The Art of Dialogue
: An exchange of ideas and opinions
I am making a strong distinction between talking and engaging in dialogue through active listening. While they can be similar, I find they are at times vastly different.
I recently saw a short video of a very young child having an intense conversation with a German Shepard. They were face-to-face, and this cute little person was jabbering away, and the German Shepard was staring intently into her eyes, taking it all in as if it made complete sense. It was interesting when the child paused for the briefest moment; the dog would whimper as if trying to respond, or maybe encouraging her to continue.
Two different species conversing, speaking in languages neither understood, and yet the conversation endured. The dog had no idea what the young girl was saying and didn’t care. She had something to say and his tail wagged with happiness that she wanted to share it with him.
Our mind is incredible and runs endless routines that some may call habits. Routines can be great because they permit us to perform daily tasks efficiently and consistently. Routines can also cause us to perform tasks so consistently that we miss important things. We can fail to see new variations that require new adaptation and a new routine.
How we communicate and how we listen can be good examples of routines gone bad. Unlike the German Shepherd, who is happy to be part of the discussion, we subconsciously set the stage for how we will “listen”. All too often, we inject judgment, apply an expectation bias, and engage in pseudo- or competitive listening.
Have you ever heard of social facilitation? It’s similar to an emotional feedback loop. Consider a Taylor Swift concert. Taylor and her dancers feed off the visible energy – movement, singing along, cheering, and kindness to each other that gives a collective rush and intensifies the experience that is felt after the concert ends.
Apply this to how we engage in dialogue. Our eyes reflect the emotions we feel during the conversation. Our eyes, along with our body language, create this visible energy, an environment of trust, that intensifies the dialogue. It’s only after they finish speaking that we start to consider how to respond, if a response is required. Sometimes the best response is a slight nod of understanding, kindness in our eyes, or a gentle touch.
Even over the phone, our emotions can be sensed. Next time you are on a phone call, pay attention to what you are feeling. Vocal tone, intensity, tension, warmth, flatness, and even certain pauses can influence the conversation.
Texts are far from emotionless. Emotion leaks through our choice of words, context, punctuation, rhythm, and even our errors, leaving an emotional impression.
Dialogue is a natural process. It starts to warp when there are signs of mistrust or judgment that steer the dialogue toward debate, monologue, or competition. Active listening, minimal judgment, and empathy cultivate the natural process of dialogue and displace the equally natural process of defending, winning, or withdrawing from the interaction.
We can be the spark that encourages open and honest dialogue, or the wet towel that extinguishes it. Always strive to be the spark.
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Wow fascinating blog. Love the child and german shepherd reference. Ive seen similar videos. I get active listening, it used to be a big part of my job as a Mental Health practitioner. Im guilty of not always applying in my real life. Im often so desperate to get in my own chat. Its very interesting to ponder to what degree these skills are present in our online communications. Reading between the lines. 🤔
I applaud your work in the mental health field. I bought a sweatshirt from Til Valhalla that reads “don’t let the hard days win”. What is mental health like in your country? Mental health professionals are overwhelmed here. @tjay
Might have to write my own blog to answer that one. I dont want to take over yours.
Many thanks for an interesting piece Bill. I must first say that I’m a bit of a pedant, and maybe not just in English, as in ‘lyk wot itz spokn init’. My lovely granddaughter, poor love, is almost perpetually being ‘pulled up’ by me when we chat. Two alternative views perhaps, firstly. Dialogue – DIALOGUE | English meaning – Cambridge Dictionary
DIALOGUE definition: 1. conversation that is written for a book, play, or film: or as an alternative – Conversation –
CONVERSATION | English meaning – Cambridge Dictionary
an informal, usually private, talk in which two or more people exchange thoughts, feelings.
A small thing I accept however it switches the ‘tone’ of a verbal/written exchange from ‘formal’ to a more ‘informal’ tone.
