Finding ‘The Child Within Us’.

FINDING THE CHILD WITHIN US

When we are children we are part of and also witness to many events, each day is filled with voices, people, visuals and actions as they are also in adulthood. These events during our early formative years gives us the opportunity to learn that we have emotions and thoughts concerning what can be confusing and frightening times, as well as the joyful and playful moments and as we have limited language skills and cognitive abilities to see the reality of an event we rely on adults to assist us and care for our own sense of self and safety.
It is important to remember that parents can only teach a child what they know and what skills they been taught themselves, so in many cases it is not that we are raised by ‘bad’ parents’, in many cases it is simply that the parents had limited skills and resources available to them during our very important formative years.

For most of us there are adults who will see any confusion or fear and take positive steps to reassure us. They will ask questions to gather information so that they may help us to understand what we are seeing or hearing and give us the opportunity to explore what we feel and the safety and time to express the confusion, fear or any emotions that are felt. In this way as children we are shown not just by words but also by the reality of these actions that we are valuable and worthwhile people. That what we have to say is heard and accepted by others as valuable and never as bad or wrong, silly or stupid. This self-esteem is vital if we are to grow with a strong sense of ourselves to take into our adulthood life.

It is a platform from which we judge our own decisions and take steps to keep ourselves safe in all we attempt. Knowing that we can make choices, make mistakes safely, without self negative judgement and to feel joyful as we continue to learn and grow simply as human beings.
A child will also witness events that are unpleasant in reality, be it an illness that results in treatment that can be painful or frightening, witnessing arguments with anger expressed verbally and or physically, or by being harmed in any way by those that will take advantage of a child’s vulnerability.
A child can often form very strong attachments with any others that provide them with comfort and a sense of being safe. This can be an adult, teacher, friend or a sibling so if that person ‘disappears’ from the child’s life for varied reasons, this will lead to even more pain and confusion and a child will often then refuse to allow another to fill that place in fear of them leaving, The child when not given the reality and honesty of why a person is no longer in the child’s life as before, the child will look inside for the reason, their own perception of ‘why’ will be that it is somehow their fault, that they ‘made’ the person leave as they were not ‘good’

Already a survival skill has been learned and acted on by the child. The child will instinctively distance themselves from others during their formative years and take this into adulthood, as the fear of loss is too great The adult perceives that all relationships that ‘end’ is because of their own inadequacies.
Plus a child may also become a very ‘needy’ child and cling desperately to any person that shows care and gives the minimal of attention; this too travels with the child into adult life. Either of these survival skills will be met with a negative reaction that again reinforces the learned fear and perceptions.

Now whilst that is a very simple and brief outline of what children need and do not always receive, what is not so simple to outline briefly are the effects on a child who does not receive the care and nurturing that is so vital.

In adulthood we can become aware of a sense of not feeling ‘right’, a sense of fear in some situations that prevents us from completing specific or even general tasks. Also from relating in a secure and confident way with others. Relationships are sometimes impossible to maintain, to communicate thoughts and feelings become a constant battle.
A continual sense of failure is present and as our sense of our own self worth is low, and in many cases even non-existent. An increasing and strong pervading sense of tiredness touches every moment of our lives. Making decisions becomes increasingly more difficult as confidence drops lower with each self-perceived failure. We will often unknowingly sabotage our own efforts to achieve our goals as to ‘succeed’ can in itself feel threatening.

We can find ourselves thinking/feeling that our lives are just a continuous negative cycle that cannot change; in fact we are unaware that it is even possible for us to change any single aspect of our lives.
We can become ‘people pleasers’; a way to gain some sense of worth and value, as there is no sense of this within ourselves. Positive comments from others are the only way we know how to gain that sense of self worth. To say ‘no’ to a request is virtually impossible, we know logically at times that the request is not always something we wish to do, but the feelings inside us prevent us from doing what is right for ourselves.
We do not know what is right for ourselves, only a new awareness that we know what is not right. In fact saying ‘no’ does not ‘feel safe’ at all as the fears of at times unknown consequences are very strong.
Also we can become adult’s, who have to ‘control’ every situation; everything must be done ‘our’ way, only ‘our’ way is right. This comes from an overwhelming sense of lack of safety. To control others means that we feel safer as we can control and therefore predict all outcomes, again a safety technique learned from childhood but a self destructive one when taken into our adult life.

Having little sense of ‘who’ we are renders us helpless in the world as we are very vulnerable to those that will take advantage of this and as we do not have the skills to protect ourselves the cycle continues and grows in strength.

