Telling the truth
Catharsis is good for the soul apparently. Since I have gotten such wonderful support here in Chatters, I have decided to step into an uncomfortable place and ‘speak the truth’.
It seems as though many of us past 50 have experienced unfaithful spouses/partners. Many of us have also experienced other deceits from those closest to us.
In my previous blog, I alluded to a deceit that was devastating to me. I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like it, but I want to share it with you as a way to clear some of my negative feelings that still haunt me.
My ex-husband not only played around with women, he lied to me about having served in Viet Nam. He told me that lie when we first met and kept it up all through our marriage. If any of you have known any war veterans, you will know how different men deal with their memories of war differently. My ex ‘played’ the type of man who wants to keep the memories at bay, by never talking about them. I had experience with other Viet Nam vets, so I honoured his silence. His behaviour throughout our marriage was always ‘explained away’ by his Nam experience.
I discovered his deceit and adultery all in the same day, so despite my fury, I was able to think clearly enough to kick him out the house and divorce him as swiftly as possible. The really odd part of this is that his ex-wife told me the truth about what was happening. I was able to confirm it all pretty quickly, because despite my feeling gutted, I had to be sure of what the truth was.
So why tell all this? Well, basically because the level of betrayal I experienced was so complete to me, that I only now am realizing how much it affected me.
For me, trusting someone is sacrosanct, precious and primary to relationships. To find that I had trusted such a devious and false man, and had married him was devastating, embarrassing, full of pain and horrible. But for me, what Gary did was so disrespectful to REAL veterans, that I pushed my anger about it down, as I just couldn’t process it. I was always too embarrassed to talk about it. Until now. I really don’t know why, or care why because I think it is important to share this with you all.
I truly believe that Chatters is a unique and valuable place where a wonderful group of people can meet in safety. However, and here comes the point of all of this:
If you are a member here and want to really get the most out of it, please tell the truth. Please don’t be deceitful because it is hurtful and mean. Tell the truth…..please.
Well done Anurri, for doing something that took courage.
I understand only too well how it can take years to be able to face what happened and even longer to talk about it. When we have been hurt so badly, it can take years, if at all, to be rid of those negative feelings altogether, but hopefully they will fade with time. (((hugs)))
And for those who lie, and make up stories with the intent of deception….. they are to be pitied. Very sad to have to elaborate on their lives.
Thank you Polly.
Anurri thank you for sharing this. I haven’t experienced to the magnitude you have in a partner. I cannot imagine the pain you had to have gone through. You deserve better and good for you for showing him the curb. I’m going to vent here on the Vet issue though. It’s despicable for someone to lie about being in the military! It dishonors those who serve and risk their lives and especially those who have died. I have a son in the military who is in Afghanistan on second deployment and have the honor of knowing many military men and women. For anyone to lie about having served in the armed forces should be punished. Both in the UK and the US….God be with our active and reserve kids..
I couldnt agree more Jsmile! There are no adequate words in the english language, IMO, to speak about how despicable that truly is. God bless your son; and all military UK and US serving at this time. I know people who served in the Coast Guard, Marines, and Navy. God blessed all of them with a safe return home.
I agree with you both 100%. Thank you for your comments.
Anurri thank you for sharing this. I haven’t experienced to the magnitude you have in a partner. I cannot imagine the pain you had to have gone through. You deserve better and good for you for showing him the curb. I’m going to vent here on the Vet issue though. It’s despicable for someone to lie about being in the military! It dishonors those who serve and risk their lives and especially those who have died. I have a son in the military who is in Afghanistan on second deployment and have the honor of knowing many military men and women. For anyone to lie about having served in the armed forces should be punished. Both in the UK and the US….God be with our troops. To those here who have served….Thank you so much!!
Thank you for your comments J. I feel exactly the same as you.
Anurri, it wasn’t until I wasn’t until i was my twenties that I started to ‘find out’ that my whole childhood was a lie ( in other words I had blocked out abuse) I didn’t have a birth certificate, my Registration papers are forged so I have no idea when I was born. I was never sent to school because I didn’t exist. I have no idea who my ‘parents’ are. I only found out twenty years ago that I had an identical twin sister. I don’t know if I have siblings.
In short this is why I have very little time for liars. Lies rob you of so much and finding the truth is a long and hard journey. I admire how you have dealt with such deception and certainly understand your overwhelming need for the truth as I share that need.
You are a brave woman and you have never let go of your own integrity. XX
Catrione, I admire you truth so much, I do hope it has set you free to a great extent and that you have found true happiness in your life, ((hugs))).xxx.
Thanks lani, and yes I did. Lies are a cage that trap you, whether you are telling them or being told them, each lie is another bar that prevents you experiencing freedom, again a liar is not free nor is the person being lied to.
As I uncovered each lie I also found the truth, even if that was only knowing what was a lie without getting anymore factual information.
Over many years I have remembered small details that have allowed me to find out a little bit more about myself, its like trying to put a jigsaw together without the picture on the box and many of the pieces are blank.
But it’s also been exciting at times, another piece of the puzzle falls into place and something that made no sense at all suddenly becomes transparently clear.
