Old Jokes :D

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him
which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.

"But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

"An athiest went to Loch Ness and was swimming - He was caught by the Loch Ness monster and just about to be eaten whole - He cried - "Oh my God, help me !!"-

In that second time froze and he was suspended in mid air just as the monster was about to eat him -
A voice came from above "I thought you did not believe in me "
The athiest replied - One minute ago I did not believe in the Loch Ness monster !

Another athiest was sailing on Loch Ness when all of a sudden his boat was tipped over by the Loch Ness moster,

he screamed out "Oh God!!" and suddenly God appeared in the clouds, time froze and God said

"I thought you didn't believe in me"

The Athiest said "Prove to me you are God!"

God said " okay then ask anything you want and I'll do it!"

the athiest said "okay, make the monster holy!"

God said "Okay it is done"

Time defroze and the man was swimming in the water when the monster picked him up and the man thought

"Phew I have been saved!" but then the monster put his claws together and said

"For what I am about to recieve may the Lord make me truly thankful" and the man was eaten.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked,

"Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

Gates of Heaven

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says,

"I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.

It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through,

can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says,

"Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members

harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tyre spanner out of my boot, and walked up to the leader of the gang.

He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 20 stone, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.

As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tyre spanner.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone!

You're all a bunch of stupid bikers! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."

There was a man who got to heaven and he knocked on the door - St Peter answered and said -

“Before you come in, have you done anything heroic?”

The man replied “I was a rugby referee and I did a match at Millennium Stadium - England V Wales -

It was 17-16 for Wales and I gave England a penalty in front of the goalposts in the last minuite of the game “

Peter replied “Wow, I am impressed - When did this happen?”

The man replied - “About three minuites ago “

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a cab driver had been given a higher place than he had.

"I dont understand." he complained to St.Peter "I devoted my entire life to the congregation"
"Our policy is to reward results" explained St Peter "Now what happened, reverande, whenever you gave a sermon?"

The minister admitted that some of the congregation fell asleep.
"Exactly" said St Peter "And when people travelled in the man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed

😀 😀

Old Jokes 😀 was last modified: November 4th, 2014 by shadow
Published in Jokes & Humour

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