why am i like this

i am not big on words but 1would like to put my feelings forward. i am now on my own after 44 year wed 2 year courting ( yes we used to do that ) totaling 46 and i find that i feel i am playing a waiting game, i do not go out other than for shopping and life is so lonely i am not a mixer so please that i not an answer. its the little things i miss most much now i miss the cuddles,touches, reply s at you get from a partner i get to thinking that there is something wrong with me i ask myself why me what have i done. you would think that being wed so long i would have my sues brothers & sisters calling on me not so since i lost my sue ( my life) i dont get them calling on me which confirms what i said to her when we were as i i do not matter its you and i would get mad that they ( the family ) would drive by our house and not call in to see her i would be in the front garden and see them go by and i would come in and tell her we did not have any family so we did not have any sons or daughters and i think that is what hurt most now as i say i am on my own i pine contact vertual reality is ok but like i say its the contact this issing and i beleave that is a big issue for me to cope with and i am struggling with it................. what do you think ????

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Published in Senior Chatters

Comments

  1. goldengirl1224

    A very sad account of your life at this time, Kapla – and It sound ‘trite’ to say it, but it will take time – perhaps a long time – to adjust to this major change in your life – especially as you say – you are not a mixer. If you don’t mix – other than to shop, etc. then you have limited opportunity to make friendships. Why don’t you explore the possibilities of volunteering – that would give you an opportunity to mix with new people and also contribute something to your community. If you are an animal lover – how about getting a dog — you are never without people to chat with when you are out walking your dog! — and they are very good company too – but also a responsibility. Sounds like you need something to love and cherish — that might be it! Its not easy – but you have to take the steps towards finding friendships to alleviate your present situation. You must be a nice, and loving person to have had such a close, loving relationship with your wife – and she would probably want to see you making friends and finding a new path in life.

    I hope you reach out and find a way to take those first steps.
    Wishing you all the best.

    1. Marzipan44

      Hi Goldengirl

      That was nice! Agree Kapla needs to socialise more, but it’s not so easy when you’re suddenly on your own and I find we ladies are more at ease in going out and doing something about it. I should say ‘in general’ before I’m accused of being sexist and we’re all different. Anyway, the more encouragement and support he gets the better and will lift his spirits and spur him on .

      Volunteering is an excellent way to start. It’s never a one way street: you meet a lot of nice people with no pressure,have the satisfaction of doing something worthwhile, make friends and have fun. Also, U3A offers a lot of interesting groups and the local library has a list of societies, special interest groups and ‘What’s On’ type publications. We just need to help him find the courage to take the first step.

  2. starlette

    Have you tried bereavement counselling Kapla ??………..the family situation, well lots would relate to that, even with their own offspring’s some do not see or have contact with for months at a time, unless they want a favour, sad but true……don’t know if you have a local age concern or a community centre, or even pop in a café when out shopping, your face will become known, lots of people do this who are on their own, a bit of company and chit chat breaks the day up……….evenings are the worst, but at least if you have broken the day up you could try and get engrossed in a good film or book in the evening, well to get the human contact you have to make a superhuman effort to put yourself out there….many places have luncheon clubs where you can get a cheap meal and maybe play bingo cards or something, most there would be on their own so you wouldn’t feel out of place, just browse your local paper for events that you maybe interested in……..or pop in the Library and read the newspaper ……sure you will find lots in the same position as you……

  3. Judeee

    I feel for you Kapla, I am struggling with my 90 year old mother, who is grieving something terrible for my Dad, at the moment she is very very angry with him for leaving her to deal with all the financial things in her life as well as all the day to day stuff. I don’t know what to say to her, she just get very annoyed with me. So all I can say is it is a cross we have to bear being the one left behind. (I am in the same situation) I am going to get my self a we puppy and give it lots of love and attention, maybe one would suit you as well. Big hugs to you Kapla xx

  4. foreveryoung2

    Unfortunately Kapla there are lots of us alone – mine by divorce after being married and together for 43 years. It came as a great shock to me to find out that my ex had been having an affair for several years. I had a breakdown and spent 3 weeks in hospital, the first week I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. It took me some time to do things on my own as we did everything together (?) he was so clever and devious unbeknown to me. It took me 2 years to be able to go into a café and sit down by myself to have lunch or coffee, but now after being divorced for 15 years I do most things by myself, although I do have wonderful girl friends I meet up with regularly (they are divorced as well). It does get easier with time, but, as others have said, you have to put yourself out there. I joined a Palliative Care Volunteer Group and met lots of people (I don’t do that any more) but it got me out there. I also joined an exercise group and met lots of new people, but unfortunately had to give that up for health reasons, which I wasn’t too happy about as I loved the exercises and the Group. Check out your local area and see what is available.

    I miss the intimate contact with a partner, the hug that says things are okay (which he probably did with tongue in cheek), the talking things over, the planning for the future (which was mainly on my part) – Yes I am pissed off, but there is nothing I can do to change that, but just get on with it. I am a much stronger and wiser person now.

    I am so sorry that you lost Sue but I don’t think she would want you to not get on with your life. I know it is hard, and the hardest part is making that first move. You are entitled to your grief, and the manner in which you grieve, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time. I wish you all the best. Love fy2 xoxo

  5. ThatManViv

    Kapla,,,, Congratulations on putting your feelings in writing, well done .. there are many who can empathise with what you have said …
    You’ve said you are not a mixer, but maybe you could mix with one other … if you wander off to your library and check out a newspaper or two it’s surprising how someone else of a similar age there will suddenly make conversation … we dont need a gaggle to make human contact eh …

    also, a stroll and a sit down in a local park is interesting .. you get to see lots of people and life … and chats too with complete strangers …

    plus I know in my town there are community centres scattered about the town, my town hall has info on them, and in those community centres theres alsorts going on …

    something else that is fun to do and gets you out doors is photography … alsorts of people will comment about photos and cameras …

    my goodness, I bet Sue would be pushing you out the door if she could and telling you to go meet someone, anyone …just someone … and you dont have to be lonely, you can decide to simply be alone

  6. Drummer

    Hello again Kapla – I am sure that you will have read all sorts of advice as a result of your blog – all of them helpful, but I have not seen the route I took mentioned – I lost me wife Nancy after 30 years and have been through all the aches you talk of – sympathy is well meant and sometimes helpful, but ultimately it will probably be your own actions that will set your future life.

