SPAM’d into an early grave
I had a birthday last week – a milestone of sorts because I am now at the minimum age required for retirement. This happy prospect is just a pipe dream, there is no chance of my employer releasing me with a full pension, nor can I draw my pension out and blow it on a glorious spree of travel and debauchery (probably a good thing).
I’m not really concerned with getting older, I’m still twenty-something in my head and the body hasn’t showed any serious signs of impending collapse. Yes, my knees hurt after a long hike, and I make little grunty noises when I ease myself up from the sofa and yes my eyesight has become more mole-like than owl-like but really – I have nothing to complain about. I am in good shape.
So why then have I started receiving the emails and leaflets that are determined to point out my advancing decrepitude?
You know the ones I mean because I’m sure everyone on this site is also victim to them. The ladies get Tena-lady offers (apparently you can laugh with confidence once you buy this product – presumably at the moment you just smile quietly) and the men get not-so-subtle promises of a prolonged love life via the likes of Viagra. Let us also mention stair-lifts, the comfy chairs that eject you into an upright position at the press of a button, the hair restoring or dying products, and most puzzling of all (at least to me) offers of security for my loved ones ‘when I am gone’ – do they know something I don’t ????
I don’t recall subscribing to any of these wonderful offers; I did not reach a certain age where I thought to myself ‘You know what Owly? You had better register for all those things that remind you every day that you are into your senior years, because that’ll be fun, right?’
And yet they know about me, all these purveyors of Wrinkleware. Somehow at some point I must have casually visited a website, innocently registered an interest in a magazine for over 50’s and wham! I am in the circle of databases that cater for the unyoung, passed around faster than a reefer at Glastonbury.
I notice also that when filling in forms I have moved up an age bracket: No longer ’40-50’ I have been promoted to ’50-60’ or (infinitely more terrifying) the final age group beyond which there is nothing.
I’m in a strange hinterland of age-awareness, a limbo land where I qualify for the adverts that insist I am getting on in years but not actually ‘getting on’ far enough to grab my pension, use my free bus pass, and hurtle off into the wild grey yonder (presumably via SAGA – yes, I get those leaflets as well).
Thank you for listening to this rant. I am going off to shovel the latest pile of junk mail into the recycle bin (there’s an irony there somewhere I think) and mark yet more email as ‘trash’. And then I am going to play some rock music good and loud. I have to play it loud; I’m getting hard of hearing as I get older.
Sigh.
Haaaa that all sounds far to familiar to me, mail on any impending birthday saying I should think about renewing my insurance plan as now the cost of funerals has risen and will continue to so………nothing like reading theses mails to stress you out and shorten your life……………..but my biggest grouse of all is being patronised in some shops when they think you have reached your sell by date, I am not your sweetheart, darling or whatever other term of endearment you think it is ok to use to someone you don’t even know….and believe it or not I am still able to fill in a form in a clear and articulate way, and don’t need to be told……..you just put your name in the box and I will fill the rest in for you dearie….Grrrrr……..now I don’t think I look any older than my years ,but I suppose to a youngster on the tills anyone over thirty is ancient……i..think more training should be given as to how to appropriately address customers, my friend who works in a nursing home told me that all the staff are now to address their patients by using Mr or Mrs whoever………no first name or pet names….my feelings on this are, if the patient is first asked how they would like to be addressed then that would be the way to go…..as for the lengthening of the retirement age, that is a joke, retirement, many will be dead before they have the chance to enjoy any kind of retirement, and many a man in any kind of physical job will never be able to work that long anyway……..the mind maybe more than willing, but unfortunately the body does not always want to follow…….but life is good as long as you don’t weaken……..my rant over too…now I’m off out to pick up a new supply of Tenna Ladies…..haaaa…….wonder if there on offer in Boots…hehe……
Yes Star I do feel your pain. Forms are still manageable for me so long as I have me reading glasses to hand, otherwise I am helpless. Most embarrassingly I was recently in Matalan, realised I hadn’t brought my glasses with me, and had to go and ask a young lady assistant to come over and read the size labels out for me. Oh boy.
I am desperate to take advantage of an early retirement – I have so many plans and so much to do and work just gets in the way these days. I’ve done my time in the corporate shark pool.
Owl you sound so old lol.
You have a taz too lol
Oh bet that tickles lol.
Oh yes Owl I can see your problem and I understand you so well. First thing that may helps you getting out of the quandary could be a change of your profil pic. on here.
Second send those firms a picture of yourself in company of a young blonde, long legs plus an ample bosom and tell them there is no need for an stair-lift cos she is taking you to bed every day.
What do you need to buy Viagra, you plant that tree in your little garden for your personal purpose. The Tena-lady offers should be addressed next door to your neighbour you don’t like very much. Or if you come into the situation of needing them, wash them and hang them on a clothesline in your front garden for drying.
Ask amazon to send you any order with the sticker saying; For the man in you. Swop over from good rock music to playing drums at any time of the day, week or year.
With this little effort you’ll get loved by all the people living in your area. Don’t waste time, start action today cos the next package of spam could be on its way to you.
Lol!!
I like your style Michael!
