Time Will See The Tears Run Dry

27 months ago, my world seemingly fell apart when my wife Janet, finally succumbed to the ravages of Cancer. What had begun as Breast Cancer in 2017, had come, gone (seemingly vanquished) and then returned with a vengeance and spread throughout her body before it was caught for a second time. Unfortunately, that meant the prognosis was not good. We were told that it could be managed and that she would have two, or maybe three years, living with the disease. But that it would take her eventually. Unfortunately, Cancer is no respecter of timelines and it took her from us in less than 5 months.

I’ll never forget the night she passed. She had taken a turn for the worse 5 days earlier, and been rushed into hospital semi-conscious. It was in the A&E Department that we got the news that she would be unlikely to survive the weekend. Subsequently, not only did she survive the weekend, but she made it into the following week, albeit barely conscious or aware of either myself or our (adult) kids. The wails from my kids when she drew her last breath will live with me for the rest of my life.

So there I was, a widower at 59yo and barely able to comprehend what had happened. Once the funeral had been taken care of, I retreated. I retreated away to the holiday home we had bought together barely 18 months earlier. The holiday home we planned to spend our retirement in together, but one which she barely had a year to enjoy.

At first, I just used to sit around in complete silence staring into space, occasionally consuming some wine. Then I felt the urge to start expressing my feelings in some way. Throughout my life I had always had a penchant for writing. My head had always been full of fantastical stories and indeed down through the years I had started many novels, only to lose interest in the old idea when a new one came along. I had also dabbled in plays, short stories and poetry. Quite a lot of which even ended up being published in the USA (though never in my native UK).

Now the urge to write came surging back. It simply poured out of me and onto paper. Poetry mostly. The first few months was a very productive time. I would often sit down during the dead of night and write some poetry, from short ones to grand epics. If It looked and sounded right I would go with it. Some were very dark and sad, whilst a lot of them were bright and hopeful. It’s amazing what goes through your mind after such a traumatic experience as losing a loved one.

Eventually, that passed and the urge to write diminished. I do still write occasionally, but I am no longer driven by it. After just over a year since her passing, I was offered the chance of early retirement from my workplace and so I took it. The next part was how to fill in all the spare time I know had.

Fortunately, my holiday home (which at first I was going to sell) is right next to the famous Pembrokeshire Coastal Path. This means that I had a whole new world of seascapes, clifftop walks, beaches, nature, history (ruins, remains) and landscapes to discover. The Pembrokeshire Coastal Path runs along the entire shoreline of Pembrokeshire and is part of the Wales Coastal Walk which encompasses the shoreline of the entire country of Wales. It is a rugged shoreline and I have seen seals, porpoises, dolphins, rabbits, foxes, badgers and a plethora of different birds along my walks, from breathtaking vistas.

This hobby has got me out once again and now I can spend hours simply wandering along different stretches of the Coastal Path enjoying the views and the fresh air. Sometimes I will encounter other people walking the Path in the opposite direction, but most times I can simply wander as a cloud, alone in my thoughts, my dreams, my memories.

The added bonus?

As a result of my new found enjoyment of walking the Coastal Path, I am now fitter than at any time since I was in my mid-30’s. Indeed, I lost almost 12 stone just in the first year.

So, here I am, 27 months down the line. What does the future hold for me ?

I have no idea to be perfectly honest. As an (almost) 62 year old and very ordinary man, I tend to be invisible in crowds. Therefore, the solitude probably suits me better. But here I am living life as best that I can, enjoying all the wonders the natural world can offer me, with the added bonus of the Welsh summer being a lot hotter and sunnier than we are used to this year.

So if, like me, you have suffered loss or other trauma in your life and find yourself alone, get out in the world and find something you enjoy doing. Even if you feel the world no longer sees you, you can still get out there and see the world. There is lots that this life has to offer. You only have to go out there and grab it with both hands. You don’t necessarily have to do what I enjoy doing, but there are many other activities that can be done out there that do not cost you anything other than your time and patience. Whether you choose to do these things alone or in company, just get out there and do it. At our age, we have got a long career of working hard behind us, now is the time to enjoy all life has to offer.

Life is precious. It can be snatched away as quick as it is given. We are only here once, so let’s make the most of it.

What are you waiting for ?