Do our children owe us……..
Why is it that some people think their children owe them for being given life, I think its extremely selfish of some parents( especially mothers ) to think their adult children should be there at their beck and call, in my opinion our children owe us nothing but respect and hopefully loyalty, they didn’t ask to be born…….I remember way back as a teenager meeting a guy, we had arranged to go out one Sunday afternoon with my sister and her boyfriend, so off we went to pick him up, he answered the door looking very gloomy and said his mother was very upset because she didn’t want him to go out, she was a widow and didn’t want to be alone, the death of her husband wasn’t a recent event either………..he was a lovely, sensitive, caring person, but needless to say I had to call time on that relationship, just hope eventually his mother did allow him to find happiness elsewhere…………but on the other side of the coin, why do some children think their parents should be available 24/7 for child-minding duties, gardening, decorating, taxi service….parents age and do not always have the limitless energy to cope with babies and toddlers……..have to find a happy medium somewhere along the line……
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My ex’s mother was very much of the opinion that her daughter, and by association me, should be available to fetch, carry, transport collect etc whenever she felt she required us and would fly into quite a rage if told that our co-operation was not possible at the time/date she desired it. She did begin to get the message after a few years, but while she was a lovely lady in most respects, that one failing caused a considerable amount of friction over the years.
As regards running round after kids and their offspring, my two boys have had the grace not to breed, well not that they’re admitting to anyway, but they have been left in no doubt that neither I nor my ex are prepared to be built in baby sitters.
Haaaa Way, the grace not to breed………. luv it…………between a rock and a hard place with the ex mother in law, I guess her daughter may have felt obligated because it was her mother, but some are very needy when they are still quite fit and able to lead an independent life……….I have a sneaky feeling that had your sons slipped up and produced grandchildren you would have been more than happy to spend time with them…….think of all those dark sinister music videos you could have introduced them to……..
Dark side of the moon this one Star, have I forgotten to tell you I love u? Even Way ( a bit, man- hug sort of) lol.
Give the kids all you own, then stand back to see how long it becomes before you become a nuisance – Then you tell them they only got 10% and you are off to spend the balance on nefarious “other things” lol. I do like “”other things” Fancy a trip to Vegas? Not telling ex SAS partner of course!! Oh dear, now I was wicked – I shall blame it on Way!!
Well hello there Dave, you and Way both err on the dark side of the moon me thinks……..spending the kids inheritance tut tut don’t you like them lol……… nefarious” other things “……. Vegas!!…..sounds cool to me…….sod the kids…….ex SAS man…..whose he ?……..titter titter…….
Children should honor their Parents, and pay them back any money they owe them. Otherwise, you will often see Parents reap what they sow when it comes to their adult children.
Most Parents want to have relationships with their adult children, but should not expect it. Adult children must be made aware that their Parent’s responsibilities to them are only to maintain the values they were taught when they were not yet adults. Entitlement is not a value.
Hello Splendid, would depend if the parents have been good role models as to whether they get honoured and respected………..if money has been borrowed on the understanding it will be paid back then so it should, but lots of parents gift money to their offspring to help them out when needed……..personally speaking I know I will always be there for my son, daughter and grandson….they know this but in no way do they take advantage……..and by the same token I know they will be there for me…..
Hi Starlette,
That was why I said that most parents reap what they sow. What goes around, comes around.
You are fortunate indeed to know that your children will be there for you. But, once again – your children must have learned by your good example.
My Mother, dead for years, told me that no one can be absolutely sure how their children will ‘turn out’ or know how they will follow through when push comes to shove. That was why she was never critical of other people’s children, nor would she brag about hers. At her end, she told me that a child’s fidelity is their greatest gift to their Parents. None other could be of equal value.
Hello Splendid, your mother was a wise women indeed, even children brought up in the most respectable homes go astray………….I think you should praise your children on their efforts and achievements, try to give them confidence to pursue their dreams, not to be afraid of failure……..never to take a risk is failure………………be proud of them and let them know it, but bragging about them I think could be quite embarrassing for them…..
