There has to be life out there somewhere HELP
I have now been retired for almost two years and I am having some challenges in creating a new life for myself outside of work that was my life, that and my children and all I had for over 45 years. I feel like I am a duck out of water and I fit no where now. I am too old for the younger working group, I am too young perhaps not chronologically but activity, mentally and emotionally and health wise then just about every one I live around and I am so frustrated.
I need friends who still want to live and do things, I had hoped I could travel and see places and continue my excitement about life as I see many around me have settled into just waiting to die and I am not going there.
I still have my health and mentally strong and smart and fun and excited about life and experiencing new things. Sadly my finances will not afford me to do the travel and meet new people and experience new things, I had hoped I could do, but still there has got to be a way for me to create and maintain my active mind and body and spiritual integrity, and important social interaction. Today I am kind of down and disgusted about life in the fact that where I live most are women who are petty can’t do anything but talk about each other, and smile in your face and stab you in the back. It is like a high school clique and if they decide you don’t fit their mold you are pretty much ignored or ostracized, a couple other’s I have run into over this past year since moving here have told me they moved out because of these 4 women and the way they treated them, this is so stupid and childish and I cannot believe grown women can act like this. I so miss my friends who actually grew up and became adults with awareness of how to treat others. I had hoped when I retired I would be able to travel and do new things and have new experiences that time never afforded me during my working years, but sadly the money is not there to allow me to do it so I am stuck here and need to find a way to turn what is becoming a very negative experience of retiring into something positive. I had hoped also by the time I reached this point I would have that best friend to do these things with, but I find that their own issues keep them from responding and making an effort to have a best friend. And stay active together but that isn’t happening either, if you meet someone of worth and value he is either content living by himself or too suspicious to take a risk to find that life could be shared. So please help me with some suggestions as to ways that I can get out of this funk I am beginning to fall into, spending way too much time alone, while I like my own company one still needs social interaction and fun things to do to stay healthy.
When I moved here I did everything possible to be friendly, I still remember each of their birthday’s and send them a card, have taken flowers to a sick neighbor, visited her, in the hospital and other things as Jesus tells us to do and yet it seems like nothing comes back, except to give this group something to talk about. What am I doing wrong? I am a caring and kind person with so much love to give and yet every day I mainly sit alone. Oh I thank God that two days a week I have my granddaughter but that too will soon change as she starts school in September. I go to the gym, I walk a lot outdoors, today I went to the Senior Center, and keep myself busy with projects, but we all need something to be excited about and since I retired it seems I cannot find it.
Now I am not whining or feeling sorry for myself because I know God is in control and in so many ways I am truly blessed, maybe I am expecting too much but it just feels like there is something more for me and today I just felt like I needed to put my pride aside and ask for help. I know perhaps that some of you can give me some wisdom about how I can navigate retirement well. I have to have a purpose and have to be able to give my love and energy to something outside of me. Like I said I had hoped God would bring me a best friend by now to share this last leg of my journey with, but evidently HE doesn’t think I need one, and I am daily trusting that He will provide what I need. Maybe HE thinks I need to be alone, and for awhile that was true as I have learned so much about me during this past couple of years and like me, but now I really need a life beyond retirement. PLEASE HELP. IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS FOR ME.
Oh I have and do volunteer but where I live in this small town environment the draw back seems to be that you always remain an outsider. Doesn’t stop me because I love doing for other’s but I am human too and can’t always give out without something coming back or pretty soon you are running on dry.
I probably have done a poor job of expressing myself and hope I am not coming across as whining or selfish, please I don’t want to give the impression I am feeling sorry for myself I am blessed in so many ways, but I am too young to live like this without negative consequences I fear, I am just too healthy in so many ways and need more to be excited about.
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Rose4him, I can understand your situation. Many people are not prepared for retirement. Your life changes so much when you are used to working. At work you get to see and talk to people everyday. You get rewarded with a paycheck and hopefully pats on the back for a good job. Being out of the workforce you are still working at home and doing things, but the rewards aren’t there like before.
You have mentioned several things I would have recommended. I volunteer and served on boards or committees to help out the community where I live. I would ask what you like to do first. If possible get involved with those things such as if you like gardening volunteer to help someone less mobile than yourself. Volunteer to work at the Senior Center or help deliver meals to the home bound. I love books and have read to kids at the library. If there is a hospital nearby, there are things such as rocking newborns or other help needed. Since your granddaughter is in school, teachers appreciate getting help doing things for the class room.
