Hospital Capers.

I was asked by my son if I would write down some of the things that happened when I was in hospital after breaking my right hip and my left wrist while walking my neighbour’s dog on the adjoining green belt to where we live.

Alex the Cairn Terrier I was walking was getting on in years and someone came along with a puppy OFF the lead who decided to sniff round Alex.
This in turn caused the lead to wrap itself round my legs and with it being SO boggy in that particular spot I slipped and with me having Osteoporosis my bones could not deal with the fall.
I was only a few yards from my home thank goodness and hubby could see from the window what had happened. I went down like a ton of bricks and the next thing I remember was the Ambulance crew putting me very carefully on a stretcher to take me to the hospital. Hubby meanwhile took Alex back home and was back in time to go with me to the hospital.

While waiting to be assessed by a doctor to see what damage I had done I was given an injection to help relax me and ease the pain. This in turn made me feel extremely nauseous. My hubby and son were with me and I asked hubby to put my teeth somewhere safe because of retching. One of the nurses gave him some pale green paper towelling and told him to put them in there until she found a dish to put them in.
They bandaged my arm up that I had broken after cutting my clothes off while the doctor assessed me and asked what medication I was taking– if any.

After the assessment my hubby and son were told to go home because I would be having morphine and would probably be asleep so it would be better if they came the next day.
I was carted off and taken to a mixed ward and put on the bed. I was then surrounded by about six medical students firing questions at me while one was taking a swab of my mouth and then he set about shoving a swab up my duff. He rammed it up so hard I asked him if he was trying to clean my b****y tonsils.

When all that was over I was taken to another ward where it held six beds with other women in it thankfully. I was then hooked up to a saline drip and oxygen tubes up my nose and given morphine to help me get some sleep.
I did drop off to sleep and woke about six o clock just when they were dishing out the evening meal. I could not eat any and I refused the muck that they called soup. It was dished up in a stainless steel dish and was SO thick I had to ask if the decorators were in the hospital because it looked like wallpaper paste. You would have needed a knife and fork to cut it.
I found out that EVERYONE had complained about the food being dished up but no one would dare speak up about it. It was just at that moment I realized that I had not got my teeth in and I tried to ease myself up to look for them. I could neither see a dish with them in or any green paper towelling.
I rang my buzzer to get a nurse to ask her where they were. They were NEVER found so that did not help my sense of well being.
Oh Boy! This was going to be some stay in hospital.

I had some more morphine to help me sleep through the night BUT at 1-15am a nurse woke me up asking me my name and date of birth because she wanted to take my blood pressure. The reading appeared to be very erratic so she said she would get someone to take a blood sample. She went off and left the light over the bed glaring down on me. I could not move to turn it off so even though I’d had morphine I could not sleep. I lay there for ages and I could see the big clock on the wall quite clearly with having the light on. It was 2-20am before the person came to take the blood sample. I settled down or tried to with being in pain not only from my hip but my arm as well. Blow me at 4-30am I was woken again with a nurse asking me my name and date of birth because she was going to take my blood pressure again.

I wasn’t sorry to see dawn breaking because it was beginning to feel as though I was in a nightmare.
I refused the breakfast that was sent round mainly because I could NOT chew anything because even the toast looked as though it had surrendered. I did manage a cup of so called tea. Then later in the morning a nurse came to top and tail me. I know she was only doing her job but when she asked me to turn over on the broken hip I had to remind her that NO way could I do that and turning the other way was also difficult with having the broken wrist because I could not grip the side of the bed to help myself. She finally fell in that it would have to be the best way she could to wash me.

It was a gruelling day with being in terrific pain and during the morning the doctor came to me and drew the curtains round us to tell me what was in store for me. He had my notes in his hand and while talking to me a hand came under the curtain and put about six sheets of coloured paper on the end of the bed. The doctor said “ Oh it looks as though I have a few more notes about you” He picked the coloured sheets of paper up and started to read. He stopped and looked through all of them and said
“ These are NOT for me they are addressed to you!!!!!!!”
I asked him what they were and he said “They looked like some sort of e-mail and I have NEVER seen anything like them before.” The look on his face was of complete bafflement. I said “ Well in that case I am NOT surprised my teeth had gone walkabout because if you don’t know what was going on in the hospital you work in, it seems to be passed along through the working staff.”
He then said “ Did you say that you have lost your teeth?” Me, “No I did not lose them someone working for the hospital had AND before I left I would be filling in a claim form.”
He was apologetic about it and then explained about the op the next day. He still had a look of bewilderment on his face as he left me.
I sat reading the lovely e-mails that he had passed to me and they really did cheer me up although I could have yelled out with the pain.

My family were extremely worried about me when they came to visit. It cheered them up when I showed them the e-mails I was so thrilled about them I wanted the family to read them. I had never heard of this wonderful service and it seems as though Leicestershire is the only place that does it. While they were visiting the evening meal was brought round. I had asked for a bit of fish because it would be lighter on my stomach. I cant say that it looked appetising and the look on my family’s faces spoke volumes about the food. While they were with me the doctor came again and said that I would be operated on the next morning about 12oclock. They would probably have to pin the hip but it should heal well . I was satisfied to hear that and my family went home more at ease because I was going to get fixed up at last.

