LADIES GOTTA READ THIS!

Like everything in life, flatulence has a time and a place. However, I never realised that in the wrong time and the wrong place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the mam of your dreams. And if it make his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling his plans ( that’s ”Silent but deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. that’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non air- conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be ” that girl” so I ate, drank and was oh, so merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad I felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realised….

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

HOW DO YOU TELL A MAN YOU JUST STARTED DATING, THAT THE REASON YOU ARE WRITHING IN PAIN IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FART?

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

”Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

”Wow, it’s that bad? what’s wrong? do I need to take you to the hospital?”

How do you tell a man that you just started dating that the reason that you are writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it’s way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a ” am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a ” is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. ” Roll down the windows!” I screamed ( yes I literally screamed it was like I was in a horror movie).

” What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

” I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

” What’s going on?” Rob yells back at me, ” Why are you….” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids,” Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

” Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the windows.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, Just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows, we both gulped fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then I remembered I just farted on the man of my dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up at my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, ”Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through the door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

The I hear it. Rob’s voice. Right, Outside, My, Bathroom Door.

”Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

” Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from the Exorcist.

”Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

”I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

”Okay, are you sure you’re…”

”I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But to my surprise, I did. A couple of days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this…” it was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

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Responses

  1. lol, Tania this is an experience to remember, but it reminds me that that love conquers all things-nothing could get in the way Rob loved you, thank you so much for sharing, xxx

  2. OMG, I’m still cackling like a mad hen!!!! reminds me that I once nearly asphyxiated my two sons on a LONG trip after a night of garlic…I don’t get on too well with garlic…. it was winter – raining – and the windows not only fogged up, but we got wet if we opened them…as I said, it was a LONG trip….sad thing was it lasted for days – and I had to sleep with me… not good!!! Thanks for posting Tania – so funny and so damned well written… xxxxxxx

    1. I know Lina…it reminds me off when I was at a football dinner once and I could not get out of my seat to go to the ladies…how embarrassing lol xxx

  3. ROFL and tears run down my cheeks and also wet my ********.. Oh soooooooo funny. Wonder if its really happend in real life, EMBARASSING with capital letters. Can’t stop laughing. Cheers.

  4. So funny ann and I know what those pains feel like – you had me going – I thought it was the true start of your life together with your husband. Another great blog xo