Living in a small town is hard. They tend to open the door to new people. And they do have small minds, even those who go to church. However, not everyone is like that and there will be someone wishing they had a new friend. Visiting nursing homes to visit with those who have no family is a kind thing to do.
Whatever you do, there is a chance of meeting new friends. I also help out at special events like festivals, parades, seasonal activities.
As for meeting new men, there are dating sites you can try out. Be sure to be careful with your profile. You might try a christian dating site.
Write your bucket list of things you want to do and learn. Take up a new hobby, invite someone new to come have lunch with you, see if the senior center coordinates short trips and help them plan it, challenge yourself to do something to make your new community better. Plant a tree in the park, etc…
Hope this in some ways helps. Best wishes on a great new chapter in your life. Join the group “Living in the Moment”. Share positive quotes with others looking for a better life.
“one of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.” Jack Penn
Linda
Thank you so much Linda for your thoughts and suggestions, all of which I have and am doing or considering doing. I know God has an answer it is just sometimes the waiting and this transition given how busy I have kept myself with work for over 40 years has proven to be more challenging than I expected. My bucket list was to travel and I can’t afford to so that is a bit of a disappointment, but I continue to be a person with faith and have positive attitude and know that many things i have done and one is learning more about me and who I am today. I am painting and have learned a great deal about gardening these past two summers and this year my yard is prettier even than last year as I keep gaining knowledge. As for dating sites nope won’t do that. I did that 3 years ago and met someone and almost married him, and after two tries discovered what a womanizer and liar he was and just thankful that I did not marry him. I met someone else here and we have communicated for over a year off this site, and I truly thought this man was true to all he was saying and he may very well be, but we live in two different states and I don’t think he is willing to take any risk to consider that this might be a blessing to both of us, so I think it is kind of cooling and will become nonexistent.
I am not a person who can’t live alone I have done so most of my life, I just prefer if it is God’s plan for me to have a companion to go the rest of the journey with, but it may just not be in HIS plan for me and I know HE knows what is best.
Well, I went to dinner tonight with a neighbor I enjoy as she and I can laugh a lot and it seems like when God knows I really need a break HE brings something special my way, so I will just be thankful for each day and trust that in some way I will get through this bend in the road. thank you so very much for your caring words and advice
This is a good blog Rose , you have expressed yourself very well , not only have you expressed yourself well ,but you have also expressed how many of us feel at this time of our lives .
Here I was in bed , feeling sorry for myself in pain ,when I read your blog you inspired me to get up and go to my hydrotherapy appointment .
Life in retirement can be very difficult to adjust to ,the changes are enormous …the lack of money for one side ,but most importantly I think is the lack of purpose in life . When we work we are doing something that brings us rewards …and being creatures of habit ,when we stop doing what we did for years ,we feel lost !
I don’t have any advice to give you … as I am struggling to find a balance myself ,
You say that you feel and act younger than other seniors around you , and that makes you feel out of place … I’ve found that happens to me too ! Whenever I join a class or an outing I find that I’m always the oldest one there …sometimes by as much as 15 years ! That doesn’t bother me at all if I like the group I keep attending ..
Last year in October I’ve joined a meet up group for over 50’s …there are hundreds of different groups under the same umbrella ,I’ve chosen one with interests similar to mine ( traveling , movies, food , walks etc. ) it’s been very successful so far ,having the same interests means we always have something to talk about . We meet once a month to plan … And there’s a lot to chose from or we can suggest something we want to do and if others are interested we go ahead with it . The activities are varied , from movies and coffee , to weekends away ,even trips overseas . And the membership fee is just $5 dollars a year !
The important thing Rose is to accept the reality that there’s not such a thing as a ” perfect life ” and that finding a life companion doesn’t necessarily mean that things are going to get much better !
We are social beings and friendships with both men and women are equally important to have a balanced and healthy life …and if we find love in the
Process all the better …if we don’t , well we can still live a happy fulfilling life
That’s what I’m aiming for anyway .
