LOVE, SEX AND MARRIAGE C 2012 JoJo
The whole concept of sexual love has changed dramatically since I was young. Back then, you lived with your parents until you met someone who wanted to marry you and if the feeling was mutual, you got married and presumably lived happily ever after. As a woman, you were expected to remain “chaste” until your wedding night. Imagine going into marriage without having the least idea as to whether or not you and your mate for life (and it was expected to be for life, back then) are sexually compatible. But that was the way of things back in those days. Women who “did it” before marriage were called “sluts” and no “decent man in his right mind” wanted to marry them. They were just sexual playthings, not worthy of “being the mother of his children.” What a crock of you know what!
In my opinion, this was just as bad for new husbands as it was for their inexperienced brand new wives. Imagine the responsibility of being her one and only, and introducing her to the (presumably) joys of sex in a marriage, when she wouldn’t have a clue what they were, and (in many cases) neither would he! I know of many marriages that foundered on the honeymoon, because ignorance was not bliss. These marriages ran the course, because, like I said, back then you married “for better or for worse,” so couples grimly stayed together, instead of enjoying a lifetime of taking joy and pleasure in each other in the bedroom.
I am not promoting promiscuity but I think it’s a good thing for couples to know each other, in and out of bed before taking the marital plunge. But in my day, this simply wasn’t done.
I went into marriage with what I term the “Cinderella” mindset – my husband was going to be all things to me at all times. He was going to be my Prince Charming, my protector, father of my children and would fulfill me in every way! Well, that sure didn’t happen!
He’d come home at night, utterly exhausted from an arduous day’s work , from a demanding and stressful job with a long commute tacked at the end of it, wanting nothing more than to eat his supper and then having a nice nap in his comfy armchair. I, on the other hand, having been confined to home while tending to three children, the oldest of which was 3, wanted him to entertain me and provide me with stimulating adult conversation! In a nutshell, I expected him to fulfill me!
What utter rubbish – the only person who could fulfill me was – in a word – me!
Don’t get me wrong – I loved my kids with all my heart, and absolutely refused to hand them over to day care and insisted on bringing them up myself. However, I was not an “earth mother” who got off on finger painting, reading “Winnie the Pooh” stories to my kids, or acting as a referee all day to prevent them from killing one another. So when hubby walked in through the door at night, I honestly expected the poor man to mentally stimulate and entertain me! How ridiculous and unreasonable is that?
The solution was really quite simple. I worked at night as a Tupperware Lady which not only got me out of the house, but also brought in sorely needed extra cash during those early, financially struggling years! I also took numerous night courses, where I learned so many fascinating and useful things. This served several purposes – it stimulated my mind, it challenged me, I got to meet many people and made lots of new friends, and it also gave me endless topics of conversation with my hubby, who found it all extremely interesting. It sure beat moaning to him about what a handful the kids had been on any given day.
So how do I view marriage, and love today? I think marriage is accepting your mate, warts and all, and not try to change him or her. This would be a fruitless endeavour anyway – you can’t change people, you can only change yourself, adapt and find the ways and means to make yourself a happy and contented person, in spite of whatever else is or isn’t going on in your life.
These are principles I apply even today, and for what it’s worth – it works for me.
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Good that it works for you. My experience, in terms of change, is that the best a woman can hope for when she picks a mate is that the woman who raised him left her something to work with; that shaping, molding, and directing the chosen male is a lifetime never finished, patience exhausting, teeth grinding endurance contest for her. But what do I know, I’ve only been married for 45 years.
Thanks for your comment oldbull – I think in a marriage both partners have to change as the years roll by – if they don’t, the marriage fails. One progresses and the other gets left behind, until they find communication between them impossible, and they no longer have anything in common.
I really appreciate your comment however, realizing all the while that your tongue was firmly lodged in your cheek when you wrote it!
A1…in a nutshell…..! xx
I think that goes both ways, OB.. Women need as much changing, reshaping, molding, etc.. as a man. We are all products of our upbringing and need to learn how to live and work w/ another person in a life partnership. Funny that we are taking these view in defending the opposite sex..lol. I just get tired of all the male bashing that goes on, when there’s enough blame to go around for both sexes.
Jojo, good blog about acceptance..and so true about not being able to change people. I agree that the key to happiness is finding out what it takes for you – not expecting that other person to figure it out for you and be your all in all. It’s common sense and takes a ton of pressure off your partner. Good advice, thanks. 🙂
old bull you should know yrom experience.
the best way to tell
Lofty
I agree with you Lofty – thanks for your comment.
No matter the length of time one is married to the same woman, most of we men have a propensity for thinking that there is someone better out there somewhere who could do more for us than our longtime spouse.! That delusion is in large measure, responsible for a great deal of hurt in our pluralistic society. The moral to the story, be thankful that your longtime partner hasn’t thrown you out long ago! A.M.
Ancientmariner, I think it’s not only men who have the propensity to believe that there is someone better out there – it’s human nature that applies to both sexes to think this way.
However, I totally agree with you that we should be thankful for our longtime partner who’s gone through thick and thin with us and realize the bond this creates, the cement that holds a marriage together.
Thanks so much for commenting
I loved my hubby from the first time I saw him. 35 years later, I wouldn’t swap him for quids. Yes we both have lots of “warts” and we laugh and tease each other about them. I left home and school at 14, he sent me to uni and helped developed my potential, he says I helped developed his caring side. We work, study,enjoy life together and went he walks into the room my heart still does flip flops. Love sex and marriage is the best thing that ever happened for me.
That is so beautiful, Skip.
Thanks so much for showing us Skippy that there are marriages around that were definitely made in Heaven. I’m so delighted that yours is such a marriage.
it is simply great to hear a true love story…x
~ I so wish I could be writing that skippy………..xxx
I readily understand your point of view Debz – in many respects, marriage is a crap shoot that sometimes ends in heartbreak. Not everyone is as lucky as Skippy and others are.
Me too debz………xo So happy for you skip xo
I agree with you foreveryoung – thanks so much for commenting.
Marriage is a combination of love ,sex and commitment, but I was only married 35 years ,and in that time we both changed each other ,in lots of ways ,can’t sped all that time together without changing .we each have our own individuality and it is in ourself we will grow by the experiences we go through together and apart.
I agree with you completely macathy – couples do change as the years go by. It sounds to me like you had 35 happy and eventful years with your husband, and I don’t doubt, a multitude of wonderful memories.
Thanks for commenting.
First time read for me. What a sensible blog, Jojo. I’m glad I had the opportunity to read it. Thank you.