And secondly the lovely ‘conversation’ had by dog and little girl. We are beginning to discover more and more about animals conversational skills. So here we have ‘speaking in languages neither understood’, my dog and I would dispute this:). Through the study of biosemiotics we are learning that same species and even inter species communication is far more common than previously thought. So my ‘my dog and I’? We can, and do, communicate in verbal and non verbal ways. Animals were once derided for only understanding phonetics (sounds) but this is simply what we also do, indeed schoolchildren are, to large extent, taught by the phonetic method. My dog comprehends short strings of words but also, on occasions, will ‘pick out’ the change of one word in that string, as in ‘time for walkies’ she goes to the front door, ‘time for tinkles she goes to the back door, ‘it’s food time’ she goes to her food cupboard. This is still contentious in some circles but study of animals in the wild are increasingly finding this ‘stringing together of sounds’ even to the extent that mammals even have ‘names’ for the individuals within a group. My doggies communications with me however are far simpler (maybe she thinks I don’t warrant the effort:) If someone comes to the door she barks, if she thinks it’s time for me to get up in the morning it’s a gentle woof, If she fancies a treat it’s a little whine, and of course those eyes! I know we can’t ‘Talk to the Animals’ but ‘we’ and ‘them’ share simply amazing ways and means of conversing and having conversations. Many thanks for your thought provoking piece John Apologies for spelling and grammar errors, Dyslexia rules KO
Apologies Bill, the whole thing has been jammed together as it were. John
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Regardless of the species, the one universal truth in any dialogue or interaction is the need to apply patience. In today’s fast-paced world, patience is in short supply.
Defined, patience is the capacity to endure delay, difficulty, or discomfort without becoming angry, upset, or acting impulsively. It means staying steady and self‑controlled while you wait, instead of being driven by frustration or the urge for immediate gratification.
That’s a fair definition, but it’s missing a key component – ponderance. Patience is the ability to ponder all that is occurring using sensory perception. This isn’t something that takes a great deal of time, but it does require a concerted effort. Speed listening can refer to 1.5x or 2x the speed when listening to audio material. I am using the term “speed reading” in the same context of “speed-reading”. We take in groups of words at a glance instead of listening to every word. Skim listening (skimming), where we listen to every other word, or inject the expectation bias by assuming where the conversation is going. So much can be missed.
Which is worse – having a problem you want to talk out with a friend, or talking out the problem and not being heard?
People share less when they feel unheard, and to avoid the pain of being dismissed. This makes friendships more shallow and fragile. It also impacts trust.
Interesting business facts about communication and dialogue:
– Financial Losses: Companies with 100,000 employees can lose an average of $62.4 million per year due to inadequate communication, while smaller businesses (100 employees or less) average a loss of $420,000 annually.
– Project Failures: The Economist Intelligence Unit found that 44% of surveyed respondents identified poor communication as the primary cause of failed projects.
– International Ventures: An estimated 70% of international business ventures fail specifically due to cultural misunderstandings.
– Workplace Errors: Communication failures are reported to account for over 70% of all workplace errors.
– General Management Issues: Industry experts, such as Dale Carnegie, have stated that 90% of all management problems are caused by miscommunication.
