LOVE & MARRIAGE IN MODERN TIMES

In my opinion, love is not demanding or expecting things of ones mate that he or she can’t for whatever reason provide.

The whole concept of sexual love has changed dramatically since I was young. Back then, you lived with your parents until you met someone who wanted to marry you and if the feeling was mutual, you got married and presumably lived happily ever after. As a woman, you were expected to remain “chaste” until your wedding night. Imagine going into marriage without having the least idea as to whether or not you and your mate for life (and it was expected to be for life, back then) are sexually compatible. But that was the way of things back in those days. Women who “did it” before marriage were called “sluts” and no “decent man in his right mind” wanted to marry them. They were just sexual playthings, not worthy of “being the mother of his children.” What a crock of you know what!

Frankly, I think this was just as bad for new husbands as it was for their inexperienced brand new wives. Imagine the responsibility of being her one and only, and introducing her to the (presumably) joys of sex in a marriage, when she wouldn’t have a clue what they were, and (in many cases) neither would he! I know of many marriages that foundered on the honeymoon, because ignorance was not bliss. These marriages ran the course, because, like I said, back then you married “for better or for worse,” so couples grimly stayed together, instead of enjoying a lifetime of taking joy and pleasure in each other in the bedroom.

I am not promoting promiscuity but I think it’s a good thing for couples to know each other, in and out of bed before taking the marital plunge. But in my day, this simply wasn’t done.

I went into marriage with what I term the “Cinderella” mindset – my husband was going to be all things to me at all times. He was going to be my Prince Charming, my protector, father of my children and would fulfill me in every way! He’d come home at night, utterly exhausted from an arduous day’s work , from a demanding and stressful job with a long commute tacked at the end of it, wanting nothing more than to eat his supper and then having a nice nap in his comfy armchair. I, on the other hand, having been confined to home while tending to three children, the oldest of which was 3, wanted him to entertain me and provide me with stimulating adult conversation! In a nutshell, I expected him to fulfill me!

What utter rubbish – the only person who could fulfill me was – in a word – me!

Don’t get me wrong – I loved my kids with all my heart, and absolutely refused to hand them over to day care and insisted on bringing them up myself. However, I was not an “earth mother” who got off on finger painting, reading “Winnie the Pooh” stories to my kids, or preventing them from killing one another. So when hubby walked in through the door at night, I honestly expected the poor man to mentally stimulate and entertain me! How ridiculous and unreasonable is that?

The solution was really quite simple. I worked at night as a Tupperware Lady which not only got me out of the house, but also brought in sorely needed extra cash during those early, financially struggling years! I also took numerous night courses, where I learned so many fascinating and useful things. This served several purposes – it stimulated my mind, it challenged me, I got to meet many people and made lots of new friends, and it also gave me endless topics of conversation with my hubby, who found it all extremely interesting. It sure beat moaning to him about what a handful the kids had been on any given day.

So how do I view marriage, and love today? I think marriage is accepting your mate, warts and all, and not try to change him or her. This would be a fruitless endeavour anyway – you can’t change people, you can only change yourself, adapt and find the ways and means to make yourself a happy and contented person, in spite of whatever else is or isn’t going on in your life.

These are principles I apply even today, and for what it’s worth – it works for me.