COLONOSCOPY
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten ye
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’
Hahahahahahaaaa lmao rofl Cath! I laughed till I cried…loved the final comment! Spoken like a true man! I can think of one in particular on SC that fits him to the T – and you know who are! LOL Thx for sharing girlfriend! Helen xxxxx
Glad you enjoyed it mmmmmm now who would that be Helen lol
So funny… especially since I have done through the procedure. Love it! Thanks for posting.
Linda your a braver person then me ,I have seen many done not one I want to have.
Very grafic in the funniest way lol
Hope it wasn’t too graphic ,ButI thought it so funny.
lmao Cathy, I had one of those a couple of years ago, so I can identify very well with it tc xx
Steve a 95 year old lady was in hospital with me at Christmas lovely little lady,it was decieded she would have one ,I watched her trotting off to the loo and in distress that she wouldn’t make it to the loo in time,I suggested take the jug and sit there ,she did fit three hours the poor old thing.i know it’s not funny but this was well written I thought,glad you enjoyed it.
Re; colonoscopy details. maybe you shared the experience for your own reasons, but it is a tactt that saves lives. Most of medicine is ugly and invasive and our privacy and dignity goes, but we feel better and are fixed, our worries are less, and many times our life is saved.
Get the tests, and I have been saving my privacy and dignity, and my worries are up, and my life may be at risk.
i keep waiting for a good time to do it. Im cursing my foolishness.
Rose, I have just been told by my family doctor to have one done this year. Hoping you decide to do the same. Our health is more important than the actual invasion of our privacy and dignity.
lmao that was so funny! xx
Was wasn’t it I am till laughing .
i think that, after reading that, I think I’d rather just die than go through that procedure
I agree way,after my husband died,his three brothers all trotted off and had one ,so they are necessary but I hope I never need one.
so funny mac..loved it 🙂 🙂
Glad it made you laugh we need to laugh.
You’ve got me crying with laughter here with this, Macathy. Thank you. x
Welcome mercer thought it was too good not to share xxxx .
Sorry merver answered it onmy gremlin,he loves to change things if it doesnt sound right to him..often i forget to check before i hit enter…..
Oh Mac – so funny – laughed till I nearly had my own accident…lol. I adore your sense of humour… in the chat room too, by the way..lol I have had one of THOSE things… not my favourite memory, and an experience I would only wish on people I really didn’t like!!! lol Thanks for posting – perhaps I should not have logged on at the beginning of the Anzac march on TV though… Lina..xxxx
Oh glad you liked it lina.we will get the march on the news.
Mac this is really funny. I had my first Colonsocopy 11 years ago and had one this past year as they recomended that you get one every 10 years after age 50 and everything was ok so am good for another 10 years. if I am still around . lol
Mac lmao this is so funny. It is funny to read about but I have had several of these and I am due for another plus a gastroscopy in November. It is much better to be sure than to be sorry. I have a friend who has been operated on for bowel cancer and now has metastases and is having further surgery on 1st May. If she had of had a colonoscopy/colonoscopies her cancer may have been detected earlier. Thanks for the post mac xox
Good Grief, that was histerical! And I have experienced the same thing. And it is all true! But love the anesthisia.
So very funny Cathy, its a blessing I think that we can laugh at such awful things….Now I am going to own up to something that no one else in the world knows….well just one other, and shes not here in chatters. My mother in law Anita, was to have a colonsoscopy…and with 1 daughter and 7 sons….I was the one who was elected to stay with her the day before…to make sure she adhered to whats she could eat,more importantly what she couldn’t eat, making sure she drank the fizzy stuff at the right time etc……. making sure she was ok during the night in the bathroom etc etc……………………………. The instructions were quite complicated, and I myself read them about every 10 minutes during this 24 hour period to make sure everything was strictly adhered to!!!!!!!!!….well the fizzy drink, she had to take it in 3 doses…..Half to be taken initially, followed by a quarter 2 hours later, and the final quarter the morning of the colonsoscopy….All went well with the first two doses…..and the expected happened for most of the night. Next morning, Anita was getting washed and dressed, I made up the final drink, …placing it on the kitchen window sill in a white plastic jug….i went to the bathroom and told Anita it was cooling ready to be drunk, and where it was, and where it was, and in what!!!!!! and not to touch it I would give it to her in a glass as soon as it was cool………and as she can be quite forgetful i asked her to repeat what I had said….. she repeated it, so far so good!!!!! except it wasn’t!!!! about 10 minutes later, I went into the kitchen, no drink on the window ledge, and even worse the jug was washed and in the drying rack….I yelled ‘Nita what did you do with the drink, in the white plastic jug on the window ledge that I just told you about?’ ‘what drink, what plastic jug’ where, i dont remember you telling me!!!! after further explanation she tells me, she had poured it down the sink and washed the jug…Now i had 2 choices, own up and confess to the family that I was incapable of carrying out such ‘simple’ instructions….or keep quiet and pray that having had 3/4 of the dose, all would be well….. Well i prayed and I prayed and I prayed…and all was well…the colonoscopy took place, without to much discomfort I understand…and the results were good….oh why oh why is the simplest of matters compicated…when I get involved???????????? lol
Oh …that gives me an idea when I have to prepare for my next test hehehehe
Well Annie go to show that they make you drink too much of the stuff lolo
another good one macathy.
Thanks jcb