I am dealing with a BI-RAD 4b test result. I am amazed that I have come to grips with this ugly scary thing and realized something very important.
When you realize that your life may be much shorter than expected, the enjoyment of moments gets multiplied proportionately. So, I still hope that I get a better result with further testing, but I am not as sad and miserable as I was when I first got this result. I find myself wanting to make someone smile TODAY. I want to make a difference TODAY, right now, as soon as possible. I want to make something bloom, or I want to cook something special or just make the moments matter for myself and others. I just find I take more joy in the things that matter and all things matter a whole lot more except petty negative stuff.
I find myself turning away from the petty gossipers and the mean-spirited or unfair people and situations. I only have time for the good and happy things. I know that many people have faced a life threatening diagnosis and I wonder how they coped or changed. I had a phase of anger and sadness before an acceptance and some joy kicked in .
It almost feels like I am a special guest here, just visiting and therefore no need to be terribly vested in everything except happiness and joy, but I also need to be pleasant and thoughtful and kind. I still do a lot of what I did but the feelings about it is so much deeper. I have the feeling that whatever time I have will just have to be enough. I am not a believer in an after-life, so I just have acceptance and making this life matter. Some people may react differently than I do.
Why should I have to have a diagnosis to realize what really matters. Honestly, I did not, but the depth and intensity of the realization has mutiplied and magnified. We all know we are mortal, but we forget it and waste a whole lot of time as though we have time to waste. Whatever my diagnosis and prognosis, I hope I can remember to live focused on the people that I can make happier and just forget the thorny difficult people who want to hurt you when you just want to coexist in peace and harmony.
If you are curious, BI-RAD 4b is a cancer test result that may or may not be conclusive, but the test or threat is not as important as the fact that you can have a positive feeling while living with a life threatening situation. It may take a real scare to get a better focus on what really matters.