Although I'm an atheist, I find the content of the following quote to ring true. "Sometimes you have to make a deal with the Devil, to bring the Angels home."
Today is the anniversary of my children's death. My scars still bleed and my heart will never be healed. To those of you who still have your families,count yourself lucky and give them all your love and keep them close.

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Published in Senior Chatters


  1. myhurtingback

    I have never lost a child but my sister has, I have lost many others I loved and know from that, that the place they are often still there is inside of me, within the warm comfort of my heart and my memories…they will stay warm, loved, safe, protected and cherished forever there.

  2. leafofgold

    My daughter was not just a powerful woman , she was also my hero. She was raising two little boys one autistic, while working for a Fortune-500 Company. She never took crap from anyone. She was also the most loving, compassionate person I knew. I’ll never be whole again. Her and the boys remain in my mind practically every waking minute. Thank you very much for your reply. I found it comforting.

    1. myhurtingback

      Leaf I can only empathize on loss. In 5 years I learnt a lot about loss. Loosing first one brother and then another with my mum expressing her own loss by saying the loss of her sons was the worst as you do not expect for them to die before you do. I then lost my mom followed two weeks later by a tragic but loved foster child, then 8 months later by my lovely husband and then my niece. In between this my son broke his neck but did recover, both sisters had cancer and I got shot in the temple. I survived, we survived as a family and we learned to cope. I don’t think I have properly learnt to live again yet , but I accept I do exist and we learn to survive and go on with the motions of living, as inside we are more resilient than we realise. I would love to hear and learn of your daughter and her daughter and perhaps one day you will tell me her story. I send you love. x

  3. flowersun

    Dear leaf,my thoughts are with you on this day,i know their is nothing i can say to ease your pain,i wish their was,…this is a heart wrenching time for you,i just want you to know that i am always here for you my friend.

  4. nmod

    I don’t think I could ever find a word to say to you that will take your pain away. I’m so sorry to hear of your immense loss .my thoughts are with you xx

  5. roxyanne

    I have lost one daughter Pauline she was 26 when she passed to a bleeding in the brain she let behind two sons one was 6 yrs and one was just 8 weeks old it is very hard for older one he still misses his mother he is now 21 yrs old and not a day passes without him mentioning his mum it is so sad at times youngest does not remember as just a baby but his brother tell him how wonderful his mum was I hope you get through this day without too much pain thinking of you x

    1. myhurtingback

      SOrry to hear about your own loss Roxy, my sister’s daughter died without any cause of death being found and left an 8 year old daughter who now lives with my sister. I know from her story how hard it can be. My thoughts are with you. x

  6. CSweet51

    I lost a young man in Afghanistan who was like a second son to me. The world will never be the same. My heart goes out to you today and always. I am a Christian and will keep you in my prayers. No parent should have to go thru the loss of a child much less grandchildren. thinking of you on this day and holding you close.

  7. starlette

    Leaf, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, I count my blessings everyday, my family are my life. May your daughter and your grandsons Sleep The Sleep of Angels, much love and warmth to you Leafogold.x

  8. leafofgold

    To you all thank you for your condolences. I’ve been walking around with this weight for a long time. 6 years. I have found some peace here on Stoner Mountain with as little sensory stimuli as can be. SC has been my sole connection to the outside world. Often times I lose my patience with certain people but then I remember that they don’t really know me so how would they understand. Thank you all.

  9. Linda

    It is a parent’s greatest fear to lose their children young. Your children take up a big part of your heart, they can’t be replaced. My sorrow goes to those who have sadly had to deal with such loss. Leaf, you said it well when you said to keep them close and let them know you love them. Take nothing for granted. Blessings to you and other parents.

  10. padraig1

    Leaf i was in the Algarve same week wee Maddie McCann went missing since then i have prayed every week for ALL LOST KIDS i also have a tune i play in palttalk once a month its called the way back home by Kathy Durkin its a beautiful tune i may look for it and play it in u tube room once a month as well

    1. leafofgold

      I know that tune I do believe it’s in my collection, but I won’t know that until I catalog the collection

  11. beatrice

    Take heart leaf, I lost my dad about 21 years and it still hurts as he was so loving. I have also lost my siblings but looking at children now, I can’t imagine how hurting you are feeling right now, I can only empathize. I wish you strength and courage to live through such moments. Be blessed.

  12. annemarie

    Leaf, I am so very sorry to hear you lost your daughter. I have never lost a child but have lost my husband and my Mother and it is not the same I know as loosing a child. I am glad you were able to write about your lost and I know all your friends are S.C. are here for you. God Bless you.