I did appreciate your kind words and thank you. XX
Thank you Cat…..what a terrible experience to live through. I admire you so.
I admire the bravery that women face when speaking out,it takes a special kind of person who faces up to things that have happened in their past,
One of the worst feelings is when a partner is found out in deceit, all the time knowing what they are doing will hurt another, but continuing on their way, is it Ego,? is it awareness that they might loose face,/ is it just that that type of person has no courage and once the lies are told canott backtrack on what they have told one?I really dont understand these kind of people , and then some go on to blame the innocent party that just stood by and loved them ,faults and all, to cover what they say and do.It does impact on so many others, where the militiary is concerend thats despicable and should be prosecuted , all those brave girls and boys putting their lives on the line , for the very person that is being( abseftie) soz a greek word meaning huge liar ,(the worst of the worst).why do they do it ? god only knows.(hugs) anurri xxx.
I have had the same thoughts over the years. Thanks again for your comments.
I have always told the truth on here Anurri and I admire you for doing the same. It does help to get these hurts out in the open. My a…hole of an Ex betrayed me with my sisters, one over a long period of our marriage. She was my best friend, so when it all came out I was so devastated I had a breakdown and spent 2 and a half weeks in hospital not wanting to talk to anyone. I never suspected a thing, and that shows how deceitful they can be. These 3, in my opinion, have no conscience and don’t believe they have done anything wrong. I will never talk to my sisters ever again. As for your ex lying about being a Vet, that is despicable, and these kinds of people will lie about anything that gets them what they want. I have suspicions that one of my nieces may be my Ex’s, and for that I hate him even more. I hope your blog has eased things for you Anurri. Take care ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) fy2
Dear Catraoine I am so sorry for your childhood deceit, and I hope things are good for you now ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) fy2
forever young, I do admire you soo much, all that have have had such trauma in their lives as you have and risen above it, to be the sweet, understanding person that you are, gives me reason to go forward with hope in my heart. (hugs) xxxx.
Thank you Lani -hugs back at ya xoxox
Well said lani!
Great big hugs back to you foreveryoung2. Your strength to survive is a model. Thank you for your truth.
Author:http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/when-lovers-lie/partners-expectations.html
A Partner’s Expectations Can Influence Lying
Everyone holds expectations about how a romantic partner or spouse should behave.
In fact, romantic partners place a lot of expectations on each other. People have expectations about how their spouses should spend their free time, behave at work, act in social situations, and so on. And in some cases, people hold expectations about how their partners should think, act, talk, walk, eat, dress, etc.
And for the most part, people try to live up to their partner’s expectations. In general, people do not like to disappoint someone they love.
No one, however, is perfect. Everyone makes an honest mistake (and, sometimes a not so honest mistake). Everyone falls short of their spouse’s expectations. And when this happens, people generally try to cover their mistakes through the use of deception (see, Millar and Tessar).
For example:
You know you are supposed to call your spouse at a certain time, but you are out having fun so you don’t call. Later, when you finally talk to your husband or wife, you are likely to lie about why you did not call. Most people would not tell the truth in such a situation (“I was having a lot of fun and didn’t feel like talking to you at the time”). Rather people tend to make-up excuses – “My phone wasn’t working,” or “Sorry, I lost track of time.”
When people violate a partner’s expectations they have two choices:
1. Tell the truth and disappoint a partner – endure a certain negative outcome.
2. Or try to cover-up their mistake through deception – try to achieve a positive outcome (avoid punishment).
And without giving it much thought, most people take the second option when faced with such a dilemma.
Better to take a chance and try to cover one’s mistake than to face certain and known consequence – a partner’s disapproval and possible retribution.
To make matters worse, people tend to place the most expectations on their romantic partners. For instance, people don’t care how strangers behave – it’s their own business. But, we do care about how our spouses act.
Because of this, it is often easier to tell a complete stranger the absolute truth than it is to tell one’s spouse. Strangers, people with little expectations about our behavior, care a lot less about how we behave. Have you ever had someone on an airplane tell all of their secrets? It is easy to tell the truth when people don’t care what you have to say.
Simply put:
• A partner’s expectations often underlie one’s deceptive behavior – people lie about what their partner’s care about.For instance, if your partner does not care how you spend money, you are less likely to lie about it.If, however, your spouse is deeply concerned about your spending habits, then you are more likely to lie about it.
Unfortunately, much of our dishonest behavior is tied to issues that would upset a romantic partner (see, lies lovers tell – survey results).
..
Catriaone,i cannot imagine the turmoil this knowledge would have caused you……..I know you are now a strong women and will not let this spoil your life…….betrayal, lies , deceit. all part of life’s colourful patchwork……..do anyone of us escape unscathed….I doubt it……..as for the military part of it, my close ” friend ” was in the SAS……he saw things that still affect him today…..he has to switch off from then……..he had to do things he is not proud of………, he had no choice……you do not fantasise about these atrocities….you try to erase them………to you my friends I hope you all find the strength and courage to overcome life’s hurdles. xxx
Thanks so much Star.
