Moving to a new chapter in life
I am so sorry that I have not been on in sometime.. I have been facing the reality of my illness and trying everything I can so I am not left penniless. I am praying that Social security and my retirement system will approve my disability and give me money until I reach the age of 66. It has been scary and I am thankful that my husband states that he will support me even if I bring in no money. The problem that I have is, it is his rules or the highway. I have gotten my pastor involved so maybe my hubby can understand what I am asking for. Due to his injury he can no longer be intimate with me. I explained to him that it was okay but I still needed to be hugged and touched without it leading to SEX. He told me that he is NOT a cuddler. So now I am between a rock and a hard place. I love that man and LIKE him but I am not sure that I can go for the rest of my life without being touched. He doesn’t even like to hold my hand. What would you do? I will NOT go against my vows so it is stay, his way……. or leave and lose my best friend. I have two dogs so I could get my cuddles that way but watching every TV show or movie, people touch…… and I find myself getting so jealous and so SAD. Why can’t he see what he is doing to me? Every night I cry. I am now sleeping in my guest room so he can sleep better. I know I snore and I have a CPAP machine but it is not enough for him, the sounds are distracting to him and he can not get a good nights sleep. I am serious I like this man and Have been married to him for 25 years but it has been 10 years since the touching has stopped and it is becoming to hard for me to continue this way.
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Hi Bubby, well since you have no intention of leaving, and he has no intention of changing it looks like its stalemate….really not sure what you expect your pastor to do……..i don’t advocate adultery, but if it were me I would look outside of your marriage if its getting to you that much…….may meet someone in a similar situation, if it leads to more then your husband is to blame…..its nice to have your hubby as your best friend, but I think we expect our partners/husbands to be a bit more tactile…….even friends give pecks on the cheeks and hugs…..
Starlette, you are so right. I have read so many of these comments and have seen that we are all on the same page. I don’t know if that is a female thing or what. I have made all the compromises and if he isn’t willing to compromise on this issue than I have no choice but to leave. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone but I will be living with my grandkids for a little while so I’ll be getting lots of hugs and kisses there. I am looking at 55+ senior communities so I can have a wide range of friends. Thanks you so much for sharing your thoughts I really did appreciate it.
i Honestly think you are making the right choice, you are still relatively young and why you think you will spend the rest of your life alone I haven’t a clue, unless its your choice, their are many people disabled or not looking for companionship…………just have to mention something else, now this just maybe me, I was just a bit baffled when you said your husband said he would be prepared to support you, now to me that’s a no brainer, that’s what husbands do, and vice versa when one is no longer able to earn……….you go girl, you have nothing to lose and maybe a whole shed load to gain…….you know in your heart you have pulled out all the stops and tried……….don’t ever look back in regret, look forward and enjoy what is to come, can be no worse than what you are leaving behind………Much love to you Bubby….xx
What Starlette said, Bubby.
I agree, it soundslike all the terms are his. Remember Shirley Valentine. Good luck Bubby
Thanks I think she was right too.
Bubby, you may have already lost your best friend. Sounds as if his accident has not only caused some physical limits but has caused him to completely cut off any signs of affection for you. Friends hold hands, friends kiss, and friends hug. If you are craving the physical contact part of your relationship and are not getting it and he isn’t going to change and you are not going to leave, then you have only one choice – accept it. Perhaps he could do other things that could show you that he loves and cares for you like a husband should. Flowers, cook a meal, something that is not the norm for him to do. If he use to do all the touchy, feely things with you prior to his accident, but since then has been different, then I would think it is all related. Sometimes life doesn’t happen like we plan, but going outside your marriage is not the answer. As far as supporting you, well he should be supporting you, whether you are working or not. He is your husband after all. I think there is much more going on and is much more complicated than can be explained or discussed here. Sending you virtual hugs.
Thanks Suzan I think you’re correct in many ways. I have compromised my whole marriage and after talking with my pastor my vows with my husband are serious but if he can’t compromise and still wants to live isolated than I have a choice to make. Life is too short to be unhappy so he doesn’t love me enough to make some changes than I will leave.
bubby, I have a lot of sympathy for you, I really do. You say your husband does not understand you but do you understand him. I think you need to talk to someone about that, your husband lost his potency as I understand this. This is a life shattering event for a man. Also, your husband very likely did not lose his desire for sex, so getting near you and feeling helpless may cause him to choose to back away and also he may choose not to frustrate himself more than he already is.
So, try to understand your husband and realize he may be coping the best way he knows. He said he will support you so he must love you.
Rose, I just met with my pastor and he said pretty much the same thing that you did. I keep thinking that it was me, but it really is something that my husband has to deal with. I am sad that if that was the problem that he didn’t communicate that to me, instead of backing away. i don’t doubt his love but it is deciding that knowing it and never feeling it is the way I can go. If he can’t compromise with me somehow then I have decided that he doesn’t love me enough and I will leave. Thanks Rose for sharing it meant the world to hear from you.
Bubby,
My husband lost his ability to have relations when he had his first heartattack. Unlike yours he still showed me affection but I do know how hard it was for him to talk to me about what was happening to him and to us. Men are expected to be strong. Their whole manhood is based on their ability to perform when it is taken away they feel like they are failures and lesser men then what they use to be. Your husband might be feeling this way and maybe ashamed because he cannot perform.
Bubby. I am glad you took my comment so well. Just to speak as your husband could say the same thing. You may be asking for more than your husband can give, just realize that. I spoke out because men don’t talk about their sex drive with women or all their frustration when it is gone. You have had a long marriage with children and grandchildren and as you said you get a lot of hugs from them. You may lose a lot more than you gain unless you can accept and adapt. You may need to develop interests outside the home to eel more fulfilled. I am not one for duplicity, but working in social groups may give you chances to feel more like a woman and more appreciated as such.
I love that you are the voice of reason and allow me to see things from a different perspective. The one problem that I have is I can no longer drive so i am forced to do what he wants and when he wants to do it. So it is either do a clean break or live isolated and away from all things touchable. that sounds rough but that was what I went through from April until September………
Hi Bubby I agree with Roseinbloom – this is a life shattering event for a man and men don’t like to talk about this. Perhaps some counselling for the both of you would help, but your husband has to be willing to talk about it, otherwise it would be useless. I think you need to hear how he is feeling about the whole situation before you make any drastic changes to your life. I have been divorced for 16 years and during this time I have had several surgeries and the thing I miss most is a reassuring hug from a loving spouse (not that I got that when married) – there is your family and friends, but it is not the same, so I know where you are coming from. It’s the intimacy we miss, and that doesn’t mean sex, but that special closeness two people have between them. I thought I had that, but people can be so devious and cunning. Good luck with whatever you decide. Take care 🙂