DEAR WIFE

Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.

I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing

to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called

to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut,

had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk

boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all

of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex

or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating

on me or yo u don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband,

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West

Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true that we’ve been married for seven years, although a good man

is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because

they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You looked just like a girl!’ and since

my mother taught me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice,

I chose not comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have

gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven

years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because

the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was

coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me

that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it

out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit

my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the

fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you

wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I do hope that’s not a problem.