WATER SLIDE IN HOLLAND

Okay, I didn’t write this blog – it was written by a bloke I knew a few years’ ago, who had (and probably still has) an amazing sense of humour. If you don’t laugh your head off over this blog, then you won’t laugh at anything! It isn’t often I read something several times and find it hilarious every time I read it. It’s priceless. Here it is:

I thought you might like this one about a theme park in Holland that I went to when I was over there a few years ago.

The biggest water slide in in Europe about five years ago was at Elsford in Holland. Being a chap who will try anything , I thought to myself , I can do this..its only a water slide. So I laid down my 25 euros , changed into my swimming trunks and took the elevator to the top of the slide.

Coming out of the elevator there were three platforms. Number one was those who wanted to go without thinking. Number two was for those who wanted just a wee bit more time to pluck up their courage. Number three was No Way Jose and Goodnight Vienna. I didn’t what to think about what I was doing, so it was straight on to number one platform.

The Dutch attendant who started you off also gave you some instructions, these were ” Keep ze handies unt ze feet inside ze slide at all times.” then with a grin he added ” Unt pleze be rememberings…ze crap travels upwards” He then taps you on the shoulder, you let go of the holding bar and you’re off.

At first it was just a gentle slide , nothing exciting really, when you turned the first bend two things happened,you suddenly picked up speed, and you could faintly hear the screams of those who were in front of you.

The first obstacle you hit is the loop-de-loop, hurtling towards this at break neck speed the first thing you see are the soles of your own feet , then your knee caps, then you are just about kiss your balls goodbye before you straighten out again. It was coming out of this first loop that I found religion, I made a vow to god that I would become a regular church attender,I also begged his forgiveness for when passing a large poster with the words Jesus saves…it was me who wrote on it “He wouldn’t on my wages”

The slide seemed to level out, and I was on my back hurtling along. I swear the screams were getting louder. With no warning I hit it, the vertical drop, 139 feet straight down. just gravity and the cheeks of my arse trying desperately to clinch hold of water slide to hold me in. How I kept ze handies and ze feet inside was a miracle. About a third of the way down, the water pressure tried to push all my dangly bits back inside my body, half way down my swimming trunks were rapidly disappearing up my bum crack. As suddenly as it started I leveled out again. I was now a Jewish Roman Catholic with Buddhist tendencies.

The diseased and evil mind who designed the water slide now added the second loop-de-loop but this time you were travelling faster. I knew what to expect, whoosh, soles of my feet…whoosh knee caps…whoosh ..oh my god..no balls to kiss goodbye to …my testis had completely vanished.

Of course being a Jewish Roman Catholic with Buddhist tendencies leaning towards the Methodist faith I prayed they would put in an appearance at the end of the ride.

Straightening out once again I thought, phew I’ve made it….then I hit the ramps..bang..you take off ..fly through the air for bout 20 feet and land on your butt with a sickening thud…wallop..you hit the second one, my already bruised bum takes another beating as I land…I now realize the screams were of sheer terror…whoosh you hit the third and final ramp..I will never be able to ride a bicycle again.. I have forsaken all religion by now and I’m thinking of joining the Amish.

Things quieten down…and you begin to slow , although you are riding on a thin layer of water the sweat is pouring off of me ….I have survived….I am invincible …I am the …arghhhhhhhh…. all of a sudden you are falling through the air into the splash pool, some 15 feet….well not so much of a fall more like a plummet. I get out of the pool before the next unfortunate can land on me.

Standing there I join a queue of people, we all have one thing in common, apart from being battered and bruised, it all looks like we are having a piss in our swimming trunks..but it is not…its the water running out of our butts from the water pressure. Not only did we get a ride of our life but for the sum of 25 euros we got a free colonic irrigation….deal or what?
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I hope no one is offended by the graphic descriptions my friend put in this blog, but I think they’re part and parcel of his humour.