Starting Over – Chapter Eleven

Chapter 11

It wasn’t like Tony to break a date and not call. I couldn’t reach him on his cell, I’ve been calling all night. I even went by his house finally and there was no one home. What could have happened? I left a message on his door, “Please, please call me and let me know what’s going on.”

What’s really scary is Jack is not picking up his cell either. Was there an accident? Please God, let Tony be all right. Should I call the police? Should I try to get in touch with Mia? I’m so scared and confused, I don’t know what to do.

The doorbell! Who can that be at this hour?

As I ran to the door and opened it, there stood Jack, disheveled, exhausted, and crying. Oh my God, he’s going to tell me Tony’s dead. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I pulled him in.

“What happened Jack? Where’s Tony?’ I said quivering.

Jack proceeded to tell me what happened through his sobs. How they found Mia and the dead baby, the police, the hospital, and how he left Tony so anguished he heard his screams from the driveway.

I sat there in disbelief and put my arms around Jack to comfort him. I had never seen him so distraught and out of control. He clung to me like a small child.

“I’m going to Tony. He needs me.” I started to go for my car keys.

“No Julie,” Jack said as he gained control of himself. “He asked me to tell you not to come. Tony doesn’t want to see you right now,” Jack bowed his head as he said this.

“Why, he needs me now, I can’t let him face this on his own.”

“He needs help Julie, a different kind of help than you can give him. It’s going to take him a long time to get over this and he needs to do it alone. I’m sure he’ll contact you when he’s ready.”

I slumped down on the couch, every ounce of energy drained from me, the shock was wearing off and I was coming to the realization that I might not see Tony again. His guilt about his daughter might be the wedge that separated us for the rest of our lives.

“Are you sure Jack?” I was crying now, seemed like I couldn’t get a breath out without chest pains and tears.

“Trust me Julie. You can’t go to him the way he is now.”

I looked at Jack and at that moment he seemed so lost himself. He witnessed Tony holding a dead baby, his first grandchild, his god daughter covered in blood, his best friend feeling pain to the core of his being. In all this, he had to hold it all together for them, be the strong one.

Well right now he was collapsed on my couch. He needed someone to be strong for him.

“Jack, you can’t go home like this. I have an extra bedroom, you can stay the night.” He thanked me as he dragged his six foot frame up the stairs.

The night tortured me, allowing me no sleep, my mind racing over and over again. How could this be possible? I should be with Tony comforting him and he doesn’t want me near him. Should I ignore Jack and go to Tony right now? No, Jack was warning me for a reason. Tony probably made it very clear to him he didn’t want my help, he didn’t want to see me.

I thought Tony and I had come such a long way, that we would be there for each other for any of life’s cruel jokes, but in the end, Tony could only turn inward and away from me. This night was a horror for him but he didn’t understand the pain he was inflicting on me. I so dearly loved him but I’m banished now.

All I could think of was the last time I saw Tony, how he smiled at me and held me in his arms. We talked of the future, our kids, our jobs, just like we always did. I’ll give him a chance, if space is what he needs, I’ll do that too, but I’ll need the strength of a lion to stay away from him. I hope I can be that strong.

Jack left the next morning, he didn’t want breakfast. He hugged me and tried to reassure me that everything would be okay.

“Julie, I’m here if you need me. I know this is hard for you, you’re crazy about the guy but know that Tony is crazy about you too. I don’t know how this will play out, but you have to believe he really loves you. He just doesn’t have the same coping skills you do.”

Jack kissed me on the cheek as he left. By this time, I felt like a limp rag. He assured me he would keep in touch and let me know what was going on. He had such sorrow in his face when he looked at me, was that pity I detected? So be it.

I called in sick, I couldn’t face anyone at work. My body felt like it had been beaten, every inch of me hurt. As I passed the mirror to go to back to bed, a sad face, swollen from endless tears, looked back at me. I almost didn’t recognize myself. Exhausted, I pulled the covers over my head, I couldn’t deal with anything else right now. Thank God tomorrow was Saturday and I could hide for the rest of the weekend.

Depressed, well you could say I was. No baths, no clothes, no food, no sleep. The boys were away for the weekend, and they really didn’t know about me and Tony, so they would have no reason to think anything was wrong. I was glad I didn’t have to face anyone.

Sunday evening rolled around, as I put a robe on to go downstairs, I heard the doorbell. I knew I couldn’t answer the door looking like this so I decided to ignore it. After about ten trys, whoever was ringing went away. As I came down the stairs, I jumped in surprise as I saw my mother standing there.

