair, my bag on the floor, and practically fell on the couch. Jake was barking, he wanted to go out, his little tail stub wagging. I tried to ignore him but he was levitating now.

“Okay Jake, let’s take you out.” I walked with him listlessly until he did his business. Poor little guy needed a lot of attention. All Jack Russell’s did. Sadly, he wasn’t getting it from me.

As I brought him in, I got his food ready. He devoured everything in his bowl.

“Did I feed him this morning?” I wondered as I threw the dirty bowl into the sink on top of the dirty breakfast dishes.

I asked Mom to take Jake for a few weeks and she agreed. He would be better off with her.

I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Tony’s not wanting to see me was something I didn’t anticipate. When I finally I trusted him, he left me. How ironic.

My head was throbbing and I still ached all over, mostly my heart. I went through the motions of getting my clothes out for tomorrow. Skirt, jacket, blouse, underwear, do they match? Who cares.

What did Barbara say at the office, “Julie, what did you forget to take your clothes out of the cleaners?”

Jack was going to come over tonight. He was bringing take out. Food was tasteless right now so didn’t matter if it was Chinese, Italian, or Mexican, it all tasted the same to me.

Jack’s usually impeccable suit was wrinkled at work today. He needed a shave. I wondered why he wanted t come over tonight.

I needed to change my clothes before he got here. I picked up a crumpled pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt off the floor in my bedroom. That would do. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and scrubbed my face. When Jack left, I was going straight to bed.

Jack looked a little startled when he saw me. He didn’t look so hot himself. We ate dinner quietly picking at our food. When it was over, Jack picked up everything and put it in the garbage.

“Who are we kidding Julie?” as he unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, “I can’t forget what I saw last night, and I know you can’t forget what Tony did either.”

We just stared at each other like two zombies across from each other on the couch. Jack came over and put his arm around me. I couldn’t cry anymore, no more tears left.

“Tony is going to help Mia get the counseling she needs and he’s going for counseling himself. I told him how upset you are.”

Jack put his head down for the next part, “Tony said he wants you to go on with your life Julie. He knows now he can’t be a part of it. Please forgive him.”

I looked Jack straight in the eye, emotionless, as he was telling me this. I had nothing to say.

“Julie, are you all right? I told Tony he should come here and tell you this himself but he couldn’t.”

“Okay Jack, you told me,” I said in a monotone voice.

“Julie, yell, scream, cry, do something.”

“I’m going to bed Jack. Do me a favor, mention to Andrea that I’ll be out sick tomorrow.”

“Julie…”

I put my hand up to keep Jack at arm’s length and pushed him towards the door. He was still trying to talk as I closed it on him.

“Well, Tony doesn’t want to talk to me or see me!” I mocked as I started flinging the dishes in the sink against the wall and let them crash to the floor. Like a tornado, anything in my path got thrown, even poor Jake almost got in the way of my wrath. When my anger was spent, I looked around and was shocked at what I had done. The couches and chairs were tipped over, pillows flung everywhere.

“I think I’ll make some coffee and have that great piece of cheesecake Mom left for me.”

Tony wasn’t the only one allowed to make decisions in this relationship. I really needed to decide if and when he came back, would I still want him. Passion isn’t the only thing in a relationship, there has to be trust and stability.

As I pulled the covers over my head, Jake jumped up on the bed and went under the covers with me. He lay in the crook of my back. I patted him and then tried to fall asleep.

I couldn’t stay home forever so after a few days I went back to work.

In the days that followed, Jack picked me up for lunch every day and took me out of the building so we could talk privately. In the beginning we only spoke of Tony and Mia, and their progress. As the weeks passed, we talked more and more about ourselves. I was really able to lean on Jack and he knew I was there for him too. It was almost like Jack was my best friend now.

When Jack took me home one night, I asked him why he never married and he told me about his history with Tony’s sister Lena. He had loved her since they were kids but after the incident with her father she just gave up on people. Jack and Tony both realized they should have told the police what Lena’s father did to her and maybe she would have gotten the right help.

“You were only kids Jack, how could you know what to do?”

Jack changed the subject, “you know Julie, ever since I met you, I wanted to get to know you more,” Jack said softly. “There’s a great bed and breakfast called the Sand Dollar, by the ocean, and I’d love to take you there.”

I started fumbling with my house keys and dropped them as I answered Jack, “Jack, I’m not ready for anything like that right now.”

