I haven't been here in a long time. Much has happened. I'm divorced, living in a brand new apartment. It's taken awhile to feel worthy of being in the space I am. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I have a male friend who is the opposite. He has a grandiose idea of himself. Some of the time I admire that, but it is so foreign to me. He'll say I'm (so and so) and don't you ever forget it when someone says, who do you think you are? I've never heard him actually say this except in stories he's told me. To have such a sense of self. I have no doubt he's said it. I'm trying to find my sense of self. I never had much of it, because I was raised with "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" And I' and think and say, I'm nobody, I'm sorry, I'm worthless. Incredible being 63 years old I still carry this around. BUT, I am working on it. I had those feelings surface big time when I moved into my apartment. Who do I think I am? Not feeling deserving and trying to justify my position which was now my life. Every day when I come and go I have to pinch myself that I'm in the place I longed for. Not just my home, but being divorced and living alone. I dreamt of this. I don't mind living alone at all. I'm loving it. Nobody to mess things up. I love to organize and reorganize. I've tweaked this place until it runs like a well-oiled machine. That soothes my soul. Coming from a lifetime of chaos. The stress from the divorce took its toll on my body and mind. I think I'm still in recovery mode. I've never been under such stress for such a long period of time. Anxiety, hair falling out, irritability. I think this is settling finally. I had a Thanksgiving brunch here for my kids and a few friends. It was tight but it turned out well. My first attempt at entertaining. We were climbing over each other but no one seemed to mind. It kind of forces folks to mingle. I don't know what the plans are (if any) for Christmas. So as 2018 approaches, I want to leave 2016 and 2017 in the dust. That first page of the first chapter in my new life has been teetering, not quite sure what to write or how to begin.
Musings From A Muse was last modified: December 8th, 2017 byPublished in