Dear Mr Taxman

Dear Mr Taxman,
all is forgiven. You will be ever so pleased to know that my T-shirt is washed, I am now showered and free of all stickiness and my pending alcoholism has been put on hold. I have a found a copy of my P60.
At the earliest opportunity (not tonight I am at Choir tonight and the noise of the singing makes it impossible to concentrate on form filling) , I shall attempt to decipher the self assessment, guess what it all means, sit gazing for hours at the help notes before deciding they are of no help at all (other than to get out of making a cup of coffee with the excuse "Sorry I can't I am filling in my self assessment"). I will then apply my own unique circumstances which are very much a squiggle rather than any definite shape and force then to fit into your tiny square hole of a form (incorrectly of course) and return it to you before the Deadline of the 31st January 2017.
You will then be free to tax me, fine me or do both and the money I pay you can then be put towards something of extreme importance like replacing Lizzie's new curtains.
Yours faithfully
Carol Wilson
PS...Was I this insane before I started completing self assessment tax returns or are your returns responsible for my demise?

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Published in Jokes & Humour

Comments

  1. waylander

    You mentioning “help notes” being of no use might be taken as amusing by some, but it reminds me of my brief (thank god) time as government department employee and they came out with a new “help leaflet” to be handed out to potential claimants to enable them to make their claims properly.

    We (the people who oversaw the process) read these leaflets and unanimously agreed that we couldn’t understand a word. Bearing in mind that we had weeks of training, shelves full of reference books for all the various regulations to be applied this sort of worried us a bit. In the end we refused to hand them out as they would only have caused more confusion to the poor souls coming to us for help.

  2. Cloudless13

    My word you have such a talent putting humor into words about such a glum prospect of filling in the tax forms.

    The top five lines brought tears of laughter to my somewhat dull afternoon.
    I wish we lived nearer to each other or you were a near neighbor, I could start you a new career on stage… or maybe start a book on funny story’s, you have a way of writing that is very capitulating, its great. Thanks for putting a smile on my face this afternoon.

    1. ohcarol62 Post author

      Oh my word Moi? a career on stage ? Perish the thought I have a hard enough time entering an online chatroom. Great when its quietish but as soon as those seats start filling up I make my excuses and run – I am not sure if the flee factor is attributed to social anxiety or vertigo I suppose if I stayed long enough this could be determined by whether I left the room by clicking the x or by simply falling off my chair.

      🙂

      1. Cloudless13

        hahahahahahaha O bless. I also don’t bode well in a chat room, however not a stranger in the past to giving talks through work. I think seeing peoples faces helps however the chat room is a strange place, not sure how many are on their second sherry or snaps as often they all go quite I am sure nodding off to sleep or just sitting with a smile on their face. lol

        1. ohcarol62 Post author

          hahahahaha Yeah believe it or not I was a senior manager and delivered safeguarding training, my secret … get there before everyone else then you are just seeing one person at a time …
          I am still shy in large groups of people or with people I don’t know (in real life that is) .. On here you are all fictional just the little people who live in my computer so to speak 🙂

  3. Cloudless13

    ha ha ha little people living in your computer.. see you do have wonderful ways of saying things. Maybe its all those years having to be so political with people that now you can through it to the wind and write in a creative way…. Blimey I have lost count how many time with different organizations I had to re do the safeguarding training, however glad I did as had to report two cases of abuse.. it also brings an awareness which needs to be kept sharp in the work place….. now where is my tipple of gin zzzzzz

    No I only say things as a joke, I would never take the Micky out of such a lovely group as is found here and love them to death. I used to move around a lot over the last 25 odd years of working with people, looking for 1 year to sometimes 3 year funded projects, as I was a past builder I found staying anywhere longer would drive me nuts as much as I might have loved the job. Also liked to move taking on new challenges.
    My last post was working with people with Brain acquired injuries, very much keep you eye on the ball.. yet loved it.

    Now better be careful here as using up a bit of space of your memory on the PC which I must say is full of wires and bits, very hard to sleep in here you know…lol

    I guess I love people, like to look out for those who cant look out for themselves, champion getting them a better life, or just keeping them safe…

    1. ohcarol62 Post author

      🙂 Our outlook is very similar —> has an inbox out box and junk mail folder??? <— sorry couldn't resist!
      I was the Safeguarding Lead for a mental health charity but although I had to do a few safeguarding alerts within the company I have found I have done more outside of the workplace – really is useful knowledge especially when you visit care homes and hospitals and volunteer in schools.
      Unlike you in my early adult life the furthest I ever went was Pwhelli in Wales (well with all those consonants it wouldn't be in Scotland would it!) I have lived in the same street for all but 4 months of my life and use to baby sit in the house where I live.
      But when I turned 50 I got bit with a travel bug and believe me he took a HUGE bite, well it was either a travel bug or Horsefly either way it was viscous . Since then I have gone to somewhere new every year Always to Gibraltar twice a year to see my younger son but then always 1 other place I have never been before . This year is different 🙁
      Only Gibraltar because next year I am off on a Carribean Cruise but now I have mixed feelings I want to go with my sister for her 60th birthday but I have just sponsored a little boy in Kenya – Tony Benjamin 🙂 and apparently if I wish I am allowed to go and visit him so hopefully in 2019 (he will be 9 then) I'm sure Tony won't be bothered if he sees a total stranger or not but I would like to go see him even if just the once.
      ^^^ Geeze I witter ……………..
      Anyway not meaning to make anything more cramped in there for you I shall be quiet now – I was considering showing some cotton wool in there for you but that might be a fire hazard but the joy of living inside a computer is that you have access to anything you want …. so being the wonderful person that I am I went and found you this 🙂 not only will you have a good nights sleep but you can have fun too (those pesky wires can go underneath) https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/477100154257718238/
      Enjoy 🙂

  4. roseinbloom

    Ohcarol62, you do have a way with words and I don’t quite understand your tax situation as things seem to be very different in the USA. We all do have a bad feeling about taxes and We start paying ours in January after we get the year-end statements and they are due April 15th, I hate paying taxes so I let them deduct more than a sufficient amount and have gotten money back for the last 25 years so I am should jump in and be ready to file ASAP but usually I don’t get it done until the last legal day.
    I always think of Pregnant Mary giving birth in a stable all to travel to Bethlehem to pay the taxes. It spoils Christmas here because the real estate tax bills come due at that time and before the new Year. er is spoiled because the Federal and state taxes are due April 15th and Birthdays are spoiled because car taxes are due. In a previous City our real estate taxes were due in August so that helped. Death and taxes a universal abomination!!!!!

  5. ohcarol62 Post author

    Oh my word taxes at New Year AND on your Birthday? Maybe you all misread the situation and the taxman just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday?
    My problem with our local friendly Taxman (a girl can dream) isn’t that he wants my money its the fact that he makes me do even more work/form filling to give him money .. Why can’t he just call me and ask
    How much have you been given/earned this year?
    Are you a millionaire with any offshore accounts or are you hiding your wealth in safety deposit boxes?
    Do you need any amount of your earning made exempt from taxation ?
    Where do I send the bill?
    In my books that’s a 5 minute stress free phonecall although our Millionaire with offshore accounts and safety deposit boxes friend might have a different perspective on things.