Some jokes to brighten your day

A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!

Tow man talking:
Do you say a prayer before every meal?
There’s no need, I don’t allow my wife to cook for me.

A man tells another:
I’m finally a “somebody”.
Why so, did you get a promotion? , said the other
No! Yesterday my wife yelled: “ Somebody take the garbage out!”

Two friends talking:
Let me show you a rare collectible photograph I just managed to take.
I see nothing special, it’s your wife.
Yes, and I managed to catch her with her mouth shut!

A groom and the bride’s father were sitting down only minutes before the wedding’s start, and the groom asks:
What is your return policy in this contract?

Saturday morning I woke up in a hurry, dressed up quietly, got my lunch ready, took the dog, and then rushed to the garage where I attached the boat to my jeep and I was on my way. Unfortunately the weather was terrible so I had to head back home and park the car back in the garage. The weather channels announced no improvement whatsoever so I decided to get back in the house. I undressed again and I sneaked next to my wife whispering:
“Terrible weather outside…”
She replied “Can you believe my husband is stupid enough to go fishing on this storm?”

When a man opens the car door for the women one thing is for sure. Either the car is new or the woman is.

A woman tells her husband:
I was crazy when I decided to marry you!
I know… but I was in love and didn’t see that back then.

A man runs like hell through the city and he finally reaches his friend’s apartment. All sweaty and panting he said:
I came to warn you! I got here as quick as I can!
Why what happened?! , said the other man in a bit of a shock
My wife bought a new fur coat and she’s heading towards your wife to show it to her!

A woman was waiting frustrated for her husband to come home from work. When he finally came she asked:
We’ve been together for 15 years and our eldest son is 24 years old now. Didn’t you ever think about that? Don’t you think it’s time for
marriage?

Yes! I did thought of that! You’re younger you still have a chance, but who would marry me at this age?