Musings From A Muse

I haven't been here in a long time.  Much has happened.  I'm divorced, living in a brand new apartment.  It's taken awhile to feel worthy of being in the space I am.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  I have a male friend who is the opposite.  He has a grandiose idea of himself.  Some of the time I admire that, but it is so foreign to me.  He'll say I'm (so and so) and don't you ever forget it when someone says, who do you think you are?  I've never heard him actually say this except in stories he's told me.  To have such a sense of self.  I have no doubt he's said it.  I'm trying to find my sense of self.  I never had much of it, because I was raised with "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"  And I' and think and say, I'm nobody, I'm sorry, I'm worthless.  Incredible being 63 years old I still carry this around.  BUT, I am working on it.  I had those feelings surface big time when I moved into my apartment.  Who do I think I am?  Not feeling deserving and trying to justify my position which was now my life.  Every day when I come and go I have to pinch myself that I'm in the place I longed for.  Not just my home, but being divorced and living alone.  I dreamt of this.  I don't mind living alone at all.  I'm loving it.  Nobody to mess things up.  I love to organize and reorganize.  I've tweaked this place until it runs like a well-oiled machine.  That soothes my soul.  Coming from a lifetime of chaos.  The stress from the divorce took its toll on my body and mind.  I think I'm still in recovery mode.  I've never been under such stress for such a long period of time.  Anxiety, hair falling out, irritability.  I think this is settling finally.  I had a Thanksgiving brunch here for my kids and a few friends.  It was tight but it turned out well.  My first attempt at entertaining.  We were climbing over each other but no one seemed to mind.  It kind of forces folks to mingle.  I don't know what the plans are (if any) for Christmas.  So as 2018 approaches, I want to leave 2016 and 2017 in the dust.  That first page of the first chapter in my new life has been teetering, not quite sure what to write or how to begin.

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Published in Home & Family

Comments

  1. starlette

    Hello Idigdirt, well done you for getting through your last unsettling and upsetting two years……your confidence will strengthen as you continue to make your own decisions and realise your own capabilities…………never forget
    your as good as the next person and a lot better than some…….don’t sell your self short, look what you have just come through and achieved, takes a strong women to do that, and yes you will have become a lot stronger in the process, all the best to you in your new apartment, may you be very happy and content there………now is the time to make many happy memories….

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Thank you starlette. I’ve been experiencing some anxiety which is tough for me to handle. Like I’m coming out of my own skin. I just don’t know what to do with myself much of the time. My attention span is that of a gnat. Hard to read a book and stay focused. I’m still getting counseling which I’m thinking of cutting back on. How many times can you complain about the same things?

      1. starlette

        Hi Idigdirt,……..well as you know the brain rules the body, hence your feeling of tiredness, fatigue and anxiety………when your mind is eventually at rest your physical health will improve……….luckily I have never suffered depression but heard many liken it to a Black hole with no way out, apparently its a chemical imbalance in the brain so medication could be the way to go………..counselling gives you someone to talk to about your feelings………this may help you I don’t know, a friend could serve the same purpose, women tend to counsel each other…………you cannot turn a messed up mind around overnight, takes time, and memories cannot be erased, but they can become manageable………when the mind starts wondering a super human effort is needed to focus on something else more pleasant……..keep on keeping on……..you will get there……xx

  2. roseinbloom

    I am happy for you, idigdirt, and you sound like you have had a long difficult time. You certainly deserve to be happier.
    Women have a tendency to devalue themselves. We need to be excellent at a lot of things. You were “tight” about your holiday. Remember that having fun is what getting together is all about. I have gotten over a lot of perfectionism. I had the grandchildren around during the derby here and I made a batch of mint juleps. I had never made them before and did not know if they would be like, or when r if the young people would pop in or out. They came in out of the rain and we had a great time. At Christmas we have egg noggin and bourbon. They don’t want to see an uptight old lady, they want to relax and have fun.I stock up and make food ahead and whatever happens, happens.
    I wish I had this attitude many years ago. Learn to enjoy yourself and enjoy your people and your space. You don’t have to be great or special, you just need to be kind to people and help them have fun is being kind.
    To me, the kindest person is the best person. Status and money does not usually make kind people.

    1. roseinbloom

      Idigdirt, thank you for sharing your life and addressing a problem that many women have, which is never feeling satisfied with their efforts. Men have the problem also and sometimes they cover it up with an attitude.

      1. idigdirt Post author

        It’s just so frustrating how we can revert back to being children and the tapes are still fresh in our heads. About not being good enough, or in my case undeserving.

    2. Ms. K.

      Roseinbloom, I applaud your new attitude. You deserve a good ((hug)). I’m sure you’re an example of the grandma other kids wished they had!