    1. leafofgold

      Unfortunately I lost my husband 20 years ago and my boyfriend of 1 year ten years ago. Thanks for your comment

  13. johnwharden

    the hardest word to say is goodbye and sometimes you never get to say that,theres going to be days when there wont be a song in your heart but sing anyway,what l do know is life is tough and life is not forever,leaf they will be waiting for you do go thinking you will never see them again……….. you will promise john harden xx

  14. krazykatlady

    leaf..all i can say is i’m here for you even if i’m slow to answer your messages…i came very close to losing my son several years ago when he accidently set himself on fire..that anguish was brutal..i don’t know if i could have lived thru it if he had passed away…my heart aches for all mothers who have lost children…it’s just not how we think it’s suppose to be…

  15. carol32

    Leaf I am so sorry to hear of the loss of yer Daughter I lost my youngest just over a year ago I know how you feel about the pain of a lost one, it is something that never leaves you as a mother you do not expect yer children to leave this world so soon I know she will remain in yer heart always just keep loving her untill you can be together once again. Love & much Comfort to you Leaf in this hour of need.Carol xx

  16. KayBee

    I am very sorry for your loss. You have a very sad story. I do not know what you are going through, as I have never lost a child. My heart goes out to you Leaf.

  17. lani36

    My heartfelt love goes to you leaf, i have lived with loosing all my family from a very young age so I know what it feels like to grow up alone I have also had two close calls with my children from CANCER thank the good lord they are now in remission , my son last year and my daughter many times. they are both living great lives now, which is truly a blessing, I lost my last brother who I dearly loved last year, the anniversary of his death is coming up in a couple of weeks and i , of course am in dread of it, my anxiety and heartache at these times is indescribable.
    I would dearly love others who have not lost dear ones to stop, consider if they hurt someone, meaningfully or accidently, apologise, because when you loose the ones you love, they can never be replaced in ones heart and it has a lasting effect, one has to go forward but with great pain and it is ever present in one,s heart and soul, forgive us our snappiness at times like these, if you don,t understand what makes us sad and unhappy at times, we,that have lost so many loved one,s in our lifetime try and walk beside us, you can,t walk in our shoes but you can walk alongside us.bless you leaf.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  18. sunsip

    .My son died many years ago and every anniversary off his little death is heartbreaking/Ihave lost family members since but he death of your child is beyond compare 🙁 xxx

  19. foreveryoung2

    Oh Leaf and all of you who have lost children my heart goes out to you. I lost a daughter when I was 5 months pregnant many years ago and that loss has never left me – my heart still aches for the daughter she might have been to me. I have 2 sons and always wanted a daughter – I will miss her till the day I die and hopefully will be reunited with her. I am crying typing this. The loss of a child is the most devastating loss a mother has to endure. I have two wonderful girlfriends who have also lost children – one boy at 18 months when she had to decide to turn off life support, and the other who lost a daughter to a heroin overdose at 21. God bless you Leaf and all of you who have suffered this agonising loss. Peace be with you all xox

  20. padraig1

    u know theres a lot of love and tragedy in the chat i do feel for each and everyone of u group hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz here in scotland we call it a huddle

  21. Catraoine

    Dear Leaf, we also lost our daughter some time ago, what made it worse was it was by the hand of another. They say time heals all wounds, obviously said by someone who has not experienced a loss like yours and mine and of course many others on SC…time means it is easier to remember them without curling up into a ball for days at a time. It means that we can remember them and even find a small smile with that memory sometimes. Time means another day without seeing them and another day of sorrow. But because of the life they had we live ours in honour of them, we live it in their memory. To not live ours as best we can because of their death always left me feeling that I was somehow making them responsible for my pain. Thank you for sharing yours with us as I know from experience that it does bring relief.

  22. Andreasp61

    Dearest Leaf,
    My heart breaks for you this day…as you know there are no real words of comfort anyone can offer. The loss of a child is a wound that never heals. I too lost two of my children at ages 16 and 18 in an auto accident, they would be 29 and 31 now. I think the hardest thing as time passes is to have the courage to be happy with out them. There are days when I want to shout from the rooftops and let the world know what wonderful people it has lost.
    I totally understand what the anniversary date feels like and how hard it is to make it past without breaking down.
    If ever you need to talk please feel free to contact me, I won’t pretend to understand completely as each loss is so very personal, but I am a good listener.
    My best to you as you allow the memories flow in honor of your loved ones.

  23. skippy

    my grandmother lost her 21 year old son, my mother lost her first child, i lost my second child, my sincere empathy to you and all parents who have lost a child, love and ((((((hugs)))))) to you all.