Kindness

I've always tried to be kind.  I've not always been successful.  I taught my children to be kind.  They've not always been successful.  Put yourself if another's shoes I'd say.  Don't judge.  You never know what someone is going through, has been through.  Give the benefit of the doubt.

Starting out with this divorce we were amicable.  We've been amicable until the last few weeks.  What should have taken three months is now at seven months and will be final at nine months.  I have developed a strong dislike for attorney's.  I am fantasizing about getting his attorney in a dark alley.  He has created so many issues that are non issues.  I guess this is what lawyers do.  Line their pockets with our pain.  I have never wanted to be unkind to someone like I do to this bottom dweller.  I can find not one redeemable trait in the man.  I will meet him Tuesday when he takes my deposition that I have been fighting.  It's about financial disclosure which I submitted 6 months ago.  I have no idea how I'm going to get through this and not kick him where the sun don't shine.  My attorney has done one deposition in a divorce case in his entire career.

I am so angry, frustrated, ticked off....how do I remain kind?  Well, it's at 9:00 in the morning...just so happens that's the best time I have my game on.  I will walk in and be the better person.  I've had such an attitude this week I was concerned I wouldn't be able to do it as I'm a terrible actress.

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Published in Home & Family

Comments

    1. idigdirt Post author

      Thank you my friend….I was typing this last night and got a phone call. I didn’t finish this and wasn’t sure I was even going to publish it….and this morning here it is. Not sure what happened but it doesn’t surprise me too much as my mind has taken a leave of absence.

  1. starlette

    Hello idigdirt, never had any cause to deal with Lawyers as such, but I do know they will create issues where there are none, every letter and phone call costs, all adds very nicely to their income……….it would be a shame if you let this man spoil the amicable relationship you had with your soon to be ex………..deep breaths onwards and upwards….soon be final………

    1. idigdirt Post author

      My ex has gone along with all his lawyer’s shenanigans. He’s the most passive aggressive person on the planet and his attorney saw him coming a mile away and has taken advantage big time. Ex has never stepped up, he doesn’t have the capacity.

  2. roseinbloom

    idigdirt, First you have to put the blame where it belongs, your husband. I don’t know where you are getting your divorce, but some systems are very corrupt. Your lawyer does not seem to be doing his job. I know a lot about this and you can PM me. You need to get your anger under control and directed at your husband and do not get mad, get even. Focus on getting justice for yourself
    Here in Kentucky, we have to go to arbitration and know what your share is, because that is probably what you are going to get, so think of what you have to sacrifice and what you really want to keep. You have to seek justice and know what it is.
    I have worked in family court and I have been divorced 3 times. One husband was reasonable and fair, the first one actually thought he could prevent a divore and he had broken every vow, the, the first and last got the best and most crooked lawyer they could find. I had to fire my last attorney and do the case myself. Some lawyers “ride the coattails” of the other attorney and sit back and collect a fee without doing the work. My attorney did not even show up and told me that I did not need to show up eeither. Your attorney needs to be doing discovery just like the other attorney is.
    I hope this helps. A divorce is a chess match or outright war, and calmness and intelligence and respect for the rules will win the day. Being kind does nt mean being suckered or run over.

  3. idigdirt Post author

    Thank you for your comments Rose…I so appreciate it. His lawyer is going to grill me on why I can’t go out and get a job and support myself. Number 1, I am retired. I’m 62 and have been out of the corporate workforce (secretarial) for 30 years. With technology I’d have to go back to school, not happening at this age. I substitute taught while my kids went through school and stopped when my son graduated 6 years ago. The past three years I have battled deep depression that ultimately ended up with me being hospitalized. My husband never acknowledged it. He’s been emotionally abusive but would deny it of course. Since I was released I’ve been fighting for my sanity….and the last step was to get out of this marriage. I talked with my wonderful therapist this morning and she is going to write a letter on my struggles…which may or may not be admissible. After this there’s mediation in April and court date May 3. It’s become a 3 ring circus. I so appreciate you reaching out with knowledge of this particular subject. I’m in Michigan…no fault. This all comes down to spousal support.