Best wishes to you Rose , 🙂
Thank you for your considered response. I felt sure I was not the only one dealing with this retirement funk but maybe the only one who would express it. I have done the meet up thing when I lived in the South end of Washington, here there just is not much interest or they things they do is too far from me. I am not destitute and actually pretty blessed as not many women collect as large of a SS check as I do, but I worked as a professional for over 35 years. Someone mentioned going back to work, well after investing $100,000 to further my education and gain 2 master’s degrees from 2004-2012 if that was a possibility I would never have stopped. First there is age discrimination no matter how experienced or educated you are in this economy firms are not looking to hire me in my profession and pay the top dollar they have to pay when they can get a nurse for 1/2 of what they have to pay me, plus their thought is she is 70 how long will she actually be able to work. This happened time and again for over a year when I decided to stop trying. I am too qualified for many positions and they won’t hire me for them, and the ones I am qualified for they want and need someone who can work like I was 60-70 hours a week and that just is not possible any more. More, importantly I don’t want to return to work, it is time for me to retire and I am clear that God wants me to direct my energies in my family and myself which I had little time to do in years past. However, while I am comfortable there just is not extra money to travel as I had hoped and that depresses me at times. But I have recovered and realize this is a journey we all have to navigate and I do know I am where I am supposed to be, I was reminded of that yesterday when my DIL called and said my granddaughter doesn’t want to go with her to have a pedicure she wants to hang out with her Nana, as my DIL has been on vacation this week and normally I have my granddaughter two days a week, but this week none and she was missing her Nana, that is what is the most important thing now, the legacy I leave behind in loving her and my family. So as always in times past God will get me through this bump in the road, it is not nearly as challenging as some I have already traveled and successfully navigated, so I just need to keep my eyes on HIM and trust this too will pass. Thank you again and all who replied with your thoughts and concern for me it was greatly appreciated.
So nice to hear that you have a beautiful relationship with your granddaughter .. My son and DIL are expecting their first child early in October …first grandchild on both sides of the family …so we are all very excited waiting for this little bundle of joy to arrive !
Cannot really add to the suggestions already given……our local hospitals have what are called Daffodils………volunteers who go in to serve in the coffee shops, wheel the sweet and paper trolleys into the wards……..do you have any local charity shops who need helpers a few times a week……..what about the local paper……….do they have a column friends looking for friends, I would suggest females, put an advert in yourself…….or start your own group up via an advert………words to the affect of lady wishing to form a circle of friends, meeting at each other’s homes on a weekly basis………taking it in turns to be the host………just coffee and nibbles, wouldn’t cost too much……….don’t suppose there is any chance of you moving to a different area………anyway Rose I hope you find some kind of companionship soon….xx
Thanks you see my reply nmod above, I am doing fine, just hit a brick wall which we all do from time to time and this is new territory I have to learn the terrain LOL.
Rose I can’t say I really know what you are going through as I still work and very busy with life in general. I am more convinced each day I will never “retire” in the sense of having some sort of daily responsibility and accountability. As Norma said, its a big change going from the long habit of working to retirement.
I would ad that God built us to be prosperous and work. I haven’t seen anywhere he commissioned us as humans to stop. Some I’m sure will disagree but that’s how it is. A few years ago I did what’s called semi retire for 18 months.
Around the 16’th month I saw myself getting depressed and restless. Some retire and travel the world the rest of their lives but the earth is only so big lol. Besides, that’s what vacations are for. If I were to ad a suggestion I would say, Get heavily involved in your church, get a part time job at something you love doing. Set a reasonable goal and MEET it.
Perhaps if you can save the money form the job for a trip you’d like to take. Maybe make this your goal. You said you are still healthy so get busy woman lol. Seriously, set you some achievable goals and strive to meet them. Keep the brain busy. A busy mind is a prosperous mind. We all need to have a purpose and direction. For me personally, when I stop achieving and having responsibility I have begun my fate. As far as men go, I am the last one to suggest on that one lol. Sometimes we find exactly what we want when we stop looking. Hope something I said will encourage you. “J”
Thank you , having traveled and successfully accomplished so much more than I ever thought possible I know this will be no different, I just need to keep my faith in God and trust as always He will get me through this as well. In fact HE really already has in getting my focus back where it needs to be.
Thank you for your thoughts.
rose your god doesnt seem to want to help,l,m mean its not as if you are asking for money or power,heard this so many times,and nowl think he just doesnt listen,l hope things get better for you,all the best x
Oh HE listens and responds, and I am back on track with the faith that has always seen me through the challenges of my life. thank you
Oh john God isn’t there handing out what it is that we need in life.We have to find these things ourselves.Otherwise we wouldn’t have any free will.There is an old saying my mother used to say”God helps those that help themselves” Rose I hope you find something to help you feel better about your life now you have retired,sorry your feeling lonely and I know how it is went money doesn’t stretch to things you would have liked to do.Rose maybe you could look into so,etching like house sitting lots of people get around see new places doing that.
