do you ever feel….

like not waking up the next morning and that you have had enough? I go to bed every night thanking God for the day and telling Him to take me as I have had enough of this life. I have had enough of everything..happiness, sadness, richness, pleasures..everything. There is nothing else I want. I feel there is another life in another universe waiting for me. I look up to the skies and I see many galaxies.....it fascinates me!
People tell me it is wrong to wait for death..but do you know every night when you sleep you are actually not here either. You are lost in another world....not aware of yourself as you go into deep sleep. Waking up the next morning is a bonus...another day and another moment.

We live each day as if the next is coming. we fail to realise that what we have is only that moment. we plan long term, dream long term....and in the process forget to live the moment. I was given two shocks and kick starts to stop dreaming and waiting for next week or month or year to do something.Tomorrow was always there and I had things to do tomorrow. I wanted to travel, go to England, go to Kashmir.....but it was always next year.

The day I got the shock and had stenting done my doc atted on my back and said..enjoy ur life.....worries and shortcomings will always be there.....live your life!!I felt like God telling me something. I changed tht day. I live my day and we all should, do what you need to do now!!! Not afterwards!

A friend invited me on cruise....bless his soul....he was the best thing that ever happened...i enjoyed the cruise...free....on vast seas..under the stars,,,in the middle of nowhere at times. Everyone should go on a cruise..sit on the deck at night and look up at the stars....we look at ants under them. I felt I was nothing and they overwhelmed me. I would love to see the northern lights.....I am told they are a sight to behold.!! One day.....

I am going to Kashmir in May...they say it is Paradise on Earth....I orgainsed a trip for senior citizens and am taking them. I want them to see it to. many of my friends want to do things but are afraid...afraid of their children, afraid to die in another place..afraid afraid afraid...
This is one attempt to do something...wish me luck

anyone wishing to come to malaysia....I am here..come!!

do you ever feel…. was last modified: March 15th, 2014 by anjali
Published in Senior Chatters

9 thoughts on “do you ever feel….

  1. nmod

    There are times when I wonder what the future holds ,specially when I’m in a lot of pain …but have never wished to be dead . Death will come on it’s own accord when my time is up …that’s for sure ..so I feel there’s not need for me to ask or to wish for it .
    Life is a precious gift …and sometimes I feel I don’t do enough in a day to say I have thoroughly enjoyed it … But I try to be grateful for the many gifts that life has bestowed on me …I don’t live in fear …for a life lived in fear is a life half lived …I’m at peace with myself and those Who are important to me …life is good .
    Have a wonderful trip ! I’m sure you will enjoy it 🙂

  2. Debbie4958

    Enjoy enjoy enjoy. You are right we don’t know what pleasures or happiness tomorrow might bring, so don’t wish it away being dead. If you had got what you wanted you would have missed out on your cruise and going on your trip. Enjoy life to the full everyday. Try to have no regrets and be kind to others. Have a great time away

    1. anjali Post author

      I am learning to handle those thoughts. I have come to the realisation that I cannot take life for granted and expect to see a tomorrow. I hope to see one and have plans to do things. But I know there is no surety tomorrow is there. It is the present moment. Do not get me wrong…i do not fear death or look forward to it. I know there are only two sure things..death and birth. Everything else is not. In my religion we are taught to be aware of it and do things which will be of service to mankind and good in the eyes of God. We are thought never to to take time for granted and do what you can now. Service is important.

      I worry a lot about my children and this effects my health. I get into depression because my family takes me for granted. I am trying to help myself get out and do things myself and not be scared to voice out. I am trying. Orgainsing this trip has given me a purpose

      Thank you for responding. I feel someone is listening to me and I have a voice

  3. starlette

    Anjail, your blog is tinged with sadness, but then you go on to say all the wonderful adventures you have planned………..i certainly do not go to bed hoping i will not wake up, and i do try and live in the moment i am in, i know how fragile life can be, learnt that many years ago with the loss of my hubby, he was 37………. something’s have to be planned to a degree, your cruise for instance………and yes i agree, everyone should go on one, pennies permitting of course, i have been on two, and they really are something……enjoy your future travels. x

  4. anjali Post author

    I think I am a strange person. I have so much of sadness in me and yet I plan and do things to make myself happy. I plan to go on holidays, only because i want to see thwe world. When I was in the university, years ago, I was always on the move. I started a club, organised events to raise money for a social course, played every field game and yet had time to study. Friends use to wonder where I had the time and energy. I had no answer. When I got married, I had two children while studying my Masters. I had no extra help and I managed. I even went for my runs…in short I had all the time to do everything!

    Things began to change as family responsibilities grew. I realised I needed to earn as I have to pay for privt education for the kids. I started a training company and started teaching part time, over and above my full time job. I knew this would not be enough. I then into textbook writing….here I made enough royalities to send my daughter overseas for a medical degree. I knew she would make the grades and I had promised her if she did…I would send her. i can proudly say she is a doctor now. Then I had to look into my son. The father insisted he too go abroad…..and I had to slog again. You may ask what does my husband do. he has a salaried with a fixed amount. Fixed salaries cannot pay for any private education. Then you may ask about public universities…here we have a quota system. Even with excellent grades the non Malays do not get opportunities.
    I thus worked and slogged again. My son, not wanting to disappoint anyone especially his father, went to the UK but could not adapt to the situation. He went into severe depression. After two years, with a help of a friend, I brought him back. that made a huge hole in my pocket but i was glad he was back. As long as I have my health I can earn. He began all over in a uni here again.
    Private education here is expensive especially skilled courses. nevertheless I am glad things worked out.

    an outcome of these situations, I started to turn to God for help. I always put on a smile and noone believes I could have insecurities within me. Prayers and strangers came to my rescue. In my worst times, someone would come and lend me a shoulder. when I lose faith….someone comes and rekindles it.

    where is my husband all this while you may ask. He is around but financially he knows I will be able to do it. I do not want to argue with him nor do I tell him to do anything. I just take the responsibility. Thus the years of work and work and work nd nothing else took a toll. I developed health problems and a the age of 55 had a heart problem which required stenting. I re evaluated my life then.
    Today, I want to live again but I do know my days are numbered. prayers and religious beliefs are important. service is important. helping others is important. I like to put smiles on the faces of people.
    Thus every morning at 5 am I help afew people make food to feed the street people and all those illegal migrants who come to the sikh temple looking for food. I have taken over planting plants at our place of worship. I spend some money every month buying stuff to plant. I have a few volunteers who come and help and these are boys from India who want to do something to repay the kindness the sikh temple gives them

    Life is nice but thoughts of it ending are always there. I want to be able to answer Him…..the question….what have you done for another to put a smile on that person’s face? waht have you done to alleviate another’s sorrow? I have been blessed with so much…..what have I done to make another feel blessed?

    Life can be simple and yet complicated! Bless you all for reading

  5. vonMichael

    Hi anjali, for the case I analyse your lines correctly you’ve always been there for others except for yourself. That of course takes a toll. What do you think about taking speed out of your doings so your days won’t be numbered. Care more for yourself that makes a change.
    Good luck Michael

Leave a Reply