    1. Drummer

      The advice from Roseinbloom is very sound – I couldn’t have put it better -Have sharp words with your Lawyer and make sure he is acting professionally on your behalf – after all, he is your mouthpiece.
      Best wishes Drummer

    2. roseinbloom

      Idigdirt. Michigan is a no fault divorce but it is not a no fault for property issues, though some courts may disregard the rules for equitable property settlement. Depression is a serious mental illness and you have been hospitalized. It has too be considered like all other mental illness according to the law, but people can recover but it is hard to fight a mental illness while your life is turned upside down on you. The legal system is totally unfair to women in your situation.
      Usually, they give a woman in your situation a maximum of five years maintenance and that is usually the limit. Since you are an educated woman, you need to learn as much as you can about divorces in Michigan. I was a certified paralegal, so it was possible for me to fire my lawyer and handle my own case. You may need to resign yourself to the facts of divorce which won’t be fair and may be grossly unfair. In spite of everything, you may make a whole wonderful life for yourself and you need to focus on that. If the husband is bad then getting away from him will solve a lot of problems. If he has a pension or any other assets you are entitled to a fair share and it will probably be 50/50. Income is a marital asset and it does not matter who earned it. Your state does give the judge a lot of leeway and it helps if you appear in need of help. The judge won’t be sympathetic if you appear as another angry wife who is wasting court time.
      In terms of kindness, we can always try to put ourselves in the other guys shoes. Your husband has his side and it may be totally wrong but he is also in a divorce and probably terrified of the outcome. It is a far stretch to retch up any sympathy when we see ourselves as a victim. My philosophy of life is that we are all humans and deserve understanding and sympathy, but when someone is treating me unfairly, I am too busy with a defense to feel any kindness. Good luck and if you need understanding at any time, please send me a private message.The good thing about this chat site is that usually there are people going through or the
      same thing you are. Good luck.

  4. Maree

    Hi There,

    Your american laws are way beyond me. In NZ its pretty clear cut 50/50 split unless you are super rich and you get a very aggressive lawyer who wants to play games .I think they all play games that way they maximise what they get paid.

    Shame your husband didn’t stay amiable . However …I am hoping the weight of your evidence will be enough to swing things in your favour.

    Stay KIND to yourself through all this hassle …either way you will cope.You are a lot stronger than what you think.

  5. roseinbloom

    Maree, we have 50 states and the law is similar but varies a lot. There is money and influence in most systems. I have seen grossly illegal outcomes. Usually in the United States, things are 50/50 as long as both parties are in reasonable health and both parties can survive if there is enough money for both.We have 8 states that are strictly 50/50, add it up and divide by 2, but what gets found to put in the assets pile may require a good lawyer to find.

  6. Drummer

    Hello Idigdirt , my feeling for what you are going through is very real, but as Maree has already told you, our New Zealand laws seem to be very different to your own.

    Roseinbloom has set out very clearly what your own situation is likely to be, so all I can add is that you be calm and positive and seek that which is yours usually a 50% share of property and assets plus any cash settlement.

    Know too that there are many Chatters who are feeling for you and hoping for a reasonable and fair conclusion.
    Best wishes always Drummer

    1. Thewitch

      I don’t know anything about the us divorce laws, I feel for you. Will you get your own pension sometime or are you dependent on him? I worked for many years in the citizens advice burea and know that knowledge is power, they try to keep knowledge away from the many so the few can make money on your behalf, is there any such thing in the Us where you can research and educate yourself so you don’t need lawyers? P.s judges are very lenient towards people representing themselves, as long as you have the law right protocol get shunted aside. Good luck, keep in touch, I am the witch.

  7. CSweet51

    I was fortunate that my ex and I didn’t even use lawyers. We did agree on one thing and that was to keep as much of our money out of their hands.
    Stay positive IDIG, I worry about you. You will survive this. Stay with the positive people In your life. as you said, be the better person thru all of this. just keep repeating to yourself “they are not worth the jail time….they are not worth the jail time……”
    Blessings to you YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!

    1. Maree

      Sweet my ex husband and I did the same …never used lawyers … even split from sale of house ….when the 2 years were up he applied for the divorce i signed the papers no nastiness

  8. idigdirt Post author

    Thank you sweet. I go tomorrow morning at 9:00 am. I think I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be. The challenge will be to stay poised. I certainly will post a follow up.