FORGIVENESS
FORGIVENESS
C 2009 JoJo
I want to talk about the above topic, which is very seldom discussed openly, but it’s one that is on my mind right now. I inadvertently hurt and angered someone I once loved; I apologized the minute I realized my offense, and asked for forgiveness, but I don’t believe it will ever be given.
We all do and say stupid things in our lifetimes, and regret them bitterly. Not being forgiven for them, is carrying an extra burden, but not for the offender who has requested it but for the one who’s unforgiving. I know this from personal experience.
Mine was not a happy childhood. My father was a man with a hair trigger temper and a violent disposition. The least infraction on my part, earned me a beating. Even something as minor as getting in his way was enough to make him lash out and hit me – usually across my head. I was, quite frankly, terrified of him and avoided him at all costs.
I actually remember when I was just 3 years of age, saying my prayers and asking God to take Daddy away and make him never come back.
I went on enduring this physical abuse until my 21st birthday. I was giving myself a 21st birthday parted and had asked him to please drive me to the store so I could buy the food necessary to entertain my guests. He became enraged and he raised his hand to beat me, as he’d done throughout my life. For the first time in my life, I stood up to him. I told him if he ever hit me again, I would leave his house and he’d never see me again. What is more, I told him I would let everyone in the British Community know about the beatings he’d given me all my life. He lowered his hand and he never raised it against me again. But his verbal abuse escalated and I don’t know which was worse.
Whatever I set out to do, he’d adopt a negative attitude. “Why do that? You know you’re going to fail, don’t you?”
The point is, I blocked him out of my life. I carried around a burden of resentment and hatred in my heart for a great many years.
When he died, I didn’t grieve for the father I knew, I grieved for the father I’d never had.
And still I didn’t forgive him.
His youngest brother, my Uncle Denys, (whom I fondly called “Wilky”) became a surrogate father to me. He lived in New Zealand and we corresponded with each other for years. One day, he wrote me a letter in which he vividly described his and my father’s childhood, which I’d never known about before.
Their father (who’d died before I was born) was an alcoholic, and my father was his whipping boy. In the early days, they were wealthy and had a beautiful home with a tennis court. However, Grandfather drank his way through all the family money, lost his business and they were literally starving – but he always had his booze while the family went hungry.
Dad was pulled out of school at age 14 and forced to work in a plant nursery, slaving long hours for slave wages. The money he earned kept food on the table – barely.
Dad absolutely loathed rice and refused to eat it. I never knew why – apparently, that’s all the family had to eat for months because that’s all they could afford to buy.
Every morning, Grandfather would put on his boots and summon Dad to polish them, by crouching on the floor at Grandfather’s feet. And according to Wilky, the polishing was never up to Grandfather’s expectations, and he would kick his small son and send him flying.
When I read Wilky’s letter, I wept with pity for that small boy who could never polish his father’s boots well enough and who got beaten for his pains. I can only imagine his terror every morning, when summoned by his father to perform this task, knowing he’d get a beating at the end of it, no matter how hard he tried to do the best job he could.
I cried for the 14 year old boy who toiled 12 hours a day, lugging soil, digging, planting, and carrying the burden of feeding his family on his frail shoulders.
And I forgave him. I forgave him wholeheartedly.
And something amazing happened. I felt as if the world had been lifted off my shoulders! Life took on a completely different dimension. I saw beauty around me where before I’d seen nothing out of the ordinary; the air smelled sweeter and my heart sang with a pleasure that was new and completely unfamiliar to me.
Anger, resentment, hatred and carrying a grudge uses up a lot of energy. It robs you of joy, inner peace and serenity. It steals precious bits and pieces of your heart away, and erodes your very soul. I found to my astonishment, that in forgiving my father, I did myself the biggest favour of my life.
I remember two sayings in connection with forgiveness which say it far better than I ever could. They are:
1) He who refuses to forgive burns a bridge over which he himself one day must cross;
2) Refusing to forgive someone and carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person
will die.
We all make mistakes in our lives, and we all at one time or another, need to be forgiven, not only for our sakes, but even more so for the sake of the person doing the forgiving.
Recommend0 recommendationsPublished in Senior Chatters
Jojo sorry for the hurt your father bestowed upon you,glad you were able to forgive,as you say resentment robs away pieces of your heart,I always say that “we forgive and forget ” or else we haven’t really forgiven.
Hi macathy I have forgiven him but cannot forget the abuse he heaped on me because I am reminded of it daily with the pain of arthritis which has set into his old injuries.
Thanks so much for your comment
I’m sorry for what happened in your childhood. I also had an abusive father. I can only remember not being comfortable when he was home. A lot of cursing and breaking things. I can remember that whenever he would come home and open the door I would look for his facial expressions. If he had a smile, then it was ok to smile, if he had that terrifying look, watch out and for heaven’s sake don’t look happy. That went on until I was 13 when mom finally told him to leave us. For some reason I don’t remember the really bad stuff that mom would tell me about him, but I believe her totally. To this day if I encounter anybody I look for the facial expressions. A habit I will probably never break out of. I remember telling someone that I am like a mirror; whatever expression that you see on my face is a reflection of what I see.
