ON CONDOMS & THE FRENCH

Here’s an early email I received from my funny friend, years ago.

When I was a mere whippersnapper , the only two places you could buy condoms were either the Chemist or that great male institution the barbers.

“Something for the weekend sir?” they would ask.

For a few years I thought that men and women were only allowed to make love at weekends.

Another great institution at the time was the Wall’s Ice Cream man,who used to cycle about on a tricycle,with a rather large cool-box on front of the tricycle selling ice cream…his legend was “Stop me and Buy one”…I always thought to myself…if he went into partnership with with Durex (then the largest condom company) he would make a fortune!

For my sins, I’m an engineering operations manager for a large waste and recycling company. We have plants all over the UK and also in Holland, France and the place that no one mentions, Belgium. My main remit is to install a new recycling plant then keep it going by either tutting at it, taking a sharp intake of breath or giving it a wallop with a rather large hammer.

The French Plant manager , one Monsieu Didier , always treats me like along lost brother when I go over…and I have to receive the customary kiss on the cheeks ….I still find it a wee bit daunting when a Frenchman with a moustache as big as a privet hedge comes at you..I never know what to do…pucker up and think of England or run away.

His wife Madam Didier does not like the English one bit. I think it stems back to when she was a young girl and while sitting in the salon-de-bain a British paratrooper came crashing through the roof, which, rightly or wrongly, she blamed on the “maudit Anglais” but I always get invited to dinner. Last time I was there Madam Didier made “Fruits-De-Mer ” ..fruits of the sea…a better translation would have been “See how many sea creatures the Englishman can eat without being violently ill”..c’est la vie as they say.

****************************************************************************************************

I am so glad I saved all his emails – I still derive so much laughter and enjoyment from them. He was the funniest man I’ve ever met, bless him.