ramblings

i was very lucky to find a job at my age, let alone actually LOVE it.  it may be a bit of a sad thing to say, but i think it’s been my job that’s saved me this past year.  it was very scary to go back to work after years of being home as a wife and mom…and then taking care of my grandchildren.  i’d been out of the work force a long time.  most computer programs are a blank to me, and i wasn’t even sure if my mind could still function in a way that we allow me to learn and be a benefit to any company.  if you are sensing a lack of confidence…you are very right.  

but i have found that not only has this mind made me proud, i thrive in a fast paced, multi-tasking environment and i have been told by the boss many times, what an asset i am for the business.  all of these things have been grounding for me.  something to hang onto, when the rest of life feels like a storm swirling around me.  i don’t know if anyone can relate, but after my separation from my husband, and my youngest moving out (divorce and empty nest all at once), i went into some kind of robotic mode.  for months, i didn’t feel like i could breathe or rest.  it was constant, “go, go, go”, “do, do, do”…prove that i could be financially stable.  prove that i could keep my house, and still eat.  prove that i wouldn’t fall apart.  some sort of survival mode, i think.

and finally, i began to relax.  i saw that i was keeping all the balls in the air, keeping all the boats afloat…however you want to put it…i was keeping my head above water financially.  and that’s when i realized that i hadn’t breathed in months.  and then…the reality of what it seems i’d been avoiding for months…my own feelings…hit me, and i had a bit of a breakdown.  some combination of “woe is me” and “i can do this”.

see…when i asked for my divorce, i didn’t fight for my have of his pension or alimony.  i could have easily gotten both.  but…the need in me to not be married anymore conflicted with being supported by him in any way…so i opted to be financially independent for the first time in more years than i can count…and be ALONE for the first time in my life.  at 58 years old…i am living alone for the first time ever…and it’s been…

not as easy as i thought, lol.  when you are among chaos in your life…(even if it’s happy chaos), like children and grandchildren, but then add in years of it, and a bad marriage…you come to believe that being alone will feel like the most peaceful thing on the face of the earth.  in the rare moments when everyone would be out of the house, even for just an hour…i’d think, “this is it…this is what i want…this peace and quiet”.  but that occasional taste of peace, that has become my normal now, has been like an enemy taunting me with lonliness.  (be careful what you ask for, right?)

i’m struggling to feel the differentiate between being alone and being lonely.  what i want is to ENJOY being alone, without feeling lonely.  i want to somehow understand the difference between “living” and just existing.  thus far, i feel like i’m just exisiting, and maybe it’s my actual fear of what living means?  risking my heart again in any way at all…something i am not prepared to do.  getting out, even among just friends (which i don’t have)…and finding out that i’m lacking somehow and not good enough.  i feel very guarded, and a co-worker, “nicely” dubbbe me jaded.  and i wonder all the time, what do these ways of mine, mean for the rest of my life.  having never been alone before….i just can’t figure out how to fit into it.  like i finally got this beautiful coat i’ve been eyeing for years and couldn’t afford.  i finally got it.  but its all stiff and itchy and i have to wear it all the time, in order to break it in.  is that how this works?  i have to sit in the discomfort in order to get comfortable?   its something i’m taught in yoga poses, but maybe it applies to life as well?

i just don’t know.  i get up every day and go to work…a job i love.  while there, i feel productive and energetic and like i make a difference.  i come home and work out…almost daily.  and then…it’s still and quiet and i struggle.  i hope it’s all part of the process to get….”somewhere”.  i’m definitely not “there” yet, wherever it is.  i’m restless and lost.  and this is not meant to be an entry full of whining, or looking for sympathy.  i am just in need of saying things honestly the way i feel them…to someone.

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