Life Choices
Firstly I apologise to my mates on here who have had various versions of this story over the past few days/months/years in PMs. Pasted and copied from one progress report to another. They wont mind, they are used to my long tales. And I cant thank them enough for their support. One of them suggested a blog. And I thought why not. If there are one or two people out there who relate to my real life struggle I may find another friend or two. You cant have enough when life gets tough.
What a rollercoaster my head and heart have been riding this last few weeks. I nearly lost my Mum on Monday morning. She has been suffering with a UTI not responding to antibiotics for several weeks now.
Many of you know I am living on my boat with my husband and springer spaniel, exploring the Mediterranean. We have been on this particular boat for 4 years now. Currently moored in Tunisia. But my 94 year old Mum is still a huge part of my life. Take a look at some of my earlier blogs if want to read about her. Last June we had a big family holiday in Croatia and my Mum was in the dingy, climbing up a ladder, on and off the boat, fitter than half my mates. 2 weeks later, she fell down her stairs, breaking 5 ribs and 2 vertebrae in her spine. In a spinal brace for 3 months in hospital. We had a family tag team of support. All long distance but we pitched in and took turns. She made a full recovery. Discharged in September back to her independent life once more. She is unbelievable. So I am living the dream and trying to support my Mum. Many of you know of my ongoing struggle to be in 2 places at once. Im guessing lots of you have experience of that.The deal has always been I stay on an easy jet route and every 3 Months we get together. She spent a month in Montenegro one year and the next we met up in France with a big family gathering. Or I fly back to her. More frequently this last year. I was so reluctant to leave my little sail boat in the sunshine 3 weeks ago; But my daily contact with Mum told me she was struggling, with a bloody UTI of all things. And now so many complications, mainly her heart and a chest infection. I tried so hard to keep her out of hospital but it was not to be. Weds she went from GP to A&E to hospital ward.
So Monday morning, her breathing was tortured and so noisy we were both scared. She had emergency treatment and 2 hours later was sat up in bed laughing and joking. She looks too well to be so ill. Im sure my poor daughter thought I was being a drama queen when she arrived. But on Tuesday a lovely respectful, kind but honest Doctor explained to us all what bad shape her heart is in. He made the decision to mark her file DNR. He explained resuscitation only works for 10% of people and that she would not be in that 10% due to her weakened heart. In the unlikely event that she was, her heart would continue to fail again and again. After a long discussion she and I agreed. There was no option. She will still get all essential care just no artificial life support. Now more antibiotics for UTI & chest infection. More bladder investigations.
My daughter and I visited Tuesday night expecting; depression and her giving up. But no. She was on good form. Had started eating and drinking. We had a lovely session planning lots of great family stuff for this year. Whether any of it will happen or not remains to be seen. But we will all give it our best shot. I am obviously not leaving her home alone. My travelling days are over for a while. Ray will have to get crew to get the boat back to the Uk. It was a torturous decision until I made it. There was never a choice really. Suddenly you do the right thing and all the overthinking stops. Im more at peace now.
I have no crystal ball but Im thinking 25% chance she will lose the battle. Especially if they find anything else dire. But there is hope, maybe an optimistic 75% that she will come home, frailer and needing some care. But that we will get to enjoy another chapter or two. Thank you for reading. Probably way too much information and sharing but its important to me that sometimes, we do share some real stuff.
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@tjay First of all, its not to much. No use telling half a story. I feel honoured you have been sharing your Mums journey with me lately. She is one tough cookie. She seems like a very strong , intelligent lady, an inspiration thats for sure. At 94 years of age, she puts the rest of us to shame. Such a great attitude. It is such a pleasure to be reading this blog,even though you have told me in emails, its nice to read it all together in one spot. Anytime day or night, you can contact me. If It happens to be in that 2 hours of sleep I get, I will reply as soon as I read it. Put your words down, even though I cant help from here, its good to get things off your chest. Take care of number 1. You. As your Mum needs you. X
Thank you so much @Grandmaj. It really does help me, to share my thoughts and have people who know me a little ‘bear witness’ Throughout this process I have been constantly sending updates to friends and family. I have become the queen of paste and copy. But as I talk to each person, they add something and I tweak my thoughts and it helps me process and move on. With our different time zones there is usually someone for a quick chat. But it doesnt matter if its days later. It nice to feel others are with you at difficult time. A pretty new contact sent me a light hearted ‘hows things’. She was the first to hear my travels are over for a while. But guess what ‘she has a Mum’. Bless everyone of you ❤️🙏
I say the same as Grandmaj. Not too much info and crucially there’s good news as well in your blog. The way your Mum bounces back is amazing and these, along with the great family holiday stories, are the memories being created that are the most important ones. Having some similar experiences with my Dad puts everything you have said into the proper perspective with me, so I can relate. Share as much as you want to.
Thanks @dj it means alot. And your Dad is home enjoying family once more so thats encouraging. All settled at the moment. 💔
@tjay
Oh, my heart goes out to you so much reading both this post and the DM you sent earlier. Thank you for being brave enough to share something so raw and real with us, because this IS the real stuff, and it matters more than any sunset photo or harbour update ever could.
First of all, your Mum sounds like an absolute force of nature. Climbing ladders and hopping in and out of dinghies at 94? She is magnificent, and it’s so clear where you get your strength and spirit of adventure from.
I can only imagine the tug of war you’ve been living with – the sunshine and freedom of the boat on one hand and your Mum back home on the other. That pull between two priorities is something so many of us understand, and there’s no handbook for it, is there?
Your mum is clearly a fighter, and she’s got the best possible reason to keep fighting, a family who adores her and shows up for her. The conversation about the DNR must have been one of the hardest you’ve ever had. The courage it took for both of you to sit with that, to listen, to agree together…that’s love in its purest, most grown-up, most painful form. You honoured her with that honesty, and she honoured you right back.
Whatever comes, whatever chapters lie ahead, whether they’re long or short, I know (even in the short time we’ve been communicating) they’ll be filled with so much love – because that’s just who you are.
Please don’t ever apologize for sharing the real stuff. This is what connects us. This is what reminds us all to pick up the phone, to book the flight, to say the things that matter. You’ve reminded me of that today and I’m grateful.
Sending you, your Mum, your whole family, the biggest, warmest hug from here. Keep us updated when you can. We’re all in your corner. 💗
Thanks Maizie. Mum is now back home. But very frail. One day at a time. 🤞But Im grateful for each day at the moment. 💔