The Silence Before Christmas

Many people on this site will have experienced what I am about to describe. Yet more will be on this site and about to experience their first Christmas without a loved one. Now, a loved one could describe quite a few family members, but this blog is just going to concentrate on one – the loss of a wife/husband/lifelong partner.

I lost my wife – Janet – just under three years ago. So this will be the third Christmas for me without her. As it happens, I will not be alone this Christmas, just as I have not been alone in previous Christmases. This is because my adult children still live at home with me. If that seems strange, it is not. It is simply because none of them has yet settled with a partner of their own and because none of them can afford to move out of my home currently. A sign of the times sadly.

Despite having my children at home with me, I can still remember the previous Christmases we went through without the presence of Janet. I recall the first Christmas in particular. That year, as those who have been through this will know, is a year of firsts.

The first wedding anniversary since loss, the first spousal birthday since loss, the first kids birthday since loss etc

Now, I was facing the first Christmas without Janet. This was probably the hardest one of all as, by it’s nature, Christmas means time off work and lots of time to reflect and mull over the loss. How even simple things like opening presents will be so different. In my case, I tried to keep Christmas as normal as possible. For the kids’ sake as much as mine. So I changed nothing. The kids opened their presents in front of me in exactly the same way as they had in previous when Janet had been around. Only it wasn’t the same. The first thing that brought a tinge of sadness to their eyes was looking at the tags on their presents as they no longer said ‘Love From Mum & Dad’. Now they just said ‘Love From Dad’. It’s not something I had thought about until I saw that sad look in their eyes.

We then had our traditional Christmas morning fry-up that I had always prepared since the kids were young. That one time of the year when we all scoff an enormous, but completely unhealthy, breakfast with everything included – bacon, eggs, sausages, hash browns, mushrooms, beans, toast, black pudding. It was all there. Strangely, breakfast felt quite normal. This is because Janet was a care worker so she was always in work on Christmas morning. Yes, the kids would ensure they opened all their presents before she went to work so that she could see their joy on their faces. But she never actually experienced the Christmas morning fry-up because she was never there for it. Indeed, for many years she hadn’t even realised that it was something I did for the kids on Christmas Morning.

Then of course, it was time to prepare the Christmas dinner. Fortunately for me, my younger daughter enjoys cooking so Christmas dinner was prepared by me, but cooked by her (with my help/hindrance). When the kids were younger, I would have done the entire Christmas dinner on my own so that when Janet came home from work later in the day, all she had to do was sit down to eat Christmas dinner with the rest of us.

That Christmas (and ever since), we placed a picture of Janet on the table in front of the chair she always occupied, raised a glass of Cava in a toast to her, and ate our food. The atmosphere was slightly dimmed by the fact it was out first Christmas without Janet, but it otherwise went without fuss.

On clearing the table and filling the dishwasher, it was time for us all to go sit down and attempt to digest all we had eaten in the familiar ‘food coma’.

So that was my (abridged) experience of my first Christmas without Janet. I am sure you all have your own experiences to relate which may, or may not, be similar to my own.

Now I know I am fortunate in that I did not have to experience Christmas on my own. I had my adult children around me. But many bereaved spouses have not been so lucky, or will not be so lucky this Christmas. They will be all on their own with nothing but their own thoughts and memories. For them, the silence will be deafening. I know this because even with my kids around me, that first Christmas still had many moments when I was all alone with my thoughts and memories. Those ‘alone’ moments are the hardest of all because you have more than enough time to mull things over. What you did with your life, what you have just been through, what does the future hold etc.

But for some people suffering loss, the greatest gift they could get this Christmas is just to hear another human voice. Whether in person or via the phone. Yes, it could be awkward. Yes, you may not know what to say. But trust me when I say that the recipient will not care about any of that. They will simply be glad to hear and speak to another human voice or person. 

Remember that.

Merry Christmas everyone !!