Starting Over

Chapter 1

I used to deal with the loneliness by daydreaming and fantasizing. My imagination was in a drought – couldn’t dredge anything up. With the kids gone, and losing my job, I had nothing to keep me occupied. Life had become too predictable. I wanted that feeling of excitement again when you come home to someone you love, when you anticipate what’s going to happen the next day, when you can’t wait to wake up in the morning and start the day. I was that joyful person before my husband Dan died.

It’s been three long years now. Dan was the love of my life – soul mate, lover, best friend. That sounds so corny but Dan and I had something so special. When he held me in his arms, all the worries of the world faded away. I felt so loved and safe.

Being out of work in the worst possible economy, I didn’t have my old job to distract me. As an executive assistant I was on “go” every minute. No time to worry about being alone. I really missed the challenges of the job.

I never really took the time to cultivate hobbies in the past so now I had none. Cooking was fun, but I was still cooking in huge amounts like when my family was home. I bought a load of containers so I could give all this food away. I think the kids were starting to get nervous when they saw me coming with a shopping bag. What’s that saying, “too much of a good thing.”

My “earth mother” instincts compelled me to spend my life taking care of family and friends. Warm fuzzy for me. Now that Dan was gone and the children were grown, I needed to focus this “sunshine” energy on someone or something new.

At my friends’ urging, I dated a guy named Ed a few months back. Nice looking, my age, seemed to be fun. Very quickly the relationship became lopsided. It was all about him, not me. No thoughtful gifts, no coming out of his way to see me – he was the prince of “unspecial” or as my friends referred to him “Prince Alarming.”

Well I ended that quickly. Didn’t Ed look surprised! Maybe no one will ever make me feel the way Dan did but I’ll never settle. Lucky for me, I have no problem expressing my feelings. The problem might be to stop saying what I think.

“Julie back to earth – focus on your interview,” my inner voice kept harping. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach when I thought about my interview next week. Sterling Inc. was a great company. As the largest developer and marketer of prosthetics in the US., Sterling was hugely successful. Their stock was at an all time high. I’m sure the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan contributed to their bottom line. To their credit, they were number one in the production of quality prosthetic arms and legs.

What will I wear next week? I started leafing through my clothes in the closet. God, I have nothing. How did I let my clothes get so frumpy? I tried finding my black “interview suit.” Rats, it had fallen off the hanger and was crumpled at the bottom of the closet. As I scooped it up, my hands were treated to the softness of the brushed wool. I loved to run my hands down my sleeve or pants leg just to feel the softness – kind of like touching fleece. The last time I wore it, five years ago, I attended a conference in Albany in winter. I must have looked strange caressing my arm and my leg. “Are you cold?” asked the conference director. “Yes,” I lied.

“Five years, get a new suit.” I seriously needed a clothing makeover. Hopefully my friend Joannie Perez would help me.

Joannie was short and slight but she was a tiger. In business she could hold her own with her male counterparts. When she was promoted to senior vice president at Tillis, she was lauded as the first woman in the company’s history to assume that title. She had really earned her stripes.

What a celebration party Tillis gave her. The champagne was flowing at a posh Manhattan club and Joannie was at her best in her lilac couture gown and diamond jewelry. I chuckled as I saw our reflection in the mirror at the party. We could have been an ad for short and tall. Joannie, looking up at me and talking in her staccato pace, gesturing wildly, created a light show in the mirrors when her diamonds picked up the glare of the overhead lights. Her brunette coloring was contrasted by my fair skin and blonde hair.

We were opposites in so many ways. So many times in heated discussion we would be nose to nose, her brown eyes glaring at my green eyes, and then we would just crack up. We were a good sounding board for each other.

Joannie worked hard and played hard. I knew I didn’t have the physical stamina to keep up with her and she never let me forget that. “What’s the matter, too old to keep up?” she would constantly chide me.

“You’re like the Eveready Bunny Joannie, you never stop moving. No one can keep up with you.”

“Julie Ramao, what are you going to wear to the interview?”

“I was kind of hoping that you’d come with me to get some new things.”

“Great, throw out all that old crap that you have and we’ll get you all dolled up. P.S. get rid of the sweatpants, chips, and cherry Nibs you’ve been hiding – it’s time to be your hot, beautiful self again. ”

No one could say that Joannie wasn’t straight to the point, but she was on my side.