YOUR GROANERS FOR THE WEEK!

THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE THESE AWFUL JOKES WITH YOU? WHY SHOULD I SUFFER ALONE? HAHAAA!
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Finding her prized parrot motionless in its cage, a woman rushes it to a vet.

After carefully examing the bird the vet tells her, “I’m sorry madam, he’s dead.”

“I don’t believe it” she replies “he’s only four years old. I want a second opinion.

The vet agrees and tells his nurse. She goes out and comes back with a labrador.

The dog looks in the cage, sniffs the parrot and rolls it around with his paw. Then he turns rouns and walks out. “That confirms it,” says the vet. “Your parrot is definitely dead.” “No, No ” Cries the woman. “I want another opinion.”

So the nurse goes out and comes back with a big tomcat. It goes through the same motions as the dog, then walks out.

“Thats 100 per cent proof” says the vet. “That’ll be £2000 please.”

“Two Grand just to tell me my pet is dead?” Shouts the woman. “How come.”

“Well” says the vet. “First threre’s my fee. Then the lab report and the cat scan…”

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A MAN CROSSED A CHICKEN WITH A WAITRESS , AND GOT A CHICKEN WHO LAYS TABLES

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AN INVENTOR CROSSED A CHICKEN WITH A BANJO, AND GOT A HEN THAT PLUCKS HERSELF

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HOW DO YOU STOP A DOG BARKING IN YOUR BACK GARDEN………?

PUT IT IN YOUR FRONT GARDEN

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLAR BEAR IN THE JUNGLE……….

LOST

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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm:
“Do you have any fishcakes?” he asks
“Yes” comes the reply.

“Thank goodness,” says the man “It’s his birthday today.”

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An athiest was sailing on Loch Ness when all of a sudden his boat was tipped over by the Loch Ness moster, he screamed out “Oh God!!” and suddenly God appeared in the clouds, time froze and God said “I though you didn’t believe in me”

The Athiest said “Prove to me you are God!”

God said ” okay then ask anything you want and I’ll do it!”

the athiest said “okay, make the monster holy!”

God said “Okay it is done”

Time de froze and the man was swimming in the water when the monster picked him up and the man thought “phew I have been saved!” but then the monster put his claws together and said “for what I am about to recieve may the Lord make me truly thankful” and the man was eaten.

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Why do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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What do you call a cat who has been run over by a steamroller and before that ate a pillow?
A duck filled flatty puss

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A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died & went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
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“I was at a friends house, watching her three year old son playing with his toy dinosaurs”
“Tom can name every single one of his dinosaurs,” his mother announced proudly.

Picking up the Tyrannosaurus rex, I asked “what is this ones name?”
“Sarah” Tom replied confidently
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A mother, dropping her tearful 5 year-old daughter off at school, asked the teacher to keep an eye on her. “Our black cat has just died” she explained.
The little girl eventually started to talk confidentially to the teacher.
“Our cat died last night, Miss” she said. “He’s gone to be with Jesus!”
“That’s a shame” said the teacher. “What was his name?”
The little girl answered with a sob – “Satan”

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

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A man walks into a pet shop and asks, can I buy a wasp? the shop keeper says sorry we don’t sell wasps. the man says yes you do there’s one in the window.?…..
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A crocodile walks into a pub and the barman asks – why the long face
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?
hailing taxis

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A White Horse walks into a bar and asks the landlord for a Scotch. The landlord says “Hey, did you know we have a Scotch named after you” and the horse replied “What? Eric?”.

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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Why do all the animals leave the jungle at 6 o’clock?

That’s when the elephants jump down out of the cherry trees.

Why do King Cobras have flat heads?

They didn’t get out of the jungle at 6 o’clock.

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Two nuns were driving through Transalvania and a wererwolf came up to the car

One said “Show him your cross, show him your cross ”

The other one replied

MOVE OUT OF THE WAY YOU BLITHERING IDIOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they
won’t bother you for weeks.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course…..at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
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Mr Noah and Mrs Noah were seen swimming away from the ark – and their sons and their wives were swimming as well and Mrs Noah said
I told you not to take the woodworm but you would not listen

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A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
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I said to the waiter – The chikcen I have is cold – – The waiter replied – I should think so its been dead for two weeks – Not only that I said – its got one leg shorter than the other – He said – what do you want to do with it, eat it or dance with it

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A woman called to make reservations.

“I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.”

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

“That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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A burglar went into the house and was fulling his sawg bag and behind him he hears a volice

Jesus is watching you

He turns round and sees a parraot – He says to theparrot – Who are you and what is your name

the parrot replies – Marmaduke

the burglar says – that is a funny name for a parrot

The parrot replies

Aye but not half as strange as Jesus for the Rotweller

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What do you get if you walk under a cow?
A pat on the head

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There was a man who took his dog to a John Wimber meeting and after the meeting was showing his friends all the usual party tricks that a dog could do – sit, beg, stay, etc
When the owners said to the dog – Heel
The dog put his paw on the mans forhead and prayed silently

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Just think
a racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time

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What has four legs and can fly? Two Birds
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Why can’t ducks fly upside down? Because They Would Quack up!
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Which bird can lift the heaviest weight? The Crane
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How many birds can you put in an empty cage? One-after that it is not empty!

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My dog has no nose
How does he smell ?
Terrible

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What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
– He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath

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What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
– There was some money in the kitty.

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
– Shredded tweet

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What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play?
– Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.
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What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do?
– Light mouse work

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Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
– Because she wanted to mail the litter

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Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
– To a mewseum (!!!!)

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What kind of cars do cats drive?
– Catillacs

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What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?
– Disney Spells

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Where did the first cats live?
– Purr-sia and Paw-tugal

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What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
– A peeping Tom

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Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan?
– He had two brothers in the racket.

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I call my pet amphibian “Tiny” because he’s “my newt

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Did you hear about the Irish Greyhound that was chewing a bone
When it stood up it only had three legs

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How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for ages

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*Ten Things A Cat Thinks About*

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have alterior motives?

5. Hmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!

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There was a turkey that went to the library and went up to the librarian and said
“Book Book Book ”

The following week the same thing happened and the week after that the same thing happened until the occurance had taken place about six times

The librarian thought – I am going to follow that turkey and see what happens

The librarian follows the turkey and the turkey goes to the lake and on the lake is a lily and on the lily is a frog

The turkey says to the frog – “Book Book Book”

and the frog replies :

“Read it, Read it, Read it!” 🙂 🙂

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