Star letter you ask the best questions. You also have the best answer, “there needs to be a happy medium”. You are blessed to have managed a “happy medium” with your own children. Some of the most loving and sacrificing parents get little return from children because the children think that it is a one way street. Parent give and they receive. It is sad. If parents do not teach children to contribute some time and effort and money when appropriate it is not the fault of the children. My sister bought designer clothes for her infants and showered them with luxuries thereafter. Now my sister is a widow , her income gone, and the 28 year old daughter is 3000 miles away and I don’t think she is on speaking terms with her son. My sister wanted to keep her children with her and with no one else. My sister is alone now and she knows she is not the type to want to live with anyone else, nor is she the type that anyone wants to live with her.
Relationships span a spectrum and my sister gave with strings attached and her children broke free. I believe the father may have left his money to the children.
My sister moved out of her large expensive home and moved into a small apartment. What do her children owe her? Neither of the children are prepared for good jobs or to work hard and don’t know what budgeting means, so my sister is not going to get much.
Hello Rose, how often have I heard that story, but you see you cannot really blame the children, your sister gave gave gave for her own selfish reasons, and it didn’t pay off the way she expected it to………she really didn’t do them any favours whatsoever……….designer clothes for children Pfttt, what would they know about those, i watched a daily tv programme yesterday with a mother dressing her three year old in designer clothes, £200 miniature designer bags, what the heck is that all about, certainly giving the wrong message out to the children, mothers creating high maintenance off springs…….they will live to rue the day…….
Starlette, I agree with you.
Good blog and one subject I often think about. No you dont have children so that you have someone to “look after” you in later life. Although saying that many do care for parents as they get more feeble…..not because its their duty but because they love mum/and or dad.
I never ask my son for much but he rings everyday saying “anything you want mum?” As i did to my parents when they were older. Its kindness not duty.
As for Parents babysitting etc I think thats just nature to go to mum/dad when you need help. Parents must say “no” sometimes ….. but who can to their children? haha.
Hi Sunsip, the children will care for their parents because they have been brought up in a kind and compassionate family……. monkey see monkey do as it were …….its a credit to yourself that your son does ring you everyday…….its done out of love and caring, not because he thinks its his duty, and that’s the best reason ever………
Sun, you said it beautifully! We don’t expect it, but don’t you think that the live you gave plus the example you gave him as a parent has a lot to do with this? Starlet, my parents expected us to pay them back when we were old enough to get a job. I don’t feel it was cruel, it was their traditions plus their sad financial situation. You would have felt the same..however my younger daughter and her husband made a choice not to have any children. While I respected their decision, her mother in law throws a guilt trip on them constantly. She’s a duplicate of the mother, Marie, on the TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” So many different issues involved in this blog. Good one!
Hello Rose, I agree when children are earning that they should contribute towards their keep, parents may well not be in need of the money, but it does instil in their offspring the need to budget and pay their way in life, parents wont always be around to provide……..
Splendid, you are exactly right in what you say. My own mother was a cold, nasty person. In her old age, she was alone and had to pay someone to care for her. None of her children wanted anything to do with her after the way she treated them when they were growing up.
Another point to make, I think, is when a daughter-in-law is expected to have her husbands mother move in with them when she gets old.
Hello Lady, and why indeed would you want to be around to care for your mother, no love for her children in their early life, no love for her in her later years, its a very difficult one re parents living with their children, my daughter always says to me I will never put you in a nursing home should the time ever come……….but I would never wish to become a burden to anyone, all the good intentions are there, but with the best will in the world its not always the ideal situation…….
Just to add to this discussion, many years ago I knew of a family whose mother was an alcoholic, five children who would do anything for their mother, every Sat morning you would see them trudging a mile walk to the shops and back with carrier bags full of shopping………they had a stepdad who years later was found to have been abusing one of the girls…..but the point to this story is……..at least one of the girls went on to make good……..she is now a top radiologist, has a home in Hove Brighton, good husband and two wonderful boys who she adores……….would she have strived so hard to change her life had she not known the life she had as a child, from sharing a wet bed with maggots, dirty clothing and hair………. they were fed and in a odd sort of way loved by their mother, and they loved her too…..
This has to be amongst the most provoking blogs Star. Then I would have expected nothing else but excellence from yourself.
Thank you muchly kind sir……….does make you think doesn’t it……….she could have gone one way or the other……..she wanted better for herself and had the ambition and determination to make good…………..lots of children that were brought up in humble beginnings…ie………children’s homes have gone on to become famous hair stylists, fashion designers etc……
No, children owe parents nothing but one hopes they have been raised well enough to realize they will eventually be needed as the parents age and
become infirm.