it’s been a crazy two weeks and there hasn’t been time to really breathe.  won’t be, i don’t think, until this weekend is over.

my trip to tam’s was wonderful.  the time with tam was much needed, as i don’t have a social circle of any kind and she is someone that no matter how long between visits, it’s like we were never apart.

i conquered two things with this trip…one, i got over my fear of flying, which has kept me off airplanes for nearly 20 years (after a really bad flight), and i took my first solo trip ANYWHERE, which included flying alone.  i can’t explain “how” that did something positive for me, but it did.  i think when you live in fear of things that keep you from things you mite enjoy…it really limits your life experiences.  i told tam that i will definitely fly to see her again, maybe in 6 months, and we are making tentative plans to maybe meet somewhere next year to enjoy a little vacation together.

she will be here for a weekend, a couple of weeks after my daughter has her baby.  my daughter is her God daughter and they are close.  she can’t make it for the shower, but wants to come after the baby is born and get her hands on her God “grandchild”?  is there such a thing?  not sure how that works.

this week has been spent getting ready for the baby shower this coming saturday, out of town company coming to stay with me for the shower, and then moving my daughter back into my house the day after the shower.  i’ve been taking apart furniture i built to create a guest room, when she moved out, and now i need to un-do it all, so that her stuff can fit back in there, lol.  she and my new grand daughter will be living with me for a while.

still no communication between my older two daughters and me.  they will not be at the shower.  i sway between anger, disappointment, and a kind of heartbreak that can’t be described in any words in any language.  it is a situation that exhausts me emotionally, every single day.  no matter where i am, or who i am with, even if i am managing to enjoy something or myself….this pain is still ALWAYS there.  i know that at some point, i’m going to just have to figure out how to move ahead in my life without waiting for everything to be okay.  it may never be okay and everything in me curls up and twists with that thought.

our temps have been HOT.  we had a total may gray and june gloom here in southern california.  but july has come in with a vengence…or so it feels.  today is almost 90, and the weekend is supposed to be in the 100’s.  i had a nice sized chunk of skin cancer cells cut out of my arm 7 months, so i try to avoid direct sun light, but it’s hard to garden that way, without covering all up, which just makes me want to melt, lol.  woe is me, right?  the garden is beautiful and is loving the sun, so i just try to get out there in the evenings when the sun is going down to water, prune, trim, plant, etc…

i have noticed something lately that really bothers me. i don’t know if its just that my mind is so pre-occupied and busy with heartaches and events, or is there is reason to be concerned.  but i’m having some trouble concentrating.  it’s weird…i can be in a crazy flow of several different things at a time at work, and in a split second, i feel lost, and have to ask myself, “okay…what was i doing?”  it feels really weird, like pulling my mind back from some cliff it’s about to fall off of, lol.  i have heard it said that sadness/depression can increase chances of “mind issues” as you age, and it’s yet another reason that i have to find a way to pull myself together and figure out how to move ahead from this stuck place and create a life for myself that feels some sort of happy.

i just don’t know how.  i feel UNwhole without my daughters and grand children.  like i’m leaving peices of myself behind if i move forward, and those missing peices are like holes in me.  and i also think on some level that those feelings have alot to do with the lack of SELF love that i have for myself.  another thing i can’t quite figure out how to gain.  i can accomplish a million things in a day, and yet…i can’t find or figure out myself.

i am able to write here, but i’m not sure i’m able to read anyones comments if anyone DOES comment.  i’m to understand now, that i have to pay the annual feel to use the features i was using that i didn’t realize were temporary.  so i’m considering paying the fee.    i wonder how many others here pay, and do they think it’s worth it?  or should i try to find another blog somewhere in the attempt to feel less invisible and somewhat heard?

either way, i just wanted to say thank you to those that HAVE heard me.

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