“Julie, what’s wrong?” she cried. “Thank God I have the key to your house. You look horrible, what’s happened?’”

I didn’t want to talk to her and as I started to walk away, she grabbed me by the shoulders, “don’t you walk away. I’m not leaving till I know what’s going on.”

I could never lie to my Mom and as she looked deep into my eyes I started sobbing and blurted out the whole story. All of a sudden, she started crying too.

“I can’t bear to see you suffering. I hate Tony for what he’s doing to you. When you told me you’d take the consequences for the one weekend, it broke my heart because I knew just how bad it could be.”

We sat there huddled together crying and talking for maybe an hour. Mom told me about her “Tony” and how it almost destroyed her life.

“Before I met your father, I was dating a boy named Jim Armstrong. We were both eighteen and madly in love. No one ever made me feel the way Jim did. I would have done anything for him. How many times he walked away from me leaving me heartbroken to come back again and tell me how much he loved me, to beg for my forgiveness. Each time I thought I could fix him, but you can’t fix people Julie, they have to fix themselves.

I found out I was pregnant, and when I needed him the most, he walked away from me again. So big deal, he had a tough childhood, he never learned how to cope with his emotions, whatever his problems, he destroyed me and probably every other woman he went with from then on.

Grandma and Grandpa were horrified at my situation. Jim wouldn’t marry me, he conveniently left for college, and just the way you are feeling lonely and abandoned today, that’s how I felt then. I was just a kid and now I was bringing another kid into the world.

I didn’t want to give up my son, but Grandma and Grandpa convinced me it was the only way, that it would be better for my son. To this day I can see his chubby little face, his red hair and blue eyes. I can feel his little body close to my bosom.

In those days, it was a real stigma for a woman to have a baby out of wedlock. Grandma and Grandpa meant well but for the rest of my life I have never forgotten my son. I celebrate his birthday quietly every year.

Before your Dad and I got married, I told him about Jim and the baby. Your Dad was a good, solid, loving man. I didn’t feel the same passion for him initially as I did for Jim, but as the years went on I grew to love him so deeply, I could never imagine myself being with anyone else, not even Jim. Your father was really the love of my life.

When you and Marge were born, I was joyous, but I could never forget Johnny. That’s what I named him. So Jim’s problems caused me a lifetime of suffering, and I pray that Johnny went to a good loving family where he was treated well. That he doesn’t hate me too much for giving him up. Your father tried to help me find Johnny many times, but we always came to a dead end.”

I sat there stunned to know I had a brother out there somewhere. Looking at my Mom, I couldn’t imagine any more pain than to give up a child. What she must have suffered and yet she told me her secret today to help me get through this.

One thing I know is I’m so lucky to have her and my brother would have been too.

As Mom started clanking pots and pans in the kitchen, she called up to me, “get in that shower or I’ll come up and do it for you. I’m going to make you a wonderful dinner and you’re going to eat it!” Mom then started breading the chicken cutlets, making a tossed salad, and then she remembered the stuffed artichokes and Italian bread she had brought for me tonight. My Mom, she had all my favorite things.

I had to chuckle, Mom could be a tiger when it came to our family, she would come up and force me in the shower even if I didn’t want to. It felt good to have the hot, steamy water running down my body as I lathered up with my favorite soap. I was trying to clean off the sadness of this weekend but I knew it would take a long time and more than a shower to do it.

I had wanted to be alone but I didn’t have to be a phony with my Mom, she just shared a gut wrenching secret from her past to help me get through the pain of my present.

Freshly scrubbed, looking somewhat human, I sat down to dinner with her. Mom was too much, she not only cooked a great meal in half an hour but had set the table with candles and vased the flowers she initially brought.

This was so typical of Mom. Even when we were kids, she managed to make hardships better with her warmth and love.

We ate silently under the glow of the candles when the doorbell rang. My sons had returned from their camping trip and were stopping over before going home. I’m so glad they didn’t see what I looked like an hour before.

“Hi Mom, got some food for your babies!” Tommy quipped. “Ask your little girly boys over there who screamed the loudest when the bear came near our tent.”

“He’s so full of it,” Richie said as he ravenously ate a chicken cutlet in two bites.

“Truth be known Mom, these two were both screaming when I had the presence of mind to get the van and pull it up.” Robby chimed in.

“Not really little brother”…and on and on they went. We all started laughing at their stories and for a moment I forgot Tony.

As I had my mother and my sons around me, I realized how lucky I was in so many ways. The rest I would have to sort out. I knew this was going to be a rocky time for me especially when everyone left.