I am truly touched reading your blog and the replies, Catriaone you are a true survivor, what a brave lady! xxx anurri the deceit you were put through is beyond disgraceful, why are people are like this!!! xxx forever big hugs you have gone through trauma and come out the other side….. I was lied to, deceived, abused in my marriage and in 3 other relationships, it took me to suicidal thoughts and indeed actions, but I have learnt a lot from this and it has made me straighten my back and say no more!!!! I mean what I say and say what I mean…… Respect and very best wishes to you all xxxxx
Thank you for your comments Roseanne. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Your candor is a true measure of your strength.
Annuri, I really think you are one very brave woman and to find out these things about you husband must have been devasting to you. I was married 33 years and had a wonderful marriage and I was blessed to have my Ed as we were high school sweethearts. I respect you and wish you the very best Annuri. ((((HUGS))))) Marie
Thank you Annemarie. I have never felt brave. I have always felt weak and ashamed for being so eager to believe him. However, I also have been blessed in relationships since and am happy.
Anurri, you really are remarkably strong! I agree with so many who responded on this fact! You have enabled so many other strong women on this site to speak out. I hope many more will read this. Telling the truth is always the best way to live your life .
Thanks so much Passy. How wonderful it is to read the comments from so many great folks.
(((((((((((((((hugs to you all)))))))) – so many have had difficulties in their lives – but we are still here, and can hopefully, help each other find inner peace and joy. Lina xxxx
I agree with you 100% Lina. Being able to share with these great folks on Chatters is a wonderful gift. Thanks for your comments.
Thank you for the kind words, I think ( not that it is a competition) that the kind of deceit that Anurri was subjected to is the worst kind. She was deceived by someone she once loved, that kind of betrayal is the worst kind in my view. To be duped while loving someone and regardless of how dysfunctional that relationship was, it started off with at least one person believing this was for life and that she was loved.
But I guess Anurri once we know we are living a lie we can then create an honest future as well as having that honesty within ourselves.
Yes Cat. That honest present and future is the way to proceed.
Pain is pain in my experience. We can never know another’s, we can only offer a hand, a heart, support. To be betrayed is human. Being loyal seems to be a choice with us. Perhaps that it is why I prefer dogs to most humans. They never betray you. Cat…..there is no gradients to pain in my opinion. Hurt is hurt.
The shock of finding out the complete betrayal of my marriage with Gary was overwhelming and I am the kind of person who figures things out, makes a plan, sorts everything out, makes the best of things, look forwards not back, fixes it, do it, work harder, it will get better if I just work harder, work harder. Like Boxer in ‘Animal Farm’ – work harder.
That isn’t successful. It just drives the emotions deeper. And with this particularly dispicable behaviour of Gary (yes I am naming him…..it feels right somehow) betrayed all Vets. That betrayal is more cruel than anything I experienced. I cannot tell you how much I despise Gary for his betrayal of Nam vets, and vets everywhere. I have been married to 2 REAL Nam vets….. a chopper pilot and then years later to a pbr navy gunner. The first one is Canadian, the second American.
So, my experience with Vets is very real, very personal. And for that CREEP Gary to have used my understanding and respect for Vets makes me sick….really nauseous. As I wrote this blog I had many hours of nausea and vomiting. It took me all day to write, but nearly 20 years to process.
The amazing part of all of this is that I met my beloved Tim (my late hubby) in my search to validate what Gary had actually done in the military in the States. After I divorced Gary, I wanted to know what he had really done. As a Canadian, I had to do my research to find Gary’s information. I did it, but as I was finding it out, I worked with a couple of Nam Vet organizations. It turns out he was in the American Air Force as a fire fighter but gues what folks?? When he was to go overseas to Nam…..he ran. He went AWOL. Yup. He ran to Canada. I thought long and hard about getting in touch with the military police to have justice done. I chose not to. Was I wrong?
One of the fellas in those groups was Tim. Soooo, in some odd way, it all worked out. There is another part of that story about meeting Tim, but that is another story.
Thank you all for your amazing words and support.
Telling the truth is the only way.
Annurri, You can let go of all this. It is up to you. Gary has consumed to much of your life and you should not give him another day. Technically He was a Viet Nam Vet. he served in the military during the war and he probably was scared by the experience, If he deserted, he had to escape the rest of his life. He may have loved you and the lies he had to tell were a cover up. He cheated on you. At least your marriage may have had more truth than you realized. I KNOW this may not help but he lied to help himself not to hurt you maybe. But you have to let it all go and focus on rebuilding your life. I hope you can.
This guy is not a Vietnam vet. He is a deserter. Had he completed his obligation he would still not have been a Vietnam vet. He would be a “Vietnam era” vet. Only those who have earned the Vietnam Service Medal are Vietnam vets. Among them only those who have been awarded the Vietnam Campaign Medal by the former Republic of Vietnam government, generally speaking (there are exceptions) actually served on the ground in Vietnam. Consider this: because he deserted someone else’s name may well be on the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, D.C., As a man he is what was often used to fertilize rice paddies. OB (In country RVN, 1965 -1966)
Welcome home oldbull. Thank you for the truth.