Actually I have to disagree no where in the Bible does God say “God helps those who help themselves. However, I have never been one to sit and do nothing. I was a single mother of 3 at 24, worked in banking that was opened to me through prayer while I was a checker in a grocery store part time, that was a blessing God gave me for the next 7 years, I met someone and married and he deserted me when I was pregnant with my now 37 year old son. I started praying as I knew I had to do it better and soon the doors opened and I entered Nursing school at 32 years old. I raised, often working 2 full time jobs to provide a good life for us. I returned to school at 60 and obtained my BSN, MHA, MSN with the idea I would work til I dropped, however, with the economy after the recession in 2008 and still really, no one wanted to hire a 70 year old woman with my experience and education as they don’t want to pay the salary they have to pay me, and you can’t get them to pay me less and allow me to work. So I have never sat around I have always prayed and watched God work in miraculous ways. However, this is a new terrain for me and for a bit I got off track, I am now back on and know exactly why God led me to stop working. I even took and passed an H&R block course last year and got hired, the day I did I was driving home and felt God impress upon me I don’t want you working I have other plans for you. So I called and declined the job. I know I am not supposed to be working and now I know I am where HE wants me and doing HIS plan, I think I forgot my focus for a bit and got a bit selfish and I don’t exist for myself I exist for HIS purpose and when I keep my eyes on that I am at peace. I have a wonderful life here, live comfortably and know that I am here for my granddaughter, and a neighbor that God used from day one of my buying this home to mentor her and watch her grow closer every day to God. So all is well, and no God does not need someone to help themselves before HE helps, in fact it is too often our own work that keeps HIM from helping. He is the driver and when we sit back and let him drive HE will get us to the place that He plans and will meet all our needs according to HIS riches in glory, and many of our wants, if they do not interfere with HIS ultimate plan and purpose for our lives. The important thing is to discover and know what that purpose is and not allow our selfish humanity to dissuade us from HIS plan.
Well rose after reading all that you still say god plans your life for you?i think you planned it with his help.think why do some of us have good health and others not?or have things better then others.God doesn’t do that we do .if he planned our lives everyone would be having the same.He gave us free will to help ourselves and to ask for his grace to accomplish the things we decide to do with our lives .God is a kind merciful God he does not do to mankind what we do to each other.Do you really think he plans for some to beg on the streets or be homeless?We have to help ourselves and help the ones that can’t help themselves.
It makes sense Kathy , well said ! I’m not extremely religious but I do believe …and every time I’ve prayed I felt listened to !
Glad Norma I don’t want to push my beliefs on you or anyone .
Two places you could really help are Veterans hospitals and Hospice. Don’t know if you have either of these near you but they are very worthy causes. Believe me, if you volunteer in either of these places you will realize how lucky you are to have your health and a future to look forward to. Hope you find something that helps you.
I do volunteer where I feel I can be best used. Thank you
Rose4him, I can understand that you are unhappy, but in this world God does not provide what we want. It just doesn’t happen. This life is about sickness and death and loss. As seniors we lose our physical appearance, capacity and health. We lose friends and family. You have lost your expectation of a life as you wished it to be, with travel and a close male companion. There is no expectation, but there is always hope and you need to hold onto that. You also need to work hard to find ways to fill your time and to find friends.There are a lot of internet games that a lot of people enjoy. I recently took up scrabble. Some people play card games and other games. As I said, make a firm commitment to do everything in your power to make a life. I am not succeeding at a lot of things and have been treated shabbily and have lost close friends and family recently but I keep trying new things and I keep hoping. I have better health and more resources than a whole lot of people, and so do you, who remain cheerful and contented. Maybe getting a pet would help or even caring for pets, though I myself am not a pet person. There is politics at all levels. Just keep thinking and don’t give up hope.
So good to hear that there are others that feel the way I do. I know I’m not alone! I’m 71 now. My job moved from Chicago to Colorado in 2006. I felt it was too late for me to find another job here. My husband is still employed, my children, of course, are older, two married. My jobs now are just laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Nothing at all like my life used to be with a “real job” and a paycheck. Sometimes you just wonder….”why bother doing this, why bother doing that”…..and does it really matter if I do it at all. I work hard every morning and write in my journal to keep myself going. I just joined this group yesterday and I feel it’s perfect for this time in my life for me…..for hearing the honest feelings of people like you….and the others. Thank you so much. Rose1943
am i confused or something, one minute your talking about dating and meeting men and possible marriage, then in your last blog you say your married and your husband is still working??????