      1. roseinbloom

        Ms. K. Thank you. I just decided I don’t have to be everybody’s enforcer. I have strong values and I am not much of a drinker and most people know that but every once in a while, it is good to have fun together.

        1. Ms. K.

          Rose, I think we’re very much alike in some respects. I, too, had to decide that I don’t have to be the teacher, or the behavior police all the time! What a relief to let people bear the consequences of their own actions, instead of trying to talk sweet reason to them, lol. Let’s raise our tea cups to having fun!

          1. idigdirt Post author

            I have always said raising my kids that I was the police, judge, jury, jailer, and probation officer. My ex did nothing when it came to discipline. It was exhausting. It’s so nice when they get to the age you can let that go and let them take their lumps. You’ve taught them all you can.

    3. idigdirt Post author

      You are so true about the status and money does not make people kind. Just the opposite I’ve found much of the time. I’ll take a blue collar, down to earth type any day of the week.

  3. vonMichael

    Hello Idigdirt,

    to keep some musings in good times is like a stockpile for potatoes in the
    cellars! To stockpile memories and unfilled wishes you can dream on or to
    think of during day/night are your own defence against bad / sad times. Michael

  4. Suzan1957

    Girl, you need to erase that tape that is playing over and over in your head that you are nobody, that you are sorry, that you are worthless, that you don’t deserve what you have now. Look at you, look at what you have accomplished. You are a strong woman, and you fought a battle, a long hard battle and you won. You won because you are now where you have always longed to be. Hold your head up and be proud of who you are. You are SOMEBODY and that somebody is someone to be proud of. Just saying.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Gosh, how to erase that tape? I’m working on it. Somedays I’m ok. But I’ve been fighting low grade depression as I feel I’m tap dancing not knowing which way to turn now. My energy is so low which doesn’t help.

      1. roseinbloom

        How to erase that tape? First you know your real self and you only know other people’s public self or what they want you to see, so realize that most people are not what they seem. That may help.

        1. idigdirt Post author

          That’s interesting….most people are not what they seem. I suppose that’s very true. I take people at face value and many times that can be disappointing down the road.

          1. roseinbloom

            We can still take them at face value, but we need to know that we only know the surface. I get duped stillI do think we judge others according to who we are and if we are open and honest we cannot relate to how deceptive some people are.

  5. DJ-Gav

    It takes a little time for us to realise one very powerful truth and that is we are the most powerful person in our lives. It is only us that controls what sort of day we are going to have. It is only us that can control how happy we are with ourselves and how content we are within ourselves.

    Other people and events will try to dictate what happens in our lives, what we do, where we go and our level of personal esteem, but it is us as an individual that has the final say in the matter.

    All we need to learn to do is say “NO, that is not what I am, it’s not what I want”

    Develop PMA…(Positive Mental Attitude). Develop the frame of mind that says..”I am who I am, I am what I am, I am as good as some and better than others, I like who I am and that is really all that matters”.

    If you can’t accept that then find the door.

  6. davidrv

    Hi idigdirt. I was also lost after divorce, back in 2001. My problem was/is that I worry about my family before myself. It was awkward to be selfish, as I call it. These days I say that I have to be first on the list, so that I can help anyone else; how can I help if I need help myself.
    My turning point was a weekend Reiki course back in November 2001. The husband and wife team was excellent. They had some spiritual experience as well. By that time I was not sure where I was heading. I could function normally day to day, but nothing long term. It was as though I was stranded on a single piece of drifting ice on the ocean, with nothing on the horizon. I had nothing to focus on.
    In my case it was my late father that I was missing. After mom’s divorce (1970) I didn’t want to hurt her by talking about him; she would always get mad. That Sunday, what a surprise and relief when mom sent me an email with a picture of dad and myself when I was about 1 year old at the time. Suddenly a big burden just left me. I did talk about him and she didn’t get upset anymore.
    At the course, they had said that if you resolve an issue, it resolves it for the rest of your descendants. So I made it clear to both my daughters that I had no animosity towards their mother and that it’s ok if we meet at gatherings, after all we have 5 grandchildren now.
    Just thought I’d share this.

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Thank you for sharing this David. I love to hear how others have journeyed through difficulties, what they did, what was the outcome. I just never know when I’ll have a lightbulb moment. Perhaps something I never thought of before. A new way to do or think about something. I also am very bad at assuming how another is thinking or feeling. It’s usually wrong. I will get all worked up about something and realize I was off the mark.

      1. Tommy H

        Dear idigdirt, You are an amazing lady so keep pushing yourself forward you will find your inner strength. People who meet you and get to know you will love you and support you.
        I have always said proper men Ensure the ladies who lets them into their life are told regularly : they are beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, strong, kind and loving. I cannot thank my wife enough for giving me three wonderful children (Been with her now 44 years now ). Much lov for the future babe.xx