I play guitar so maybe I should go out and buy a ‘Strat with one of those Spinal Tap amps that go up to volume 11. All the other suggestions are brilliant but somehow i don’t think it will stems the avalanche of junk mail – I should maybe just save it all up and have make a pagan bonfire of it all for Midsummer’s Eve: Get the neighbours to dance around it naked.
Now there’s an image I wish I hadn’t conjured up …..
NB Owl, that blonde I’ve just mentioned is the best stair-lift on the market!! Michael
But you can’t buy them online though Michael …. or maybe you can? (Googles)
Gidday Deefo 🙂
What unnerves me a little,is Iv reached the statistical age that males tend to die….Iv never felt more alive ! (Well..cept for first thing in the morning,what has changed somewhat)…I do laugh at the telly averts about funeral insurance…”To pay for the funeral I want to have” !…WHAT !,I,ll be dead mate ! I wont give a tinker,s curse on how I,m disposed of…..Von Mike,s Idea of a long legged blond sounds good to me…There,s a man who,s got his priorities right !…..
Great blog Mate ! 🙂
Watcha Capp
My ideal send off would be to be recycled into cardboard paste and then turned into leaflets advertising funeral insurance. There’s a nice symmetry about the idea don’t you think?
Hahahaha…. I like it Deef….I asked my rellys to mix my ashes with some sand and cement and make me onto a garden gnome….Didnt go down too well…could be too much bovver I suspect. 🙂
Bet it would be one of those cheeky gnomes showing their bum…..lol…….
hahahaha…Yeah Star…,specially when they find out I spent all their inheritance money.
Hello Owl – I must say that you have surpassed yourself with this missive. It is current and certainly
expresses with some clarity and honesty
some of the problems that are experienced by modern men of a certain age.
But do not despair (and I speak from personal knowledge) you may look forward to receiving similar
mailings and offers for at least the next 25 years and quite possibly beyond that too.
To be serious however, the blog is beautifully written and will I am sure give much pleasure to our many Chatters.
Best wishes
Drummer
Hi Drummer.
25 years – you reckon? I love your optimism 🙂
Nice to share my angst with fellow sufferers and I thank you for your comments.
As ever, you are a true gent 🙂
Hi Owl, honestly, I’m getting more and more annoyed fishing all those ads out of my letter box and take them to the sump for recycling.The truth is all those ads guarantee jobs for people but the input in energy and natural resources doesn’t make sense to me.
And on top of that your example concerning the Tena-lady shows, the sender has made no concept of what whom to mail? Good to see for me to be out of the business.
Regards Michael
Owl, I like your way with words, and you certainly bcome aware of time as you have a birthday. I will have one this month and I think I am over celebrating it. Oh I will mark the day, but feel some joy is still lacking. One little, little problem, “Men get Viagra” and women get Tena-Lady offer. I was hoping they were shipping truckloads of adverts for Estrogen, viagra, or Testosterone for women. So ditch the young blond, probably just a fantasy and you may be amazed at a silver fox. Old or not, I hope we men and women are still able to lead a grand life together. I am. Women are not be treated fairly and it is not helping the men any and they are left to pine for a buxom young blond. You write very well, Owl and thank you.
Here here Rose………men take note………Many a good tune played on a old fiddle………..well perhaps not old, just seasoned with nice curves, smooth finish that your hands glide over effortlessly …….just need a decent bow (Beau ) to pluck our strings, then we can make beautiful music all night long……with the help of Viagra of course…lol
No argument from me ladies 🙂
Air on a G string is a good tune to start with…he he……
In the US it is AARP..the American Association of Retired People
The day I turned fifty their temporary membership card and registration
packet showed up in the mail. I got one yesterday in my PO box too. Every
month for going on 17 years at least one shows up there every months.
They are persistent if nothing else.
Just a monthly reminded that I am now old.
They do political lobbying for the aged.
They give discounts on car rentals and insurance and such.
It is a nominal fee to join.
I have not.
I already know I am old.
Don’t need their reminders.
Somehow joining would just be playing into their game.
Like…we are old, we must all stick together, and be old as one.
Most of my friends are younger.
I like variety in my life.
I love my own generation.
Not to the exclusion of others though.
Not a joiner by nature. anyway.
We age on the outside.
On the inside?
Aging on the inside is a matter of choice?
I choose not.
to Rose comment;
“Men get Viagra” and women get Tena-Lady offer, the other way round would be worse as I believe??
I’m not sure that Tena Lady would fit a man – not really designed for the equipment 🙂 But I suppose there could be other uses. ……
I have no idea what viagra would do for a woman ……
Answers please on a post card to this address. I’m sorry but we cannot return any pictures.
It must be than a special couple; she takes Viagra and he has prostate problems. Good Lord.
Absolutely love this blog Owl! Since turning 50 I have been getting AARP membership applications…now 14 years later I am still getting them!
No Tena offers yet…could I use yours? hahahah oops got to be careful!
My mind is definitely in it’s 20’s….haven’t changed a bit since after college.
Oh wait there is some gray where there was brown hair and a few wrinkles that just happened to come in…where did they come from? I am using that anti aging cream I bought with a coupon I got in the mail….
Life is good, laughter is great