    If it will help, I will tell you my path – I put an advert in the personal column of the local press, set out clearly that I was a widower of what ever age and interests and would like to meet a lady of similar age and interests.

    I did this and had a number of replies from all sorts of people, all of whom I arranged to meet and had a meal together – this in the first instance provides at least company and hopefully a pleasant meal and conversation. Speaking personally I did this and certainly met a lot of wonderful people, and enjoyed some great meals and various ladies until I finally met the one who was to become my new wife and true friend – we will have been married 25 years this year .
    and I found that if you seek company there are many
    ladies in your own position – why not give it a try – No promises but I assure you that such an effort is well worthwhile – providing of course that companionship is what you seek. Give it go – I wish you luck – why not Chatters More than Friends? – Believe me, nobody is going to do it for you –
    Best wishes
    Drummer

  7. keeper of dreams

    Good Morning Kapla,what a poignant blog and thank you for being so honest in speaking out about such inner personal pain,I feel for you with every fibre in my body as indeed, obviously, so do many others here in SC.
    Whatever else Kapla,you are no longer alone…………we are a little family here in SC and reach out across the divide when someone reaches out with such a need.
    There is hope,there is a new life out there…………..BUT………..having made this very first move you now need to sift through our replies,perhaps even find a few that strike a cord in your heart………
    Then build on that,follow it through…………..it is very early days by the way,grief has to be worked through and it is different with every person…………………..it takes however long it takes.

    However I think perhaps you have already completed that very first step towards some initial healing…………..writing about your great loss and feelings of lonliness and despair………always extremely cathartic believe me.
    I know with addiction it can go nowhere, unless those first few steps ………..admitting the depths to your trouble and need……………are followed.

    I feel for you with all my heart and can appreciate very much of what you have put on paper from many areas of my own life, which I will not elaborate as it is not my blog,however from being an abandoned baby to finding my husband walking out having gambled away our home and belongings,to then facing death on several occasions…. whilst still only in my 40`s speaks for itself………..life has not always been a blessing ……………….but I have learnt empathy ,some deep rooted understanding and a great rapport with others that find life a struggle ………….be it for whatever reason.

    There have been some very helpful suggestions here, each one holding great merit I do believe…… and worthwhile,if you can but find the one that touches your heart and brings just that little ray of light into what is a now lonely life.
    You have a lifetime of love and precious memories which are such a wonderful blessing,but of course, life,your life goes on and although you can revel in memories………..you really need to think ahead and make those tentative plans for your future.
    Obviously you are ready hence your cry in the dark……………..a great starting point.

    Having enjoyed such a close and loving relationship with your Sue, you obviously are capable of giving so much love,this is the way forward my friend,sharing this great capacity for love with another.
    It could well be by following Drummer`s example, for at the very least it could bring you into touch with other lonely souls, affording a pleasant few hours outside your home……………….you do not even need to think about another marriage………………… just a lovely meaningful sharing of ideas and plans………whilst the suggestion of taking in a little pet certainly fills that empty void,that lonliness, as well as taking you out of your home on those necessary walks if you choose a dog.
    I can vouch for this being a great way to meet and make other friends………… as every pet lover immediately has a rapport with another pet lover!
    Whilst a pet with all its needs keeps you occupied and a new routine soon emerges………..you no longer are just one.

    This was one route that certainly helped me at one of my very low stages.

    Whilst following many cancer diagnoses, knowing my life had changed drastically for ever, I too chose the Voluntary route for the best part of 25 years………….and here, from just small acorns in reaching out to other needy people, mighty oaks did grow ………..as I became heavily involved at the deep end ………….it certainly gave me so much to think and plan, my own petty sorrowful moments were soon overcome.

    There is life after tragedy dear Kalpa…….. but it just does not come to your door…………..it is essential you pick up the pieces and start putting a semblance of a new life back together again………when ready.

    There are numerous bodies that offer counselling ,advice or just happy to point you in differing directions where you can attend certain groups,meet new people,find new friendships……………….it is all about making those first few tentative steps…………………and then keeping opening whatever doors that present themselves……… giving yourself that little forward push.

    Kalpa please know we are with you every step of the way, and I personally wish you health,strength and a meaningful life up ahead yet again……………Sue will be there smiling down and so proud of you as you create this new life……..surely no greater motive???

  8. tania

    Hello Kapla, I am so sorry to read that you are still feeling so alone after losing Sue. My family and I were so lucky to spend some good days with you both before Sue’s untimely death. I remember you telling me on the phone that you were a loner, it is a shame that you cannot join a grievance group or something like that to help you. We still spend time in Skipton so if ever you are that way we would love to see you again…..Take care….Ann

  9. Marzipan44

    Hi Kapla

    I do hope you read through all the comments and ‘advice’ here as, not only could it give you ideas to help, but let you see people here do care and wish you well. I only replied to one, but have said the same to all. You belong to SCs family now and we’re here to support and encourage.

  10. katelin

    ~~Members… DO NOT reply to the email address posted above by this scammer, hyueyere. …They have been removed from the site, but Rob will have to remove this post.