Again this is an attempt to simply outline some of the effects that adults will struggle with when their sense of worth is less than it needs to be. These effects touch all parts of their lives and the struggles confirm the lack of esteem held

Once steps are taken to look at our lives and what we are feeling about the place we find ourselves in we open ourselves up, exposing all the places that are unfilled. Many memories of childhood have been forgotten or are at least fragmented.
We are aware that when faced with certain situations that we are fearful or in others the feeling of anger, confusion and sadness will arise. For many there is a sense of an emotion/feeling but the emotion itself seems unidentifiable. Again logically we battle these emotions/feelings on an adult level.

The fight however is in vain as once the questions are asked of ourselves we are in fact seeking answers from a part of ourselves that we have been unaware of. This part of our selves is the ‘child part’, the part of us that did not receive what was vital to their emotional and physical growth, and the child part begins to be aware of the questions. Safety was withheld in many areas, for example the safety to express what was felt at the time of any event, any confusion, fear, anger or sadness was discouraged, or if expressed negative consequences occurred, teaching the child that silence is safer.
Negative consequences can be just the simple dismissal of a question or a display of emotion. This teaches the child to keep silent, not to feel but to fear all that is unclear. Other consequences can be more of a physical nature, but the effects on the child are the same, and these effects are taken into adulthood.
In an event when the child is bewildered, scared, confused, overwhelmed visually, physically and or emotionally there is an immediate reaction by the conscious mind to take that event and the child’s emotions/feelings and even physical pain away. It is held in a place back in the sub conscious, simply stored, as a file would be stored.

Each time the mind protects the child in this way a collection of memories of events are removed from the child’s conscious memory, so a part of the child is removed also. On many occasions the mind reacts so instantly out of urgency and need to protect the child that blocks of times before and after the event itself are also removed from the child’s memory.

If this were not to happen the child would be overwhelmed by these events preventing the child from functioning in a cognitive and generally highly successful way that allows them to progress and in relevant safety into adult hood. It is then that many people begin to search for a safe place and a safe person to begin to seek the missing information, and to reclaim the missing parts of the child that will make them complete.
A journey of self-discovery begins; a search for the ‘lost child’ begins. It is hard, long and very challenging work. It is declaring to another who is able and willing to hear both the child part and the adult. To find that ‘child part’ means allowing ourselves to feel emotions, to remember events that until this time have not been safe to do so. So time is needed to ensure the child’s sense of safety, to allow that child part to know the adult. To find each piece of the child and to encourage with words and actions so that the child within will remain with us.

To allow the child part to have a voice, to hear what they have to tell us. The information that has not been able to be accessed before can at times be powerful and overwhelming. Patience is needed not only for the child part but also for the adult, once connected with that child part within then communication is vital. Simple words, be they written or verbal will be heard by the child within us. That part also may wish to slowly express their own words, their own memories of events, to express their own reality of their world as a child and to be heard simply and safely.

It is also very important to retain our sense of adulthood and to be able to continue to function in the adult world. It is vital that the child part is not held responsible for all events in our lives, all our interaction and struggles.
We must take responsibility for our actions as adults and not place the responsibility on the child within. To do so is to confirm past lessons and the cycle remains constant. Also during this time of discovery we are often aware of ‘triggers’ that can bring forth a torrent of various emotions.

Logically we may even know that the event or person is not responsible for the feelings, thoughts and emotions. Time is needed to separate the present day event from the remembered past event and to separate the emotions felt. Others are not responsible for the cause of our past experiences, and skills are needed so that neither blame nor responsibility is placed where it does not belong.

Also there is a time to let the child rest safely within us, accepting that the child has given to us all that they held and therefore all that they can.

To deny ourselves finding the child within is to deny who we truly are. We deny ourselves the right to search for ‘who’ we are and ‘why’ we are who we are. The child holds the answers to all of our questions; the child part of us holds the key to our emotions, to where our fears lay. The child part is safe for us to know and to hold. As they are simply that, the child we once was, and a child who has waited to be at last simply acknowledged and heard.

Often it takes a ‘professional’ to guide us through this journey, to find that child within, to be able to hear what they have to say, to be able to hear their hurt, pain, anger and confusion and all the self-blame that children instinctively take on. Only then can we give that small child that we once were the guidance, the comfort and safety to express themselves in safety. Try and see that small child siting alone and just sitting and waiting…waiting for someone to sit beside them, quietly and gently and then to take their hand and to bring t
hem home to where to adult is…that is the beginning of healing…