MY ORDEAL C Jojo 1999

I recently re-posted a funny true story blog I’d written eons ago, and it was so enthusiastically received (thanks everyone!) that I’m re-posting this one.

I wish to preface it by saying that this event happened many years ago, at a time in my life when I was embarrassed easily – even buying sanitary towels caused me great anguish as I imagined everyone was looking at my purchase and mentally saying “Ah ha! I know what’s happening with HER!” (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?)

Another explanation is due because I don’t want you to think I’m unbelievably stupid. Once I am focussed on something, especially when it’s of an embarrassing nature, all else disappears and I don’t consider until much later, how it would appear to anyone watching this event.

MY ORDEAL

C 1999 – jojo.

I’m engaged in selling older dolls on the internet (eBay) and I recently sold an Ideal giggling doll. As her name denotes, when bringing her hands together, she giggles (“Ideal” is the manufacturer’s name not a measure of the doll’s status!)! That is to say, this “giggling” doll giggled when I purchased her, and giggled in fact, right up to the moment when I started preparing her for shipping to her happy new owner, at which time, she giggled no more. DAMN, HELL AND BLAST! Fortunately I am blessed with a husband who can fix just about anything.

“Deeee,” I wailed. “Help! My doll doesn’t giggle anymore. Please, please, PLEASE can you fix her?”

“I doubt it,” he replied. “I’d have to take her apart and there’s no guarantee I would be able to figure out how her giggling mechanism works.”

“I’m SURE you can do it!” I cried. “You’re the cleverest man I know!”

“You don’t know any clever men,” he replied.

“Well, if I did, YOU’D be the cleverest!”

Flattery, dear friends, will get you everywhere!

“Well, I’ve give it a try.”

That night after supper, he dismantled the entire doll. Head came off, arms and legs came off and the torso was split asunder (actually it was unscrewed but I thought “split asunder” sounded more impressive).

He soon found out how her giggling gizmo worked. There was a round box with a very thin rubber membrane between it and the lid. On top there was a plunger which when pushed inwards, forced in air which the thin rubber membrane pushed back out onto a rod with a vibrating reed at the end of it which created a series of giggles. The problem was that the ultra thin rubber membrane had bitten the dust (actually it perished due to age, but I thought “bitten the dust” sounded more dramatic). What to do?

“Where on earth can we find such a thin rubber membrane?” D. asked.

“Couldn’t you use Saran wrap – that’s very thin?”

“No, it won’t do,” D. declared, “Because it isn’t elastic and won’t bounce back.”

It looked hopeless. Then something very unusual happened I had a brilliant idea!!!

“What about a condom?” I asked, jumping up and down with excitement.

D. looked thoughtful. “You know, that might work! Yessir, I do believe that’s a perfect solution! But do you think it’ll be wide enough?”

“They stretch, you know. Anyhow, that’s the answer – tomorrow you’ll go to the pharmacy and buy a condom!” I cried.

“ME BUY A CONDOM?” he yelped. “NOT ON YOUR NELLY! I’m not going into a pharmacy and asking for a condom.”

“But it’ll be so much more NATURAL for you to buy a condom than for me to do it,” I pleaded. No dice, he wasn’t budging. DAMN!

So next morning I went into the pharmacy, hoping and praying no one was at the pharmacist’s desk. My prayers weren’t answered. There was a mob there and what was worse, a whole lot more came in after me! Well, there was no way on earth I was going to discuss condoms with the pharmacist in front of ANYONE.

“You’re next, Madam,” said the pharmacist to me with a big beaming smile. “And how can I help you?”

I said something I’ve seldom said before nor will I likely ever say it again. “You go next,” I told a little old lady behind me. “I really am not in any hurry.”

“Aren’t you the sweetest thing?” she gushed. “Thank you SO much!”

I said the same thing to the next person, and the next person, and the next person, and each time I was declared something akin to a saint for my amazing generosity!

Finally, the pharmacist and I were alone. Now I should add that I know nothing about condoms, only that a defective one resulted in our having son Mike!

“I want a condom,” I told him in hushed tones.

“What did you say Madam? Speak up – I can’t hear you.”

“I want a condom,” I said louder, while looking around myself surreptitiously to make sure no one was listening.

“What kind do you want? We have Ramses, Sheiks, Trojans …” he rattled off a whole lot more super macho names.

“I don’t care what brand it is,” I replied. “I want one which is super thin, super strong and (mindful of D’s concern about it being big enough) extra large.”

His eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Er would that be extra LONG, Madam?”

“No, NO,” I replied, getting flustered. “Extra WIDE.”

“Yes, yes, quite so,” he said and moved out of the counter, making his way towards the shelf of condoms.

“And oh yes, I want it unlubricated,” I added (lubrication wouldn’t allow it to accept glue and thus it wouldn’t stick to the edges of the box).

He stopped dead in his tracks. “UNLUBRICATED?” he cried disbelievingly. “Madam, ALL the condoms we sell are lubricated.”

“And why would that be?” I asked, fed up by now with the whole sorry business.

He coughed. “The gentleman would find it easier to, er… slip on.”

“Oh alright then, if I have to have one which is lubricated, I want one that is only lubricated INSIDE, okay?”

He sighed. “Madam, they’re lubricated inside and out.”

“And why in the hell is that?” I cried in frustration.

“Because it makes … er … penetration more agreeable.” I thought that one over a bit.

“What’s it lubricated with?” I asked.

“I believe it’s with a spermicide jelly.”

“Does it wash off with water?”

Poor man, he couldn’t believe his ears.

“To the best of my knowledge yes, it is water soluble.”

I was relieved. “Okay, I’ll take the thinnest, strongest and widest one you’ve got,” I said.

He produced a box and placed it in my hand. “Oh you don’t understand,” I said. “I don’t want a whole box! I only want ONE!”

The look on his face was one I’ll never forget. Here was a woman wanting to buy a condom which wasn’t lubricated inside or out to be worn by a lover with an extra wide appendage – AND what was worse – she only wanted one! What sort of a love tryst was she setting up for herself? For sure it was a pretty pitiful one seeing that she only expected one single episode of lovemaking!!! Still under the circumstances, maybe that was just as well!!!!!

“Madam, in this store we don’t sell condoms singly – they come by the box.”

This was too much for me. “Why on earth do they only come by the box?” I wailed.

“Because most gentlemen who buy condoms want to keep a good supply of them handy.”

I gave up and bought the damn box. I brought it home, D. used ONE to fix the doll who then giggled her sweet head off. Now all I have to do is find eleven more giggling dolls whose mechanisms don’t work so that we can use up the rest of the box!

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P.S. I have eleven Ramses condoms up for grabs (no pun intended, of course) for an incredibly cheap price!! First come, first served. 🙂