JOKES FOR TODAY. :D

MONDAY
The
mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl
might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very wilful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in rebellion. He
then told her to arrange for her daughter to be
put on birth control and until then, talk to her
and give her a box of condoms.
Later that
evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the mother told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.
The
girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to
worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man
went to church one day and afterward he stopped to
shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher,
I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you
sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned
impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher
said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took
their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some
hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they
were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor
confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'
The next
morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle
of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for
me?'

'Just take two,'
Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your
father.'
THURSDAY
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with
another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor
apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before
the court on the charge of murder, she was asked
if she had anything to say in her own defence
.
'Your Honour
,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough
to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises
the long-term harm caused by the germs in
our drinking water. However, there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After
several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob,
a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up
at the Country Club with a breathtakingly
beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over
Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the
very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob,
how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked
over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob
replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only
50?'
Bob
smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was
90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were
traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining
that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put
out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She
then asked, 'What do you do in America with your
old goats?'
A
spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours. πŸ˜€

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Comments

    1. shadow Post author

      I will let you into a secret star if you promise to keep it a secret? I got it off Tania sssshhhhh!! lol πŸ˜€