After I was married and had our 2 daughters, I went to see my father in Montreal, where he was living. When I went, all my brothers and sisters had gone to see him before. I felt uneasy to go but I told mom I was going. She never said a thing at the time. But later she told me that when I went to see him it had tore her heart because she had raised us alone for so long and we belonged to her. Mom did and still does a lot for us.
After my father past away, mom told me that one day my father was annoyed when I was talking too much, so he grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me against the wall. Mom says I was no more than 2 years old then. It was only then that it made sense that I was so silent in school; I never said a word in class, I only stood during recreation. It was almost like if I wanted to be invisible. I had read about my gemini sign after I was married and I had wondered why everything seemed likely except for the part of being very sociable. I could not see how come I was not that way until mom told me about that episode.
Forgiveness. I will forget what someone did against me until and incident will trigger my memory. I have seen myself talking with someone and then, out of the blue, a gesture, a word, a facial expression will remind me of something that the person has done to me; I had completely forgotten about it. So for me if the person has not done it again, then it is just a memory, a flash from the past. I will be careful afterwards and will not be as trusty as I was when I started the conversation.
Also, depending on the situation, a statement made may or may not have an impact. I notice that as I get older I am more forgiving to statements made. I recognize that I may say something that comes out somewhat bad if I am talking to someone I love or trust; because you talk openly and freely. So I give the benefit of the doubt to anyone.
I hope that time does heal the situation for you and your friend jojo.
Hi David,
It’s amazing how many of us had abusive fathers, and I’m so sorry to hear yours was too. Your mother did the right thing booting him out and I take my hat off to her for having the courage she did. I wish my mother had done this too, but there you are – she was as scared of him as I was, even though he never struck her even once. He’d lose his temper, and she’d give him his way.
I think it’s incredibly generous of you not to harbour grudges, which you obviously don’t because you have to be reminded of an offense, when you meet someone who’s offended or hurt you in the past. You’re a better person than I am David – I never forget them. Put them behind me yes, forget them never!
How utterly dreadful that your father threw you against a wall when you were just two. I wonder what sort of a childhood he had which resulted in so much unresolved anger? People don’t become vicious and cruel by chance – something has made them that way.
I think you learned that being “invisible” was the best protection for yourself, so it became a learned behaviour.
Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing your past experiences with us – I really appreciate it.
Jojo, I admire the time you take to respond to everyone’s comment. I wish I had that discipline.
Thank you.
Hi David,
I love it when people comment on my blogs, and I feel the very least I can do is to show my appreciation. Thanks so much for your comments.
I dont talk about the past but all I can say to you jojo and davidrv is xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Thanks so much grandmaj and here it is right back at you xoxoxoxxoxoxoxox
i loved reading this jo jo, and i do remember you telling me about him back when you first came on here. a very sad story it is too. 🙂
Thanks for your comment Polly – I really appreciate it.
It’s sad to start life like that Jojo but you’ve certainly broken the circle. You seem to be a very understanding and compassionate person who manages to see the beauty in life. I’m glad forgiving your father has released you from any burdens.
Hi Sunflower – I had the most wonderful mother in the world, without whom I wouldn’t have survived my childhood. She was unfailingly kind, loving, compassionate and a brilliant painter – I think I learned compassion and understanding from her and she certainly taught me to believe in myself, no matter how hard Dad tried to undermine my self confidence.
Thanks so much for your comment – I really appreciate it.
Thank you for your story Jojo….it is so true…a lot of people cannot forgive…maybe because they think they are saying what happened was OK…not so…My son-in-law was volatile and uinpredictable…not surprising when we heard what his father was like..we were the only family he had but he had forgiven his father…even though they had no contact. Sadly he died at the age of 40 suddenly and left a 3 year old and a widow 33 years old. His father came to the funeral and this was the first time we had seen him for years… We have since heard that he is a broken man, How sad it is when this happens in a family.
xxxx M
Morvenna, my father died at a comparatively young age too, but not as young as your son-in-law. I think that in both cases, their type A personality hastened their deaths, because volatile people are tense and fly off the handle at the blink of an eye, and as we all know tension does terrible things to the body. I am sorry your daughter was widowed at such a young age too, and I completely agree with you, that it’s sad when this happens in a family.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Thank
Jojo, I found your story really moving and also that told by David – really, really sad that you both had to endure so much hurt and conflict in your young lives. Thank goodness you both managed to survive. God bless both of you x
Kingfisher, thanks so much for your comment. I was also moved by David’s story which in so many ways, reflected mine.
But I also believe what the great German philosopher Nietsche said, that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
JoJo,
There is no healing power to regret; that is given only to forgiveness. It’s good you have come to terms with that and moved on. One’s perception is their reality and we must always remember to be careful and allow them that, even if it conflicts with out own reality. Very well done.
Thanks Tony for your comment. I agree with you that having regrets is a fruitless exercise, leading only to misery and grief. What is done, is done and can’t be undone and if forgiveness isn’t granted, when it is requested, the regrets should be discarded and forgotten.
I’m not sure what you mean when you say one’s perception is someone else’s reality, but think you’re saying that what is my reality, might not be anyone else’s and theirs should be respected even if it conflicts with mine – if this is what you were meaning, I entirely agree.
Thanks so much for your comment – it means a lot to me.