peaceful out, but not in

it is absolutely beautiful here, where i live today. we’ve had so much may gray and june gloom, and the sunshine is so welcome!  i spent the morning and early afternoon with my youngest daughter. she will have her first child september, and will be making me a grandma for the fifth time.  we did a little bit of grocery shopping, had some lunch out, and then wound up in a jewelry store in the mall.  we each treated ourselves to a new piece of jewelry.  it was a nice outing, good quality time with my daughter and a little retail therapy never hurts anyone.  

she’s gone to work now, and i’m home alone, which is my biggest challenge.  i struggle with silence big time.  since my ex moved out almost a year ago, i’ve never been able to sleep in the silence…i sleep with the tv on, tho i never watch it.  it’s just a white noise, so to speak.  and in the daytime or evening when i’m alone, i always have to have music on.  the silence is so….loud.  the silence speaks alot of things that i don’t like to hear or be reminded of.  

but today is so beautiful.  and on the wings of the entry i wrote yesterday here, i’m trying today to be more aware of the moment i’m in…to keep my mind where my body is and focus on the here and now.  MY here and now….

i’m at my desk in my room.  i love my room…i’ve created an oasis for myself that i feel very comfortable in.  i have a sliding glass door that is the entire length and height of the wall, and it opens out to a small private patio, leading out into the yard and a bigger patio.  i can see my yard, which i love.  i work hard out there and the results are that i get to enjoy the view when i sit here or when i sit on my small patio.  there is a perfect breeze blowing and it’s moving my chimes, just enough to make them make all their wonderful sounds. and that same breeze makes the leaves on my tree dance, creating a sound almost like distant ocean waves.  if i had to give this moment i’m in, just one single word, it would be “peaceful”.  

so…basically, i’m in a peaceful moment, even tho i don’t feel peaceful inside.  i’m going to assume that the inner peace will come with the journey, and that maybe it’s progress that i’m even “noticing” the outer peaceful surroundings, instead of not being present?  see?  it’s possible that jaded as i am,  i CAN be hopeful, lol.

i think that i will pour a glass of wine, and take it out to my patio, to attempt to enjoy this “feeling” a little more.