HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF
A dear friend of mine once told me “You know Jo, it’s not how you feel about a man, nor is it how he feels about you, it’s how he makes you feel about yourself.”
Profound words with a ring of absolute truth in them. How we feel about ourselves as women, is reflected from the way the men we love think about us. If in his eyes we are beautiful, then we feel beautiful. If he treats our feelings with respect and values our opinion, that gives us confidence to trust and believe in ourselves.
There is no greater gift that a man can give a woman, in my opinion, than to make her feel she’s the most important thing in his life, that he treasures her above all else, and that, in his eyes she’s the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world.
I’m writing this from my perceptions as a woman – but I think the exact same principles apply to how we treat the men that we love.
I read an article the other day written by a psychologist who had interviewed 100 men who’d left their wives, not necessarily for another woman either. She found to her astonishment, that by far and away the most common reason was that they felt their wives didn’t appreciate them. They felt taken for granted, and even when they did something nice and thoughtful for their wives, in most instances, they didn’t even get a “thank you.”
I bet if this psychologist had carried out the exact same interview with 100 women who’d left their husbands, she would’ve had similar results.
Appreciation is so easy to give, it costs nothing. A little pat on the back once in a while is something we all need. An acknowledgment that our contribution to the relationship is recognized, valued and appreciated.
In point of fact, this principle applies to friends as well. You may forget what they said, you may forget how you met, you may in time, even forget what they looked like, but you will never forget how they made you feel about yourself.
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Enjoyed reading that jojo. Thank you. I like this sentance ” In point of fact, this principle applies to friends as well. You may forget what they said, you may forget how you met, you may in time, even forget what they looked like, but you will never forget how they made you feel about yourself.” becouse its so true!.
Thanks so much for your comment shadow. And yes, it does apply to friends as well.
JoJo – everyone is an individual. Doing what they do naturally is what makes them individual. We could all wear the same clothes, eat the same foods and do exactly what is expected of us under all circumstances, but it would be a pretty mundane existence. Its far more important to find somebody you mesh with, spontaneously and without alteration than looking for people who do the right thing all the time. Some of us are just grouchs…..lol
Hi Tony,
I agree that we are all individuals, but even as individuals we should be mindful of how we project ourselves, not only to our mates, but to the world at large. A kind word, a gesture of appreciation, an unexpected compliment goes a long long way. It costs nothing, so why do people hold back on giving it?
There is no other human quality I value more in life, than kindness and when I am a recipient of an act of outrageous kindness, it just blows me away.
I think that being “individual” doesn’t mean being undemonstrative, unappreciative, and insensitive to other people’s needs.
Thanks so much for your comment – it’s good to get your perspective on my blog. As you know, I think the world of you as a writer!
So true Jo. I was lucky to have a husband who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and he said I did the same for him. That’s a memory I’ll always cherish.
What a touching tribute to your husband sunflower. He was obviously a very special man, and he appreciated what a very special wife he had.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Jo Jo…Thank you for that meaningful piece. It is so true…and it does apply to men, women and friends! If we could all take it to heart, I think life would be more pleasant for us. Appreciation costs nothing…but the results are priceless!!
I couldn’t agree with you more Frantzwa – the rewards are indeed priceless.
Thanks so much for your comment.
That was a very interesting perception. However, I still believe that nobody can only make you feel good or bad about yourself unless you let them. When people talk about loving yourself first, it is always portrayed in a negative way, but as nobody can ever have the last word on what exactly love is, I think there is something to be said for it. If you don’t like or even love yourself much, it is very hard to believe that anybody else can and that is when the real problems start..
I agree that no one can make you feel good or bad about yourself without your permission, illgner, but trust me, if you grow up in a family where a parent constantly denigrates you, constantly tells you that you’re worthless, never praises any of your achievements, or if you’re unlucky enough to be in a marriage where your mate does the same (which I am not, thank God) it’s nearly impossible to have high self esteem. Ask any man or woman who’s gone through this.
Thanks for your comment.
there is no wonderful about you Helensopie there not a decent bone in your body
…it’s not how you feel about a man, nor is it how he feels about you, it’s how he makes you feel about yourself.” When first read, I thought this was very wrong, and so untrue; I thought it meant that I would value myself not only if a man found value in me but if he then chose to tell me about it. In after thought, (and it applies to men, women, and friends alike) “it’s how he makes you feel about yourself” really means that in this case a man chose to take the time and give his woman a gift by letting her know how wonderul, how cherished, how treasured she really is. Perhaps that she is beautiful, witty, gentle, tough, articulate, sincere, compassionate, passionate, and the list could go on and on. She doesnt derive her value from his gift. He enhances how she feels about herself, reminds her of what a wonderful person she is – celebrates the beauty of her. It has nothing to do with only having self worth and self confidence if it is given to you by a man. Quite the opposite!
It is all very nice if a partner tells you that, but I still think that he/she can tell you the most wonderful things and if the self love for want of a better expression, is missing, it is pointless. You would probably wonder why they were praising you when you weren’t worth it or there would always be a negative for any positive the partner may give. I totally agree with what you say Jo about the child being told they were worthless and growing up believing it, but, as for the adult in a marriage like that, well, there is always a time to get out before self esteem is crashed completely. I don’t say that lightly because in my years as a police officer I dealt with countless domestic issues and the answer to a lot of them as far as we were concerned was to get in and try to rescue a partner with enough esteem left to make them believe and act like they were worth more than they were getting in the partnership. This was applied to both sexes. Sometimes you could talk to victims until you were blue in the face, but if the person didn’t think they were worth it, they would stay put, often with disasterious consequences. I always try to remember to give compliments when deserved and praise when due. I have to say, you Americans are much better at giving and taking it more than us stiff upper lip Brits!
ilgner, I can only imagine how often, as a cop, you saw domestic violence and the sad truth is that abused women especially, go back again and again to their abusive partners, always believing his lies when he swears he will never lift a hand against her again.
I firmly believe that women should take lessons in self defense in school, and boys too for that matter. But if women knew how to defend themselves, violence against them would go down by leaps and bounds. Abusers are bullies who would definitely hesitate to raise a hand against their partners if they knew she could fight back.
Illgner, You raise a very valid point I had not thought of. And I had an abused daughter and granddaughter through domestic violence. My daughter has a sytrong personality, andf I would have bet my last dime that she would have killed a man who put out a cigarette on her. Yet, this man was able to isolate her, manipulate her, intimidate her. She became petrified and had lost all self worth accordingly. And there was nothing that I her mother could say to return her self worth. Again, a very valid point. Helen
It must’ve been absolutely dreadful foryou, Helen, to have watched your daughter being abused and ill treated, without being able to do a thing about it. I’m truly sorry this happened to her, and I hope she’s well out of that situation now.
It must be horrendous to sit and watch your childs confidence chipped away like that Helen. I used to notice a very strange anomaly, in as much as a man can be called “confident and upfront” dealing with a situation, but a woman was called “bossy”.in the same circumstances. There is a lot to be said for free Assertiveness Courses for both sexes. How to be confident,firm and able to put your point across but polite and respectful at the same time.
as always jo jo, a good read from you. 🙂
Thanks so much Polly, I really appreciate it.
Jo, I think you must have broken for the record for “replies.” It did stimulate a lively debate. Of course our opinions come from our own life experiences. My own personal feeling on the subject is you have to love yourself, have high self esteem. No one can give you that. But when you do have that self esteem and you fall in love with someone who really treats you special, that person’s love can make you feel 10 feet tall!
That is one of the most important things in a person, making other people feel good about who they are! not lying to them but focusing on their good points.