Pearls of Wisdom
1. Dr. Seuss On the Golden Years
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh My God What can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad–can you tell?
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
2. Barbie is a Senior!
Yes, Barbie is over 50 and officially joined the ranks of us seniors. Soon they will produce a Barbie we can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-Muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
Bunion Barbie. Years of dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.
Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
Recommend0 recommendationsPublished in Senior Chatters
As far as the Barbie bit goes? Serves her right!
Had years of my young sister poking that damned doll in my face and whittering on and on and on
Waylander. Maybe you can tell what the Ken doll would be like LOL.
Laurie, this is very clever information but also a bit too much grim reality. LOL
Ah yes, the GOLDEN YEARS! I agree with your list of things that you can no longer do, or you can do them , but it takes a herculean effort to accomplish it and a little help from your pharmacist! I also discovered the only gold that can be associated with this segment of your life is the gold liquid in the toilet after you pee, that is if you can pee! And that noble tattoo of a battleship on your chest, has been torpedoed, and the gun turrets now bounce up and down , brother you now need a Bro. And the women in your life they But then theare jealous cause you have bigger boobies than they do! Of course they are I the same boat as their boobs have started a close relationship with their belly buttons., and they need a DDD cup pushup bra to pack their sagging C-Cupsers in! Aren’t the golden years great
I agree with the list
Ahhh!! but think of the positives, you can eat what one likes, no more dieting to keep that girlish figure.. Can take one’s time and sleep in of a morning , no more having to get up early on a cold morning to travel to work, more time to play golf,
read more , watch one’s tv programme without the kiddies stealing the remote…
reduced prices on Power, gas supplies and car registration, I could go on and on , ha ha ha but I won’t xxx.
Thanks for the blog Laurie, I never did like those barbie or booby dolls as I called them .
Just to inject a lighter note into the proceedings, I posted this because I thought it was hysterical, not to depress anyone. By the way I didn’t write it; these “pearls” are from Dr. Seuss and an anonymous source.
Speaking of Barbie and on an unrelated topic: When my daughter was little a doll called “Happy To Be Me” was introduced as a feminist alternative to Barbie. She wore jeans and tee-shirts with flats and stood level with the ground not raised on tip-toe. Her figure was based on reality instead of fantasy. When I bought this doll for my daughter the salesperson told me it was the only one they had sold. The only use my daughter ever had for Happy was to give her clothes to Barbie.
What will Barbie be doing on her hundredth birthday I wonder?
The laugh-out-loud blog, your added comments and those of others were so great!