This Crazy Language

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half the worlds books and three quarters of international mail is in English, Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as two million words. Nonetheless, let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet are meat.

We take English for granted, but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksands can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So, one moose two meese? One index. two indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you can comb through annals of history but not a single annal? if you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think that all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play or play a recital? Ship by truck and send a cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?. met a sung hero or experienced requited love? have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And, where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, and in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by humans, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but, when the lights are out they are invisible. And, why when I wind up my watch I start it, but, when I wind up this essay I end it.

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Much Love MXXXXXXXX