He cupped my face in his hands and laughed, “Julie, I’m not suggesting shacking up my dear, only two friends enjoying a weekend together. There’s so much to see there. I don’t guarantee that I’ll always be satisfied just being a friend, but for now it’s good.”

My heart was racing. I didn’t expect this, and as we both bent over to pick up my keys, we knocked heads on the way up.

“Ouch!!” we both yelled and starting laughing.

“Julie, are you okay?” Jack smiled as he kissed my forehead. As was working his way down to my lips, the phone inside rang and brought us back to reality.

“I have to run Jack. Talk to you later,” I said hurriedly as I ran into the house.

All night I saw two faces in front of me, Jack’s and Tony’s. I didn’t need this new complication in my life.

The next night I finally picked up Jake from my mother’s house, he was jumping almost up to my chest. I really missed that little guy. My Mom had a whole bag of food and goodies ready for me to bring home.

“How’s it going honey?” Mom asked as she straightened out my collar and brushed some imaginary lint from my shoulder.

“I’m okay Mom. You of all people know it takes time to get over a loss.”

“I know Julie. It will take time but don’t take so much time that you let other opportunities slip away.”

Did Mom know about Jack? I never mentioned anything and I wasn’t going to. Actually, it was almost fun having a secret from Mom.

When I got home, I knew my bills were piling up and I needed to do them pronto so they’d be in the mail the next morning. As I took them out of the drawer, my hand scraped against the ornament Tony had given me. There was the angel with “Starting Over” inscribed on her. There seemed to be electricity going from the ornament straight through my body to my heart. I dropped it and it broke in half. Maybe that was an omen, we were broken and couldn’t be fixed. I contemplated throwing it out and decided to just throw both pieces back in the drawer.

When I got to work the next day, my desk was loaded with folders I had to attend to. The phones were ringing off the hook. I saw Jack’s name come up and I decided to answer that call first.

“Hi Julie. Just wanted to let you know that Tony will be officially back today.”

The air seemed too thick for me to breathe and I started choking.

“Julie, you okay? I’ll come right over.”

“No Jack. I’m fine and thanks for the heads up. Talk to you later, I have to pick up these calls.”

My hands starting shaking as I tried to pick up the folders and I dropped two on the floor. After I picked them up I tried reading through them but I couldn’t concentrate and the contents made no sense to me.

I needed to go for a walk and clear my head so I called to Barbara, “Barbara, please take this call for me, I need to run to the ladies room.”

As I ran down the hall in a panic, I tripped over a small step that led to the next wing. I fell down hard and was looking at someone’s shoes as I tried to get up. The hands that lifted me were familiar, I knew that touch. My heart was pounding and I started to tremble.

“Hi Julie. You okay?” Tony said as he lifted me up.

I looked in his eyes and just wanted to throw myself in his arms. If he had given any signal I would have, I would have forgiven everything, but he just looked at me blankly.

It would have been less painful if he had slapped me in the face or kicked me when I was down. The trembling was really extreme now, and my eyes started to tear.

“I’m okay Tony. Did you have anything you wanted to say to me?” I asked holding my breath.

He looked at me as if I was a stranger and said, “no, just be careful of that step next time.”

The pain returned, I didn’t know how much more of this grieving I could bear. My shoulders slumped, I went back to my desk.

“Julie, you look like a ghost!” Barbara exclaimed while she had a call on hold. “Are you coming down with something?”

I had to leave so I lied, “I think I must be getting that virus that accounting was struck with last week. I’m going home.”

As I left the building, my eyes were flooded with tears, I could barely get the key in the ignition. I sobbed loud uncontrollable sobs while I was driving. I screamed and cried at the same time. It was a miracle I got home in one piece.

The doorbell rang and I dragged myself to open it. If it was a salesman, I was going to tear his head off.

When I opened the door Jack stood there. He wasn’t smiling now, his blue eyes were sad, and he pulled me to him. I tried to pull away but he held tight.

“I didn’t think this would be a good day for you Julie. I wanted to be there the first time you saw Tony but it didn’t work out that way. Scream, cry, yell, do it all, I’m here for you.”

A thunderous noise came from deep in my belly and it could have awakened the dead. Through the screaming and thrashing, Jack never let go of me, he just held me tighter.

“Tomorrow is another day Julie. You don’t have to go through this alone.”