Thank you for your kind response. The effects you mention are of course, as I’m sure you well know, inevitable. For my generation if you needed information you read a book or waited for someone who knew, now you just reach for your phone. If you needed a new jumper someone in family would make it for you, now you go to Amazon and probably get it next day. If you needed a bank statement you went to the bank and waited to be told or waited for your monthly statement, now you go online, almost instant. As W.H.Davies said ‘We have no time to stop and stare’. Instant gratification are us. We have been trained in the art of ‘instant’ so it’s hardly surprising we also expect this from other people. It’s inevitable that others won’t wait for you to ponder, ‘cogitate’ is the word I love. It is so much faster and convenient to assume you are right, why waste time consulting others who may well disagree anyway? I’ve observed this countless times in my work. We are victims of ourselves, society has ‘sped up’ at such a rate that we have no possible hope of adapting ‘evolving’ our cognitive skill set to match. Many consider that humans are doomed, and in our present form they may well be correct, where this will lead us I dread to think. In my working life I also noted another handicap to effective communication. Square pegs being placed in round holes. Sight is processed in the occipital lobe, sound in the temporal lobe and reasoning in frontal lobe, ain’t the brain wonderful, so it’s almost inevitable that our processing of information is unique to all of us. This leads us to neuro diversity[sic] an almost meaningless term, as is the trend it seems, we are all, thankfully, neuro diverse due to that wonderful organ the brain. Now here’s another rub, the figures you quote are probably due, in part, to that very diversity but not necessarily because of it. Yes that sounds contradictory I know, but (hate it when people say that!) this is where we join hands with your points. It sounds almost crass but we are ALL so diverse, we resemble keys with infinite combinations, the skill so many lack is finding the ‘key’ to that situation ‘lock’ the right peg for that hole. I’m sure you have seen this failure yourself so many times. There are a myriad of reasons, for too many to explore here. So all the way down that human chain in society this failure perpetuates itself. Sorry, all lot of verbiage, but as a resumé and stitching this all together. It’s only surprising the facts you give are not far worse with all our failings. But we are who we are and thank goodness for that
Neurodiversity is an excellent approach when addressing the variations in how each brain processes. We consider these variations in cognitive processing simply as differences and not deficiencies.
Progress is an interesting word and one that is totally dependent on one’s field of view. Actually, it’s more than that. Progress is also a byproduct of our values, character, and compassion.
The one universal thing we can’t seem to shake is the need of some to judge the way others live. The irony is that it’s often what so-called leaders, media, churches, and influential groups define as “normal”.
I mentioned churches only because they seem more divisive than they are harmonious and peaceful.
Dialogue is enriched when respect, values, love, and compassion serve as the foundation and trust as the handrail.
@john5 @tjay
We’ve moved on, have we? My generation started of with idiot, dumb, stupid, thick, being sent into the classroom corner for being unable to ‘keep up’, yes that was me. A long time later, too late for me, we gave names to these ‘conditions’ Asperger’s, Dyslexia, Autism etc. Then we felt the need to move on again, or at least one of those who always know better did. And we were told that from now on it should be known as Spectrum disorder. Ever faster we moved on yet again so another ‘smart arse’, sorry, knew even better and that hence forth it should be known by the meaningless term of Neuro Diversity. ‘Saints preserve us’ we are all Neuro Diverse and a what a wonderful world it makes for. Have I used the word ‘progress’? I do try not to, as you say, to whom? Often used instead of, advances, changes etc Oh, and the big Elephant straddling our world, Religion. A movable feast with Hydra at the head of the table, think that might be an oxymoron but hey. Religion – A construct to keep the lower orders of society in order and proper place’. How many die in it’s name? just the Partition is estimated to have claimed between 1 & 3.4 million souls, it’s never ending. Not for me, my moral compass sees a better path, I hope
“…instead of being driven by frustration or the urge for immediate gratification.“. This has always been the driving force in my career as a musician. The best performances have always been driven by countless hours of frustration in pursuit of a desired and fleeting communication. In other words, it has always served me so well! Hard to turn it off and part of what makes society almost ungovernable! But I’m retired now, so I’ll let some other wet behind the ears kid push the boat out.
@Bill40205 & @John5 Just love your discussion. Thank you. I enjoy learning, one of the things I love about this site. If only I could retain it all. But I still enjoy and feel so much better for it.
That make me so very happy, at my age I have a head full of useless information but occasionally the two brain cells meet up and a useful bit pops out.
You have a headful of wonderful information. More information that more people should learn. I’m better for you sharing that information. @John5
And I am all the better for your knowledge and thoughts Bill. As I explained to another member I have a head full of useless information but occasionally the two brain cells meet up and a useful bit pops out. Kind Regards John
An interesting read, well written and I too have enjoyed the discussion afterwards.
A nice piece, and lots of discussion too. These blogs really are the perfect place for this type of thing as well.
I’ll not add my two penneth worth to this particular discussion because it’s already very detailed and varied, but there’s plenty I could add to it I’m sure.
Thanks for posting.