I was geared up the next morning to get the op over and done with. I was very impressed with the surgeon and the staff and I cannot praise them enough. I was still under sedation when the family came but everything had gone well. I found out afterwards that they had to set the wrist again while I was sedated when having the pin put in my hip because the wrist had not been put in the right position in the first place.

The next morning after the op they propped me up in bed to have some breakfast. There I was with the saline drip still in my good hand with my other one plastered up. I was trying NOT to put any weight on my right hip because it was sore from the op and where the clips were situated.
The person dishing out the food asked me what cereals I wanted but I told her I did not like cereals so she offered Ready Brek which I did not mind. A dish of Ready Brek straight out of the packet was dumped down in front of me with NO milk to go on it nor any sweetener. I was still waiting for the milk and sugar to appear when another person came and asked me if I would like any fruit. I said ‘Yes please’ thinking it would be grapefruit or something that would help keep my system working after all the pills and such had been shoved into me.
Imagine my shock horror when the person returned with a b****y banana and shoved it in the hand that I had the drip in. it would have made a great “Carry on “ film.
Just at that moment the doctor was walking towards me with my notes in his hand and I said to him “Are you doing anything with your spare hand?” He stopped dead and looked at the hand that had nothing in it and said “ No why did you ask?”
I said well I had been given Ready Brek with no milk or sugar plus a ruddy banana that I could neither unzip with my hand or my teeth because some bright spark had lost them and I was feeling like a b****y redundant monkey propped up there.” He burst out laughing and said “ You have made my day”
I could see the comical side of it myself as I said “ Well I wish some b****r would make mine and bring me some hot milk and sugar AND unzip this sodding banana.”
The doctor went to rouse them up to bring the milk and sugar and he also unzipped my banana.

After that so called breakfast I was topped and tailed and had my blood pressure taken again. I was beginning to feel weary by that time and I can remember looking at the big clock noticing that it was just coming up to 10-45am. I must have fallen into a deep sleep because the next thing I knew I woke up to see an Indian gentleman standing at the side of the bed with some papers in his hand . The conversation went as follows.
He………….You Masai?
Me ………..No I am English
He…………….No No you Masai
Me …………..I should know what I am and I have just told you I am English.
He……………No you Masai.
Me by his time getting a little irate. …………..Do I look like a b****y warrior I keep telling you I am English .
He showing me the papers which turned out to be more e-mails and pointing to my name. ……See you Masai.
I realised then that he was trying to say my name. I had to giggle and I said that I was sorry that I did not understand him but my name was pronounced Mazeee not Masai.
He then handed me another 8 e-mails and they were such a wonderful pick me up.

It was a gruelling time while in the hospital because I could not read due to the fact I could not hold a book up too long with the drip in my hand but I gradually progressed to getting out of bed to sit in the chair by the window so at least I could see the birds nesting in the eaves and with being in the chair I could observe more activity going off down the ward.
I sat there one day and had been having a laugh with some of the other women in the ward who were feeling a bit down when a young woman came up to me talking VERY la de da saying “32 West Street” I asked her what the heck she was talking about and she said “Oh never mind but can you count from 20 backwards? “ I was by this time rather bewildered and said “Yes I can also say the alphabet backwards. Can you? “ I realised that she had come to assess me in the thinking department and whether I had got all my faculties. She waved her hand airily and said “Oh never mind we will leave that question but do you know when the First World War started.” I was by this time getting quite steamed up and the other ladies in the 6 bed ward was listening to the way she was speaking to me.
I replied “ Yes I did know when the First World War started plus I went through the Second World War and hadn’t they taught her anything at s*****g the school she had been to.” She went a bright red and said that she would leave it at that. As she moved away I called her back and said “ 32 West Street “ just to let you know that I had remembered the trick question to see if I was losing my marbles.
I never saw her again. I WONDER WHY!!!!!!!!

I was in my third week at this particular hospital and improving slowly and was told that I may be moving nearer home which would make it better for my family to visit. This cheered me up but unfortunately I had to stay in another week after them telling me that because I had another health visitor come to see me with her big identity tag hanging round her neck. She bent over me asking how I was and I answered that I was feeling a lot better. She got up abruptly and at the same time got the identity tag hooked round the needle that was still feeding me in the vein in my hand. It pulled the needle out of the vein and blood was spurting out everywhere. Panic stations when nurses were rushing to me to stop the blood flowing and to get me back into bed. I passed out and when I finally came round
I was told that it would put me back a week before I could go to the hospital nearer home.

I finally made it the following week to my local hospital and boy was I pleased to be on home ground.
At least it was cleaner and the food was a lot better plus I could still get the lovely e-mails from worldwide wishing me well.