FUNNY SAYINGS AND QUOTES

Short Funny Sayings

UFO’s are real. It’s the Air Force that doesn’t exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

Marriage is Grand… Divorce is 20 Grand…

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Be creative, invent a perversion.

MONEY TALKS… but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?

If plugging it in doesn’t help, turn it on.

I’m in shape… round’s a shape isn’t it?

I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say “Trust me”.

I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re upside down.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

WYTYSYDG – What You Thought You Saw You Didn’t Get

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

I’ve got a… uh… uh… Oh yeah – a photographic memory!

Is that seat saved? No, but we’re praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering – save all the parts.

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I call things as I see them; If I didn’t see them, I make them up!

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

SHIN – A device for finding furniture in the dark.

It’s only a hobby… only a hobby… only a hobby…

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

They put smoke in every electronic component, thats why if the smoke gets out the component is stuffed.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!

Reality-ometer: [……..] Hmmph! Thought so…

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

“We are upping our standards… so up yours!”

NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.

Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?

Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy’s opinion.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken….

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator…

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.

Thunderclap – an extremely violent form of VD.

Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are….. SCARED!

Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.

I’m not a complete idiot… Several parts are missing!

I’ve got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!

“Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?”

Why can’t women leave the lid up?

Mommy! The cursor’s winking at me!

But what if I’m a figment of MY imagination?

In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

Liberal tagline: friends don’t let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you’re sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife… pickle a squirrel.

Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.

Visit your money this year – vacation in Washington, D.C.

If sanity were dollars I’d be bankrupt.

McBorg’s — over half a billion assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be… ooooohh, doughnuts!

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you’re upside down!

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I’ll kill you!

I’m not FOR apathy, and I’m not AGAINST it.

Save the chocolate moose!

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I brake for brick walls.

Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!

I’m so poor, I can’t even pay attention!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta pawn it off on someone else.

We will, we will, pun you!

My life is not organized around high probability events.

If you do not have a touch-tone phone press 1 now.

Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

I may not be right, but I’m never wrong!

Be consistent – but don’t do it all the time.

I’m positively enameled with this subject.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Rabbits reproduce like taglines.

Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.

Hi, my name is John, and I’m a closet lurker.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am… dangerous.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

People have one thing in common, they’re all different.

Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.

Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a tagline writer.

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